The Next Seven Days
by Teeheehee123
Summary: Sequel to Fear and Loathing: Because no man is an island
1. Chapter 1

**Ok guys, after a lot of people said they wanted a sequel to Fear and Loathing I have come up with this for you. I hope you enjoy...**

He sat in Calleigh's lounge, wringing his hands together. He daren't look at her face, he knew what he would see if he did. He'd see the pity she had for him, he was weak and pathetic. He knew that she was only staying with him out of duty, some kind of misplaced loyalty that he must have mistakenly earned along the way.

Jeff had left an hour ago, Alex made her excuses and left not long after, it left him alone with her, he felt deeply uncomfortable as the silence stretched between them. _"It'll be ok, Horatio" _Calleigh said softly, trying to reassure the broken man in front of her, _"We won't let you go through this alone"_

He turned his head and looked at her, _"I'm not worth it. Can't you see that?" _he told her, pleading with her to understand.

_"Of course you are!" _she told him, her voice rising. _"You need to understand that we all love you, you need to let us help you"_

_"I'm not worth it" _he replied tiredly.

_"Why do you think that?" s_he asked him, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

He looked at her again, his eyes full of sorrow. _"Because it's true" _

_"Who told you that?"_

_"Does it matter?" _he said, sighing and closing his eyes. _"Look, Calleigh. I'm tired; it's been a long day. I'm going to have a lie down, ok?" _he told her as he left the room, not giving her time to reply.

She heard him trudge wearily up the stairs, enter the bedroom and close the door quietly behind him. She had hoped that Jeff had talked some sense into him but he remained distant and emotionally withdrawn from her. She prepared herself for the long battle to come, vowing to stick with him no matter how hard he tried to push her away.

Calleigh busied herself preparing a light dinner in the kitchen; she kept glancing towards the hallway and kept an ear out for any movement from upstairs. She dished up enough food for herself and then took a tray upstairs for Horatio. She knocked softly on the door and entered, he was lying fully clothed on the bed, his eyes closed and his head to one side muttering under his breath. She debated whether or not to wake him up, she almost jumped and dropped the tray when he bolted upright opening his eyes and panting, looking frantically around the room. She put the tray down on the dresser and walked over and sat beside him on the bed, _"Its ok" _she crooned as she took him in her arms, rubbing a hand across his back in an effort to soothe him. She held him until he got his breathing under control; he pulled back from her and then looked away, trying to concentrate on anything but her. _"Look at me" _she said to him, when she got no response she tried again, firmer this time. _"Horatio. Look at me" _She took his head in both her hands, cupping his face lightly; still he refused to look at her. "_Horatio. Look at me" _she said fiercely. Reluctantly he raised his eyes to meet hers, _"You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to hide anything from me" _She stared at him intently, willing him to believe her.

He nodded his head slightly but instantly regretted it; he held a hand to his forehead and groaned softly. The pain reminded him forcefully of the concussion he had given himself a few days ago, Calleigh let go of him and brought the tray to the bed and laid it on his lap. _"Here. Eat this" _she said as he looked at the food on the plate.

_"I'm not hungry, Calleigh" _he told her tiredly, pushing the tray away.

Determined to stand her ground, Calleigh pushed the tray back towards him. _"Well I'm not leaving until you've at least tried to eat something" _She returned his glare, neither willing to back down and admit defeat. Eventually he gave in.

_"Fine" _he said sighing as he reluctantly picked up the fork and prodded at the pasta on his plate. He placed a forkful in his mouth and chewed slowly. He hadn't realised how hungry he was until the first mouthful of food hit his stomach. He ate the rest of the food quickly; the satisfaction of a full stomach was short lived as he bolted from the bed to the en-suite bathroom. Calleigh winced as she heard him retching, throwing up the food he had just eaten.

He returned to the bedroom a few minutes later looking queasy and miserable, Calleigh helped him get into the bed and drew the covers up around him. She stroked his hair as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Leaving the room quietly she made her way back downstairs and called Alex, concerned at what had just happened to Horatio.

_"I wouldn't worry too much Calleigh" _the doctor told her, _"I'm not surprised he's nauseous with the concussion he gave himself"_

_"So it'll pass?" _Calleigh asked hopefully.

_"Give it another couple of days, Calleigh. If he's still having trouble keeping food down then we'll have to look into it further. The best thing you can do for him right now is just be there, I'll come over tomorrow evening after my shift to check on him"_

_"Thanks Alex. I really appreciate it" _Calleigh said, feeling better for talking to her friend.

_"Not a problem, sweetie. Jeff will come by the house at about 10am tomorrow. Just make sure you and Horatio get a good night's sleep"_

_"Okay Alex. We'll try" _Calleigh replied. Ending the phone call she walked back into her kitchen and stared at the plate of food on the kitchen table. After watching what had happened to Horatio she suddenly didn't feel that hungry herself anymore. Telling herself that she needed to keep her strength up for him she picked up the fork and forced herself to eat something.

After flicking through a dozen channels and finding nothing interesting to watch Calleigh turned the TV off and made her way upstairs to her guest bedroom. After brushing her teeth and changing into her night clothes she gently opened the door to the master bedroom, Horatio was lying on his side with his arms wrapped around himself, she could hear his deep breathing and satisfied herself that he was sleeping peacefully. She closed the door as quietly as she could and returned to the guest bedroom, she lay down on the bed and took the book mark out of the trashy novel she had been reading.

Calleigh realised that she must have fallen asleep at some point, she woke up with a start, the open book falling to the floor as she sat upright on the bed. She heard low moans emanating from the bedroom across the hall, her heart sank as she realised that Horatio was caught in the grip of another nightmare. She ran across to his room and opened the door, he was lying on his back, breathing heavily and repeating the same phrase over and over again, _"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" _each time he repeated the sorrow in his voice increased, even though his eyes were closed it looked like he was crying as the tears rolled down his face.

She walked timidly into the room, wanting to soothe him but wary of startling him whilst he was so emotionally unstable. She watched him as he shook his head from side to side, grimacing. _"Stay away from her, I'm warning you!" _he growled menacingly, his eyes still closed. _"Get back or I swear I'll kill you!" _he continued as he balled his fists into the bed sheets, his face was turning bright red and Calleigh feared that he would hyperventilate if she did not step in. Taking a deep breath to summon her courage she walked towards Horatio, standing and leaning over him she placed a hand on his arm. She was completely unprepared for what happened next.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed or favourited my new story. Your continued support is very much appreciated!**

She had no idea how he had moved so quickly, within the blink of an eye he had grabbed her roughly by the wrist, he stared at her with unseeing eyes, breathing heavily. It suddenly dawned on her that although his eyes were open he was still in the grip of a horrible nightmare, _"I warned you to stay away from her!" _he shouted, looking through her as he squeezed her arm tighter, his knuckles turning white.

_"Horatio!" _she pleaded, trying to rouse him from his dream state. _"You're hurting me, let me go!" _she said as she struggled in vain to free herself from his vice-like grip. It was fortunate that she saw the movement of his right arm out of the corner of her eye; she swayed back as his he swung his fist violently at his perceived attacker. Worrying more about the damage Horatio might do to himself rather than her own well-being she did the only thing she could think of to bring him back to reality. With her free hand she slapped his face with as much force as she could muster; still in the grips of his nightmare he seemed to take no notice of the stinging sensation on his face. He raised his right arm again, trying to fend his enemy off as she swung out of the way she countered with another harsh slap with her free hand. This time it registered as he raised his free hand to his face, he slowly came back to reality as Calleigh watched his emotions change from anger, confusion and then to abject horror as he glanced down at the hand still gripping Calleigh tightly.

He let go of her arm as if he had been burnt, he screwed his eyes shut as the voices in his head battled each other for his attention. _"You beat women now? You coward!" _one taunted as another joined in, _"Like father, like son…" _He gripped his head in his bandaged hands and squeezed as hard as he could, as if the physical force alone could stop the voices from taunting him.

Calleigh sat down on the bed, her mouth open. She absent-mindedly rubbed her sore wrist as she looked at the man in front of her. If she had any illusions that Jeff would be able to fix Horatio in one session she was certain now that it would take more than tea and sympathy to put her beloved boss back together again. She watched him intently as he waged battle with the demons in his mind; she had taken for granted the way that Horatio always remained in control no matter the situation or provocation. It frightened her to see him so unhinged, his emotions and behaviour at the moment were unpredictable at best. His slim build belied his physical strength, she knew that Horatio was capable of killing a man with his bare hands should the need arise. It terrified her to realise that he was capable of hurting those around him when he was not in his right mind, she had seen what he had done to himself and his home, she realised then that had she not seen his attack coming that she could have been next on his list of victims.

She shook her head and admonished herself thinking of him as a criminal, it was clear that Horatio had suffered some kind of emotional breakdown, he was not in control of his actions at the moment, she told herself to remember that he was the victim not the perpetrator. She willed herself to get a grip on her own emotions as she tried to get through to him, _"Horatio. It's ok, it was just a dream" _He looked up at her, the sorrow in his eyes was almost enough to break her heart. _"Are you ok?" _she asked him gently, reaching out to place a hand on his arm, he flinched when she touched him but did not move away.

_"I hurt you" _he said, looking devastated.

_"No you didn't. I'm fine, Horatio. You didn't hurt me" _she tried to reassure him; she glanced down at the angry red mark on her arm, hoping that he hadn't seen it too.

_"You should stay away from me" _he told her, looking away. _"They all get hurt" _he muttered, _"They get hurt because of me. I'm the one to blame" _his breath hitched as he tried to gulp in air, he willed himself not to cry in front of her, she would only pity him more if he did.

She moved further on to the bed and took his bandaged hands in hers, _"Oh Horatio" s_he whispered, feeling helpless. _"You're going to get through this, you hear me?" _She pulled him into her warm embrace as the tears fell from his eyes, he held on to her like a drowning man clinging to a life raft. Calleigh knew that words would not be enough to fix the man in her arms; she hugged him fiercely as if the physical contact alone would heal his wounded soul.

She had no idea how long they had stayed entwined in each other's arms, at some point his tears had stopped and his breathing evened out, she realised that he had fallen asleep on her. Reluctant to move for fear of waking him she debated whether or not to stay in this position for a while longer, unfortunately the cramp in her left leg had other ideas. She moved slightly and attempted to remove herself from his embrace but each time she tried to free herself he unconsciously held on to her tighter. Formulating a new plan in her mind, Calleigh eased herself further on to the bed until she had her back against the pillows; she gently manoeuvred herself and the sleeping man so that they were both lying comfortably on the bed. He murmured softly and lay on his side with his head on Calleigh's stomach; she stroked the arm closest to her gently as she crooned soothing words in his ear. Soon she found her own eyelids getting heavy as the drama of the last few days finally caught up with her, her last thoughts before drifting off to sleep were that this was the most peaceful and serene she had seen Horatio in what seemed like a lifetime.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again for all of the great reviews, here's the next part for you...**

It was daylight when Calleigh woke; she opened her eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the light in the room naturally. She turned her head and found Horatio still lying in her arms, seemingly asleep. She smiled softly as she thought about how much younger he looked when the weight of the world was no longer resting on his shoulders. It also occurred to her that he had not had any nightmares whilst resting in her embrace; he had slept peacefully anchored to the safe harbour of her presence. She raised her free arm to look at her watch and was alarmed to find it was nearly 9am, Alex had said that Jeff would be coming to visit at 10, as much as she hated to disturb him she knew that they would both have to be up and ready for when he arrived.

She rubbed her free arm up and down his back as she spoke softly into his ear, _"Horatio, sweetie. We have to get up, Jeff will be here soon" _He groaned and lifted a hand to his head; he opened his eyes a fraction and realised that he had been sleeping in his subordinate's arms. He was embarrassed that she had seen him like that but was more alarmed by the fact that he had no idea how he had ended up in such a position.

_"Calleigh?"_ he said as he rubbed at his face, clearly confused. _"What's going on?"_

She debated whether to tell him the truth or not, _"I guess we both fell asleep in here last night" s_he replied evasively, hoping that he wouldn't question her further. She moved off the bed and started fiddling with the hem of her blouse, trying to avoid the questioning stare Horatio was giving her. _"Why don't you take a shower? I'm going to put some coffee on" _With that she darted from the room and quickly made her way downstairs.

He looked down at his rumpled clothes and ran a bandaged hand over his face, feeling three days-worth of stubble on his cheeks he decided that Calleigh probably had a point and that a shower would be a good idea. He made his way to the en-suite bathroom and slowly went about the task of unbuttoning his shirt which he found awkward with his painful and damaged hands. He shrugged out of the shirt and looked at himself in the mirror, what he saw disgusted him. The scars on his body were the painful reminders of his failures, his father had ensured that he would forever carry the markings of the lessons he had learnt. His father had told him that if anyone saw him for who he really was that they would recoil away from him in horror, he was a child of the devil and the scars would serve as warning for any who got too close to his despicable offspring.

Lifting his eyes he looked at his face, the image reflected back at him showed him for the messed-up nobody that he was. He saw the bruised lump on his forehead and the swelling around his eyes; he looked down at his hands and flexed them stiffly remembering the carnage he had created two days ago. He looked haggard, his face was pale and drawn, the dark circles under his eyes could no longer hide the toll of endless weeks of not sleeping had had on him. His father was right, why would anyone want a man like him?

* * *

Calleigh busied herself in the kitchen making coffee and toast, she could hear the water running in the bathroom upstairs and took a small amount of hope from the fact that at least Horatio was making an effort to take care of himself. She had no idea how they would get through this but she told herself that no matter what happened she would stay by his side. Her thoughts returned to his violent nightmare, it frightened her that she had no idea who he believed he was shouting at or the woman he was trying to protect. The CSI in her wanted to take the few pieces of his history that she knew to draw conclusions as to what was affecting Horatio so badly. He was such a private man and she knew from the way he would react to certain victims that he shared some of their pain, she only wished that he would let her in and open up about it to her.

Calleigh was buttering toast when Horatio walked into the kitchen; she gave him a small smile and invited him to sit at the kitchen table. She had to admit that he looked better for having a shower; he was wearing fresh clothes and had combed his hair into its usual style. The bruises and cuts on his face still stood out starkly against his pale skin but he still looked much better than he had when she found him in the wreckage of his home. _"I've made coffee and toast, are you hungry?" _she asked as she sat down next to him at the table.

_"You didn't have to, Calleigh. But thank you" _he said quietly as he raised the cup to his mouth, he reluctantly took a slice of toast and started to chew it softly; mindful of what happened last time he tried to eat something.

They sat together drinking coffee and eating toast, both giving the other quick glances as they went about finishing their breakfast. Happy that Horatio seemed to have kept the food down without bringing it back up she offered to make him some more. _"That won't be necessary, Calleigh. I don't think I'll push my luck" _he told her, giving her an awkward smile. His smile faded as he caught sight of her arm, her eyes followed his as she quickly pulled her sleeve down to cover the offending mark. His eyes darkened as the voices in his head starting pecking at him again, _"Woman-beater!" "Not strong enough to take on a man so he beats up women instead!" _they taunted him as he closed his eyes and willed them to be quiet.

Sensing that Horatio was once more getting lost in his own dark thoughts she placed a hand on his arm and squeezed lightly, telling him _"It's ok, Horatio. No harm done"_

He pulled back from her as if he had been stung, he shot up from the chair and walked to the opposite side of the room, _"How can you say that!" _he said, his voice rising, _"I hurt you!" _he clenched his eyes shut and let his head fall back. _"You need to stay away from me, I'm no good!" _he continued, ignoring Calleigh's pleas for him to sit down. _"They all get hurt" _he said, repeating the words from the night before as he darted back up the stairs and into the master bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

**Unfortunately, due to work commitments the next chapter won't be posted until Friday. Sorry guys :-(**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok guys, here's the next part. I hope you enjoy...**

Just before 10am there was a knock at the door, Calleigh dropped the dishcloth back in the sink and went to answer it. Jeff raised an eyebrow as he took a look at her, _"Rough night, was it?" _he smiled at her as she moved aside to let him into her home.

_"Something like that" _she replied as she led him to the kitchen, _"Can I get you a coffee?"_

_ "A coffee would be great, thanks" _he replied as he put his leather satchel on the dining table, _"Where's Horatio?" _he asked pulling out a chair and sitting down.

_"He's…..uh…..he's upstairs in the bedroom" s_he stuttered as she made a fresh pot of coffee.

_"And how was he last night?" _Jeff asked, giving Calleigh a small nod as she handed him a mug. _"We raked up quite a few old memories yesterday; it wouldn't surprise me if he had a bit of a restless night"_

_ "You don't know the half of it" s_he muttered as she fiddled with the handle on her own mug as she sat down at the table.

_"What happened, Calleigh?" _Jeff prodded gently, leaning forward slightly.

She closed her eyes and sighed, _"Like you said, he had a restless night" _she replied vaguely, making a point of not looking at him, _"Just a few nightmares" s_he added, feeling compelled to fill the silence in the room.

_"What happened, Calleigh? Did he do something to you?" _ He asked her again.

_"He was having a nightmare, he didn't mean it" _she said softly, still looking at anything except Jeff.

_"Did he hurt you?" _Jeff asked, placing a hand on her arm. _"Show me what he did" _

Feeling as if she had betrayed Horatio she slowly raised her sleeve to reveal the purpling bruise on her wrist, using her other hand to wipe the tears from her face.

_"Did he tell you what he was dreaming about after he did it?" _he asked as he gently pulled her sleeve back down. She shook her head but said nothing. _"Did he mention any names when he was in his nightmare?" _Again she shook her head. _"Ok, not to worry. Is it alright if I go up and see him?" _This time she nodded, she rose from her chair and walked back over to the sink as Jeff left the room and made his way upstairs.

He knocked on the door and waited for a reply, when one didn't come he tried again. Sensing that the other man was ignoring him he opened the door and entered the room. Horatio was sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. Jeff slowly walked over to him and sat down next to him on the bed, _"How are you feeling today?" _he asked as he smoothed the creases out of his pants.

Horatio sighed, _"What does it matter?" _he asked bitterly.

_"It matters to me, Horatio. I need to know how you're feeling so I can help you through this"_

He turned to look at Jeff now, his weary eyes conveying the hopelessness that was gripping him. _"Why are you bothering, I'm sure you've got better things to do than sit here and analyse me"_

_"Actually, I haven't" _the other man replied as he placed his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his hands, he leant forward, gazing out the window. _"Looks like a lovely day out there, fancy going for a walk?"_

_ "What happens if I say no?" _Horatio asked warily.

_"Then we'll sit here all day, but it is much nicer out there on the beach" _Jeff said as he motioned with his head towards the window.

_"Fine. Whatever" _the redhead replied as he stood, _"Then you'll leave me alone after we've had our chat?" _he virtually spat the last word.

_"If that's what you want, Horatio" _ Jeff stood up and followed Horatio out of the bedroom, he smiled as he walked past the kitchen and saw Calleigh, trying to convey with his eyes that things would be alright. _"Just going out for a walk, we'll try not to be too long" _he said as he followed Horatio out the front door.

Realising that he did not have his sunglasses with him Horatio shoved his hands in his pockets as he trudged down the beach, the two men walked for about half a mile saying nothing. Getting annoyed by the silence Horatio spoke, _"Are you going to ask me something then?" _he said petulantly, walking with his head down.

_"You're angry this morning" _Jeff observed, _"Why is that?"_

_ "It doesn't matter" _Horatio mumbled.

_"I think it does, Horatio. Tell me what happened after I left yesterday" _Jeff stopped walking and turned to look at Horatio.

_"Bad dreams, that's all. It's not like I haven't had them before" _he snorted derisively as he stopped and turned back to Jeff.

_"But something happened last night and it's made you angry, why is that?" _

_ "I don't want to talk about it, ok?!" _Horatio snapped, his hands balling into fists in his pockets.

_"You need to let it out, talk to me Horatio" _

_ "Back off" _Horatio growled menacingly, staring out towards the ocean.

_"You can hit me if you like, if it makes you feel better" _Jeff replied, readying himself for the physical onslaught.

Horatio turned to look at him, his eyes widened and he recoiled from the other man is if he had been slapped. _"What?!" _he said incredulously, not quite believing what he had just heard.

_"Violence seems to be the outlet for your emotions at the moment. If it's the only way you can express how you feel then by all means throw a punch at me"_

_ "I…..I don't hit people" _he stammered.

_"But you have though, recently. They deserved it though, didn't they?" _Jeff pushed, sensing an opening.

Horatio ran a shaky hand through his hair, _"I…I…."_

_ "Is that what your father told you? That you deserved it?"_

Horatio swallowed deeply, knowing that Jeff was breaking down the emotional walls he had built so many years ago. How could this man read him so well? _"I'm not my father" _he said quietly.

_"But you're afraid that you'll turn out to be just like him, aren't you?" _Jeff picked up a stone and through it into the waves crashing up to the shore. _"You need to come to terms with what has happened in your life Horatio. Otherwise, you will end up like him"_

He stood there, hands in pockets. How had things fallen apart so badly? He couldn't even remember when his thirst for justice had turned into an all-consuming need for revenge against those he felt had wronged not only him but the innocent victims he dealt with every day. Somewhere along the way his passion had turned to white hot anger, he realised that what Jeff had said was true, if he didn't fix things now he would end up a bitter and violent man like his father. Horatio sighed defeated, _"I don't want to end up like him"_

_ "You won't. But only if you open up and talk about how you're feeling"_

Horatio looked the other man in the eyes, _"I don't know where to start" _he said honestly.

_"How about you tell me what happened last night?" _Jeff replied, making his way down the beach once more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, here's the next part. I really hope that I'm not falling into the trap of making Jeff a bit of a 'Mary-Sue' character but if I am feel free to tell me.**

_"What do you want to know?" _Horatio said as he fell in step with Jeff.

_"What happened when I left last night?"_

He took a few moments to gather his thoughts before replying, _"Calleigh tried to talk to me, I couldn't bear to see the look of pity on her face so like the coward I am I ran away and hid"_

_ "And what makes you think you're a coward. Why did you feel the need to run away and hide?"_

_ "She's got enough to deal with; she doesn't need to hear about my sob stories. I should be man enough to deal with my problems myself" _he muttered bitterly.

_"But she wants to help you, so does Alex. Why won't you let them in?"_

_ "Because they'll get hurt" _Horatio replied succinctly.

_"What makes you think that, Horatio?"_

_ "They all get hurt. One way or another, as soon as they get close to me"_

_ "I'm not sure that's true" _Jeff said as he turned to look at the other man, _"Are you distancing yourself for their sake or yours?"_

Horatio's face registered the shock as he was caught off-guard by the question, _"What do you mean?"_

_ "I'm asking you if you push people away for their own protection or if it's because you're afraid of them getting too close to you and seeing the real you"_

_ "And who is the real me, then?" _Horatio spat childishly.

_"You want me to be honest?" _Jeff asked, when Horatio nodded his head he continued. _"I see a man who has been through more than his fair share of bad times in his life, who has never seemingly caught a break and has been ground down by the losses he's suffered over the years. I see a man who has let the bitterness cloud his judgement and has let his anger control his actions. More than that I see a man who deep down is still just a frightened little boy, a boy who had his innocence ripped away from him in the cruellest of ways. You're a good man, Horatio. You've just lost your way a little, you've got a lot of people around you who care about you. Whether you like it or not you need their help"_

He stared at the other man for a number of minutes allowing his mind time to register Jeff's words, _"They won't understand" _he said quietly.

_"How many times have you been a shoulder to cry on for your friends? Don't you think that they would want to help you?"_

_ "I'm their boss; they're supposed to come to me with their problems, not the other way round"_

_ "But they're your friends too. They want to help, you need to let them. Sooner or later you need to put your pride to one side and accept the support that is being offered, they won't think any less of you for it"_

_ "You think I'm being arrogant?"_

_ "If I'm being honest, yes a little" _Seeing the look on the other man's face he tried to explain, _"We all have an ego, Horatio. Some peoples are bigger than others. You put too many expectations on yourself; you're trying to be perfect when it's clear you're not. None of us are" _Sensing that he was still not getting through to Horatio he tried again, _"Needing help doesn't make you less of a man. It takes more courage and strength to admit your weaknesses than it does to try and battle your demons alone"_

_ "They wouldn't understand" _he repeated once more.

_"You think that your team will think less of you when they find out what you've been through? Being a victim is no reason to be ashamed"_

_ "I'm not a victim!" _Horatio snapped, his voice rising.

_"But you are, you're a victim to the abuse you suffered as a child. No one deserves what you went through"_

_ "My father always told me I deserved it" _Horatio said honestly.

_"Well he was wrong" _Jeff replied firmly. _"The sooner you stop putting stock in what your father told you the better"_

_ "I…..I….I can't help it" _he responded, frustrated that his father still had such a hold over him even though he was dead.

_ "I know, as much as the man was a monster he was still your father. Some bonds can never be broken no matter how hard we try"_

The two men continued to walk along the beach in silence until Jeff spoke, _"What were you dreaming about last night?"_

_ "I can't remember" _Horatio replied evasively, not wanting to discuss the subject.

_"Are you sure about that? From the looks of Calleigh's arm it must have been quite a bad one"_

He flinched at the other man's words, he remembered the ugly looking mark on Calleigh's wrist in the kitchen this morning. _"I told you, I don't remember"_

_ "Try harder" _Jeff pressed, pushing Horatio to open up, _"Do you remember any of it?"_

He thought back to last night, _"I remember waking up and seeing Calleigh's face. She looked terrified. I had hold of her arm and I don't remember why. I hurt her"_

_"But you weren't dreaming about her though?" _Horatio shook his head. _"We spent a lot of time talking about your father yesterday, could it have been about him?"_

_ "I don't know. Maybe"_

_ "You were dreaming, you weren't in control of what you were doing. Calleigh understands that"_

_"But I hurt her" _Horatio insisted.

_Did you mean to?"_

_ "Of course I didn't!" _he replied, shocked by the question.

_"Then why do you keep beating yourself up about it?"_

_ "Because it was my fault. Everyone around me gets hurt, I'm no good for them"_

_ "Do you really believe that?" _Jeff asked. _"Have you ever stood back and thought about all of the lives you've saved? People die Horatio, that's life" _He paused as he saw Horatio flinch, _"I'm sure if you counted up all of the lives you've saved and put them against the ones you've lost that you'll find you've made a positive difference to a lot of people"_

_ "Marisol, Jesse, Speed, Ray. I could have saved them. I should have saved them"_

_ "You can't control everything, Horatio. You can't plan for every eventuality. Do you think that if you wrapped everyone up in cotton wool that they would thank you for it?"_

_ "Probably not" _he mumbled.

_"We live and then we die. It's that simple. We may not like it when it happens but it's a fact of life. We're all responsible for the choices we make, you can't hold yourself accountable for the choices of others. You'll drive yourself mad if you try" _Horatio gave a wry smile at that. _"Our choices are half-chance, just like everyone else's, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose" _


	6. Chapter 6

**Here you go guys, here's the next part for you...**

The two men spent the best part of another hour walking, when they ran out of beach they ventured through the local park and then further in to town. Jeff looked at his watch, _"Are you hungry, Horatio?"_

_ "Not really" _he replied honestly, _"It hasn't tended to stay down too long recently"_

Jeff considered Horatio's words for a moment, _"Makes sense. When we're under a great deal of stress our bodies tend to go into fight or flight mode. One of the first parts of the body that gets cut off is the stomach, our body figures that we don't want to be wasting energy on it if we're running or fighting for our lives"_

Horatio gave him a look as if to suggest the psychologist was making it up. _"Don't look at me like that" _Jeff continued, _"You can Google it if you don't believe me"_

If he was being honest with himself he didn't have the energy or the inclination to stand and argue with Jeff. _"I suppose a coffee would be good though" _

_ "Deal" _the other man said, nodding his head in agreement. _"You drink and I'll eat"_

They made their way to a small café and sat in a booth at the back of the shop, had it been busy Horatio would have bolted for the door, not wanting to make a spectacle of himself in front of other people, even if they were strangers. Jeff perused the menu and chose a tuna and cheese melt to go with his herbal tea whilst Horatio chose a strong black coffee.

_"That stuff's not helping you, you know" _Jeff said, smiling at the other man.

_"What do you mean?"_

_ "Caffeine puts the body on edge; it often makes us tenser. You should try herbal tea, it'll relax you" _

Horatio raised an eyebrow and snorted derisively. _"Next you'll be telling me that I should be doing yoga and getting my chakras cleansed"_

_ "Well, Horatio. Now that you mention it..." _

_ "Forget it" _he told Jeff in a tone that signalled that the topic was not up for further discussion.

Jeff shrugged and took a bite of his food, _"Have it your way" _he said around a mouthful of food. _"Do you socialise much, Horatio?"_

He took a gulp of his coffee as he considered his answer, _"Not really. Running a busy lab means I don't get much free time"_

_ "But you run the day shift, don't you?" _Jeff asked as he took another bite.

_"Yes, but there's always the chance that you'll have to work late or come in on your day off"_

_ "But you get annual leave, don't you?"_

_ "Yes, but…." _Horatio was unable to finish before the other man interrupted him.

_"Do you use any of it?"_

_"There doesn't seem much point" _he answered honestly, taking another sip of his coffee and fiddling with a napkin distractedly. _"It's not like I've got anyone to spend my free time with anyway"_

_ "What about your son?"_

Horatio's heart broke a little when he thought of Kyle, he was in Afghanistan fighting a war when he should have been at home and safe in Miami, _"He's in the Army. Afghanistan"_

_ "But he gets leave too, right?"_

Tiring of the endless questions Horatio snapped, _"What's your point?"_

_ "I'm just thinking that if you took your leave to coincide when he's back home that you could spend some quality time with him"_

He laughed humourlessly at that, if only Jeff knew what his son thought of him. He had flown half way across the world and put himself in a warzone to get away from him. _"I'm sure that when he does come home that he'll want to spend his time with anyone but me. He joined the Army to get away from me"_

Jeff wiped his mouth with a napkin and took a sip of his drink, _"That's not the way I see it" _he told Horatio.

_"What do you know?" _Horatio responded, his eyes darkening.

_"Do you ever think that maybe he joined the Army to make you proud? Would you rather he was a police officer like you?"_

_ "There's not much chance of that" _Horatio sighed, _"He's spent time in jail. I couldn't protect him from that, I tried my best but the judge was insistent that Kyle be made an example of"_

_ "But I bet you did everything in your power to protect him whilst he was serving his sentence. It can't have been easy being the son of the great Horatio Caine, probably made him public enemy number one in there"_

Horatio shifted awkwardly in his seat, uncomfortable at the way the conversation was heading, _"I pulled a few strings and called in a few favours, it was the least I could do for him. I'd failed him as a father before that"_

_ "What happened with you and his mum? Did you see a lot of Kyle when he was growing up?"_

_ "I didn't even know he existed until he was sixteen. His mother never told me about him"_

_ "And I'm sure that if you knew about him when he was born that you would have done everything you could for him. Was it awkward when you first found each other?"_

Horatio snorted at the question, _"You could say that. He was a suspect in a case I was working on, it was only when we ran his DNA through our database that I realised he was my son. He'd been in and out of foster care, his mother wasn't exactly Mary Poppins and she'd filled his head with all sorts about his deadbeat father"_

_ "But once you got past that, did you get on better?"_

_ "I did everything I could for him, I even went to court to apply for custody of him, and his mum wasn't exactly the full shilling at that time"_

_ "And what happened?"_

He sighed bitterly, remembering that day in court as if it was yesterday. _"The judge said it was up to Kyle. He chose her"_

_ "Did that hurt you that your son chose her?"_

_ "Yes" _he replied honestly, _"I'd missed the first sixteen years of his life but I'd tried to do as much for him as I could when I found out he existed. I certainly did more for him than his mother" _try as he might he couldn't keep the anger from his voice.

_"Did things work out between Kyle and his mother?"_

_ "Not really, once he lived with her I think he saw what she was really like"_

_ "And who did Kyle turn to?"_

_ "He asked me to help him; I found him an apartment and a job in the morgue. He was desperate for some independence"_

_ "Why do you think he took the job at the morgue? To be closer to you?"_

Again, Horatio laughed bitterly. _"I doubt it"_

_ "Why? It seems to me that Kyle gravitated towards you for some stability in his life. When he moved out from his mother's did he get into trouble with the law again?"_

_ "No, he seemed to really enjoy working in the morgue. He even talked about going to college and getting a degree"_

_ "Do you think he would have had that opportunity if not for you?" _Jeff asked as he drained the last of his tea and asked the waitress for the check, he saw Horatio reach for his wallet, _"No Horatio, this one's on me. Besides, I don't think you put your wallet in your pants before we came out. And anyway, answer the question"_

He patted his pockets and was embarrassed to find that Jeff was right, _"What are you getting at Jeff?"_

_ "From what I've heard Kyle sounds like he's turned his life around, probably in no small part to you. It sounds like he wants to make you proud, choosing to risk life and limb in the Army is as close as he can get to doing what you do. Both of you risk your lives every day when you go to work and you know what they say; imitation is the highest form of flattery"_

Horatio mulled over what Jeff had said as he followed the other man back out of the café, _"I just wish he wasn't over there, if he was here in Miami I would be able to protect him" _he told him honestly.

_"But is that what Kyle wants? Do you think he's happy that you run around all day risking your life for people you don't even know?" _Horatio shrugged his shoulders as Jeff continued, _"Why would you stop your son doing a job that he enjoys? Would you like it if he asked you to quit the MDPD?"_

_ "No. I guess not" _he replied meekly as he walked along side Jeff, his hands once again in his pockets.

_"Do you know that idiom 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'?" _Horatio nodded slightly, _"Well I think you should pay attention to it. You might think that your intentions are noble but to others it can come across as being a bit hypocritical"_

Feeling embarrassed that Jeff had out-psyched him he retorted petulantly, _"I thought you were meant to be making me feel better about myself not worse"_

_ "I'm not here to massage your ego, Horatio. I'm here to be honest with you and if this is going to work you need to be honest with yourself too" _He stopped walking when he realised that Horatio had paused about five steps behind him, lost in thought, he sensed that the other man had had enough for today. _"I think it's time we headed back, I'm sure Calleigh will be wondering where we are" _Jeff said as he walked back in the direction they had come.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks again for the great reviews, here's the next part for you:**

They walked in silence for a while, Jeff turned to look at Horatio every once in a while to make sure that he hadn't stopped again or wandered off on his own. Jeff took the silence to mean that Horatio was considering what they had been discussing in the last few hours. He was satisfied that when he returned to Calleigh's with his charge that he would be leaving the man in a better place mentally than he found him in this morning. It was clear to Jeff that Horatio was a man in pain, the anguish he carried with him was written all over his face and was obvious in the way he carried himself, the bitterness inside him was twisting his thoughts and clouding his judgement. He was shocked by how little self-worth the other man had although from what Horatio had told him about his father it was easy to understand why he viewed himself so negatively, he was certain that if he could Horatio to change the way he viewed himself that everything else would fall in to place.

_"Do you think I'm conceited_?" Horatio asked, breaking the silence but keeping his head down as he walked.

_"What makes you say that, Horatio?" _the other man responded as he glanced at Horatio.

_"From what you say you seem to think that I have an over-inflated opinion of myself" _he stated honestly, _"Do I really come across as a hypocrite?"_

_ "You'd have to ask your colleagues about the latter. But the former?" _Jeff replied, taking a few moments to consider his next words. _"You seem to hold yourself to a different set of standards than of those around you. It's clear that your colleagues hold you in very high regard but that doesn't give you the right to tell them what to do" _Jeff paused as he saw Horatio's mouth open, ready to say something. _"I understand that you're their boss but that doesn't mean you can dictate the choices they make. We talked about this yesterday; you're not responsible for the choices of others. You're not God, so stop trying"_

For a moment Horatio was left speechless, he shook his head slightly as if he was in a daze, _"You think I'm controlling? That my team are too scared to stand up to me?"_

_ "Possibly. From talking to Alex and Calleigh it's clear to me that your team love you dearly, hell they idolise you. Maybe they don't want to say anything for fear of disappointing you, they'd be devastated if they thought they'd let you down"_

_ "They could never let me down" _Horatio whispered, they had once more made it back to the beach, he looked out at the waves crashing on the shore and remembered fondly the time he and his team had taken a stroll together along this very beach, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

_"Do you ever take the time to tell them that?" _Jeff asked, turning his head to gaze out at the ocean too. _"Look, after all the crap that you've been through in your life I can understand how you need to be in control of something but trying to control other people is not the way to do it. You said that you could have saved the lives of those you loved, what if on those fateful days you did manage to save them, what's to say that they wouldn't walk outdoors the very next day and get hit by a bus?"_

_ "You're twisting what I've said" _Horatio growled defensively, knowing he was losing yet another psychological battle to the other man.

_"Am I? This need to control everything around you is not healthy, combined with your astonishingly low opinion of yourself it's a disaster waiting to happen. Feeling guilty for every bad thing that's happened to you or those you love is not going to stop terrible things from happening, the only person it hurts is you"_

_ "So you're saying that I shouldn't care what happens to other people? Just shrug my shoulders and tell them 'shit happens'?"_

_ "No, you need to be there for them and give them the support they need, not take the weight of the world on your shoulders. You can't take on their pain for them, it's not your cross to bear and it's not your job to protect them from every conceivable threat"_

Horatio sighed, _"It's my job to protect them" _he said quietly.

_"Says who? You? Who died and made you king?" _Jeff replied dryly, raising an eyebrow.

_"If I don't protect them then who will?"_

_ "I don't think you give your team enough credit, Horatio. They're not children or invalids; they're police officers just like you. I'm sure they know how to protect themselves, you should have a little more faith in them"_

_ "I do have faith in them" _Horatio argued.

_"From what you say and the way you act it doesn't really come across like that. Wanting to protect those around you kind of gives the impression that you don't trust them to be able to do things for themselves. How would you like it if someone treated you the way you treat them? I'm pretty sure if someone tried it on you that you'd tell them where to go, your colleagues don't want to speak up for fear of upsetting you"_

Horatio ran a bandaged hand over his face and took a deep breath, _"You make me sound like some kind of monster"_

_ "Not a monster" _the other man replied, _"Just a man who's lost his way a little. There are events in your past that you need to come to terms with, you're carrying around far too much emotional baggage. Once you reconcile with your past you'll be able to see things more clearly"_

They walked the rest of the way back to Calleigh's house in silence, Jeff knew that he had thrown a lot at Horatio today; to carry on discussing the other man's issues from this point on would only be counter-productive. Jeff knocked on the front door and gave Horatio a small smile which wasn't returned, the man looked exhausted. _"Well hello gentlemen" _Calleigh said in her perkiest voice as she opened the door, _"Come on in!"_

Horatio tried to give her a small smile but it failed to reach his eyes, he mumbled something about needing to go upstairs and brushed past her before she could greet him properly. Seeing the look of disappointment on Calleigh's face Jeff placed a reassuring hand on her arm, _"Don't be too hard on him, Calleigh. We've talked over a lot of stuff today and it looks like it's tired him out"_

Calleigh fiddled with the dish cloth in her hand as she replied, _"I'm just so worried about him. He won't talk to me; I don't know what to do for him"_

_ "Don't take it personally, he probably finds it easier to talk to me because we don't have any kind of history. He's got some real self-confidence issues going on at the moment, I'm working on changing that but it's going to take some time" _he tried to reassure her.

_"But what do I do to help him?" _she asked again.

_"When the time is right he'll talk to you. Just don't try to push him into it; he'll only lash out at you if you do. You just need to be there for him, you'll know what to do when the time's right" _Jeff gave her arm one final squeeze and made his way to the front door, he turned to face her with his hand on the door handle, _"I'll be back tomorrow morning, would the same time be ok?"_

_ "Sure, Jeff. Thanks for everything" _she told him sincerely.

_"My pleasure, Calleigh. I'll see you in the morning" _he said as he shut the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

Calleigh busied herself downstairs for a few hours, completing chores around the house and catching up on the odd jobs that she had let slide over the past few months. Although she willed herself not to she couldn't help but glance at the stairs every once in a while, she was tempted to go up to his room to check on him but though better of it, heeding the advice from Jeff. Calleigh was disturbed from her thoughts by a loud growling noise from her stomach, she realised that she had not eaten since breakfast that morning. Lunchtime had come and gone, she was too busy fretting over Horatio to care about eating anything. Figuring that cooking a meal would occupy a little more time until Alex visited Calleigh set about preparing ingredients for dinner.

Forty minutes later Calleigh took the freshly cooked lasagne out of the oven, it wasn't exactly a staple of most Miami resident's diets but she knew that Italian food was one of Horatio's favourites, she hoped that the familiar tastes and smells would help soothe his troubled mind a little. She got out two plates from the cupboard and scooped the lasagne on to them, she glanced at the wine glasses in the cupboard and toyed with the idea of opening a bottle for them to share over dinner, she shook her head and admonished herself for even entertaining the idea. She called out to him for the kitchen that dinner was ready but she was greeted with silence, after trying again and failing to get a response Calleigh purposefully made her way upstairs.

_"Horatio? It's Calleigh" _she said as she knocked on the door, _"Are you ok in there?" _Her mind started to race when she heard no response, _"Horatio, I'm going to open the door, I just want to see if you're ok" _She told him as she took a deep breath and reached for the door handle, she entered the room and saw him standing by the window, gazing out towards the beach. _"Horatio?" _she asked tentatively as she walked across the room to him, _"Everything alright?"_

He turned his head to look at her briefly, _"I'm ok, Calleigh" _he said softly. He looked down at the figurine in his hand and started to fiddle with it, clearly uncomfortable with Calleigh's presence in the room.

Calleigh's eyes followed Horatio's; she smiled when she saw him holding the glass sculpted horse in his hands. _"I see you've found Dobby" _she said as she gave him a shy smile.

He looked at her puzzled, _"Who's Dobby?" _He nodded his head in realisation when Calleigh pointed to the object in his hands, _"Sorry" _he said as he went to place the horse back on the shelf, _"I guess I feel naked without my glasses, they kind of always gave me something to play with" _he gave her a small smile.

_"It's fine, Horatio. Help yourself" s_he told him as she sat on the bed, _"I've made some dinner if you'd like to come down and try some" _she gave him her best puppy dog eyes, hoping to appeal to the kind-hearted man who she knew was still in him.

He looked at her expression and the hopefulness in her eyes, as bad as he was feeling he knew he owed it to her to at least make an effort, after all she had opened up her home to him, he told himself to show her some gratitude. He returned his gaze back to the window and continued to fiddle with the figurine, _"Sounds good, Calleigh. What are we having?"_

Her heart skipped a beat when he agreed to eat dinner with her, she told herself not to get too excited, he was still distant and emotionally detached from her but she saw his acceptance as some kind of progress. _"I've made lasagne, I know you like Italian food" s_he told him, hoping that the thought of the meal would lift his sprits a little.

She saw him flinch and clench the figurine tighter in his hand_; _Horatio took a couple of deep breaths and willed himself to get hold of his emotions. It was true, he did like Italian food but raking up old memories with Jeff had left an unpleasant taste in his mouth. He thought back to when his mother would make lasagne, usually when his father had been particularly abusive towards the two of them she would take it upon herself to make her husband his favourite meal the next day, trying to appease him. As far as Horatio was concerned the smell and taste of lasagne brought back unpleasant memories of his father, how he used to beat him and his mother until they begged for mercy.

Calleigh was taken aback by his reaction; she had thought that cooking him a meal from his favourite cuisine would make him feel better, not worse. _"Horatio, what's wrong?" _she asked shakily, rising from the bed. He turned and looked at her, she let out a small gasp when she saw the pain in his eyes, she wanted to run up and hug him but knew better than to approach him when he was so emotionally unstable. _"What is it? Talk to me please" _she begged him, gradually walking closer to him.

He gave a heavy sigh, _"I'm sorry, Calleigh" _he said as he willed himself to be honest with her, _"That dish just brings back bad memories from my childhood. It used to be my father's favourite dish" _he looked away from her again and back down to his hands.

She mentally kicked herself for not knowing, _"Oh God. I'm so sorry Horatio, I'll get rid of it and cook something else" _She turned to leave the room but was stopped by his hand on her wrist.

_"Don't" _he said more forcefully than he intended, he closed his eyes and then opened them and tried again. _"You have it, I'm not that hungry anyway" _He released her arm when he saw the look of shock on her face, _"I'm sorry" _he said quietly.

_"Will you at least come downstairs with me so I can make you something to eat?" _she asked him hopefully.

_"Ok" _he said reluctantly as he followed her down the stairs, when he entered the kitchen he saw her try to hide the lasagne in the microwave, _"Calleigh, it's fine. Eat your dinner" _he told her as he sat at the dining table.

_"What would you like to eat, Horatio?" _she asked as she walked over and looked in the fridge, _"I can make you a sandwich?" _

He was being honest when he told her that he wasn't hungry but it was clear that she would not take no for an answer, _"That'll be fine, Calleigh. But you really don't have to"_

They sat in silence as they ate, the only sound was that of the ticking clock on the wall, Calleigh glanced at it and knew Alex would be arriving soon. Horatio had at least made an effort to eat the sandwich although one half of it still remained on the plate. She watched him eat, going through the motions of chewing but not really enjoying the food he was eating, she had offered him desert but he politely declined.

Calleigh was just placing the dishes in the sink when the doorbell rang; she raced into the hallway and opened the front door, glad to see a familiar face. _"Alex" s_he said breathlessly, _"Come in"_

The doctor regarded her friend's appearance, she looked frazzled. _"Everything ok, sweetie?"_ she asked, giving a Calleigh and concerned look as she walked through in to the hallway.

_"Everything's fine, Alex" s_he lied, _"It's just been a long day"_

Alex sensed that Calliegh was not telling her the whole truth but decided to let it slide for the moment, _"Is he in the kitchen, Calleigh?" s_he asked gently. When Calleigh nodded her head the doctor made her way in to the kitchen and set her bag down on the table, _"Hey honey, how you doing?" s_he asked Horatio as she sat facing him.

He glanced at her and then looked back down at his hands, _"I'm ok, Alex. You don't need to make a fuss" _He hoped that she would leave him in peace but knew that would be highly unlikely.

_"I'm not here to make a fuss, sweetie. I'm just going to change your bandages and check your head out, ok?" _He gave her a tight nod and couldn't help the small groan that escaped his lips, _"Your head still hurting?" s_he asked him as she raised his chin with her hand and looked in his eyes.

_"A little" _he answered her honestly.

_"Let me just check you over then" s_he said as she took the small penlight from her bag, he winced when she shone it in his eyes but was satisfied that his pupils were reacting normally. _"Are you still getting dizzy spells and shooting pains in your head, Horatio?" _she asked as his eyes followed the pen as she moved it in front of his face.

_"Sometimes" _he said.

_"Well that's to be expected" _she told him as she placed the light back in her bag and pulled out dressings and bandages. She winced when she uncovered his hands, the knuckles were still sore and swollen, the bruises still a vivid dark purple colour. He looked away as she cleaned and re-dressed his hands; she carefully manipulated his broken fingers to check they were healing properly before applying a final layer of bandage. _"There. That should do you for another couple of days" _

He didn't respond with words, he looked at her and then Calleigh before standing up and leaving the room. The two women heard Horatio climb the stairs before shutting the bedroom door quietly. Alex saw the look of anguish on Calleighs face, she walked over to her and enveloped her in a fierce hug, _"It'll get better, honey. I promise you"_


	9. Chapter 9

Alex stayed with Calleigh for another hour or so talking about Horatio, the doctor tried to reassure her friend that things would improve with time and that Horatio was more communicative and alert than when she first found him on that fateful Friday night. Calleigh desperately wanted to believe what Alex was saying but she simply didn't know what to do to make Horatio feel better, the doctor eventually left with a promise to return again tomorrow night to check on the pair of them, as much as Horatio needed her help Calleigh did too.

As with the night before Calleigh tried to eat up a few hours by flicking through the TV channels but quickly tired of the completely inaccurate and overly dramatized police dramas that passed for entertainment these days. Switching the television off she made herself a cup of hot cocoa and decided to get ready for bed, finding that worrying yourself silly about someone was very tiring work. Calleigh entered her guest bedroom and changed into her night clothes, after using the bathroom she knocked softly on the door to the master bedroom. She was surprised when she heard Horatio say _"Come in" _quietly.

She found him staring out of the window again with the horse figurine once again in his hand, the sun had set about an hour ago, there was nothing to see out of the window except the pitch black of the night which was only broken by a few stars in the sky. _"Hey, Horatio. What are you doing?" s_he asked him as she entered the room.

He replied without turning to look at her, _"Nothing much" _he glanced back down to the figurine in his hand, _"I'm sorry if I disturbed you"_

_ "Not at all" _she replied, _"I was just getting myself ready for bed, I was going to catch up on a bit of reading before I turned in. I just wanted to check that you were ok"_

Still he didn't look at her, _"It's funny" _he started, _"I spent most of the day walking but somehow I don't feel tired. Lots of things going round in my head, you know?"_

She nodded even though he couldn't see her, he continued _"Guess I don't want to go to sleep either, too many memories floating about" _This time he turned to look at her, _"Calleigh, I'm so sorry for what happened last night"_

She closed the gap between them and placed both of her hands on his arms, _"It's fine, Horatio. You were having a nightmare, it wasn't your fault" s_he told him sincerely. _"You've got nothing to apologise for, ok?"_

He looked back down at his hands, uncomfortable with her looking at him so intently, _"I hurt you. You should hate me" _he said quietly.

His eyes met hers when she squeezed his arms, _"I could never, ever hate you Horatio" s_he replied with conviction, _"Nothing you do or say will ever stop me caring about you. I just wish you would believe that"_

He gently but firmly pulled his arms away from hers, _"The things I've done, Calleigh. If you knew, you'd hate me. I know you would"_

_ "What makes you think that?"_

He sighed softly and answered her honestly, _"Because I hate myself, Calleigh"_

This time she threw caution to the wind, not caring about his reaction or her own personal safety she threw her arms around him and held him tight. At first he didn't react, he just stood there frozen. When his senses he returned he tried to remove himself from her embrace but the more he tried the tighter she held him. _"Oh Horatio" s_he said as the tears fell from her eyes, _"Don't ever say that"_

_ "Calleigh" _he said, trying to make her see sense but finding his voice muffled by her close proximity, _"It's the truth. I'm no good for any of you. Please just let me go and I'll leave tonight"_

_"Don't you dare!" _she shouted furiously, tightening her grip on him as he continued to struggle to free himself. _"You're staying here and that's the end of it"_

The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her but he found himself panicking, he had already said too much today. The voices in his head telling him that he was pathetic for crying on the shoulder of a young, beautiful woman. _"What kind of man are you?" _they taunted him as they hounded him with insults, _"Once a mummy's boy, always a mummy's boy" _He clenched his eyes shut and then pulled away from Calleigh with as much force as he dared. She stared at him in shock, _"I'm sorry, Calleigh" _he said as he tried to bolt for the door, she was quicker than him and stood in the doorway, blocking his exit. _"Calleigh, please move"_

She looked at him, her gaze fierce. _"No. I'm not moving" _She folded her arms over her chest as if to emphasize her point.

_"Calleigh. You have to let me go, please" _he pleaded with her.

_"I told you, I'm not moving" s_he was determined to stand her ground no matter what he tried to do to get past her.

_"Calleigh, please"_

_ "No" _she repeated as she braced herself for the physical impact, closing her eyes and expecting Horatio to bulldoze his way past her. It took her by surprise then when after a number of minutes he exhaled and sat down on the bed, she opened her eyes and saw him with his head in his hands. At first she thought she had imagined it but when she heard his breath hitch for a second time she knew he was crying, she sat down on the bed next to him and placed an arm around his shoulder. At first he stiffened at the contact but when his muscles relaxed a little she pulled him closer to her, rubbing soothing circles on his back. _"It's going to be ok, Horatio. I promise you"_

_ "I'm sorry" w_as all he kept saying, over and over until the tears ran dry. The voices in his head kept telling him what a loser and a waste of space he was, he swore that he could hear his father's voice in his head too, telling him how all he ever did was bring shame to those around him.

Calleigh allowed her tears to fall as she gripped onto the man in front of her, afraid that if she let him go that he would be swept away by the raw emotions that we battering him mercilessly. She prayed that he would somehow find his way out of the deep, dark hole that he was in and told herself that she would support him every step of the way.

Sensing that his tears had stopped, Calleigh attempted to remove herself from his body. _"No, Calleigh. Please stay" _he asked her as their eyes met, she felt her heart break when she saw the pleading look in his eyes. _"The dreams" _he tried to explain.

She didn't need any further words; she knew what he meant, _"Ok, Horatio. Let's get a bit more comfortable" s_he said as she helped him to lie down on the bed, he lay facing her and she held her arms out to him and brought him closer. She watched him close his eyes as she stroked his arm in rhythmic circles, only when she was satisfied that he was asleep did she close her own eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, the holiday season has been keeping me very busy and this is the first time in a while that I've had a chance to get on here and post. As a way of apologising here is a longer-than-usual chapter for you. I hope you enjoy...**

Morning came once again, both Calleigh and Horatio had slept peacefully for most of the night, there were a few occasions when the redhead would start to mumble and shift in his sleep but a few soothing words from Calleigh and a gentle kiss on his head seemed to settle him. Calleigh was woken by the sound of gulls out on the beach; she raised her free arm and looked at her watch, surprised to find that she had slept in so late. He looked so peaceful at the moment and she hated to wake him but knew that they both needed to get up and get ready for the day ahead.

She squeezed his arm gently and he moaned softly in response, his brow creasing. _"Horatio. Time to get up" _she told him as she rubbed her hand up and down his arm, he moaned once more and slowly opened his eyes. His eyes widened when his brain processed the compromising position he found himself in with his subordinate. He quickly untangled himself from her and shot into the en-suite bathroom, closing the door behind him. She sighed and closed her eyes, she had hoped last night that they had made progress; he had talked to her and accepted her comforting embrace, but this morning as soon as he opened his eyes she saw the emotional barriers come down once more.

Calleigh looked down and realised that she was still in her night clothes; she lifted herself from the bed and smoothed the duvet back down. She spotted the bag with Horatio's clothes in and took them out and placed them in piles on the bed, hoping that he would take the subtle hint to at least change his shirt this morning. With that she left the room and returned to the guest bedroom to get washed and dressed for the day. After hearing no movement in the en-suite bathroom for a number of minutes she began to worry what Horatio was doing in there, her mind immediately envisaged him doing something awful. The way he had spoken last night, he sounded so defeated that she worried that he might give up on himself completely. She was about to return to the other room when she heard the shower turn on, her fears momentarily abated she returned to the task of getting ready herself.

He stood in the bathroom trying to control his breathing; he was mortified that he had been caught in such a compromising position with her. He hated himself for the fact that he had let her see him so weak and vulnerable, he remembered what his father would say to him after he had finished beating him and he was left crying and shaking in the corner. _"Pull yourself together!" _he would shout at his terrified son, _"Real men don't cry. You're nothing but a snivelling idiot!" _He cursed himself for his weakness, it didn't matter what Jeff tried to tell him, he knew his father was right. The sooner he got out of all of their lives the better, he was a failure and sooner or later they would tire of his self-pitying behaviour. Once they knew the truth about him they would never look at him the same way again, they had no idea what he had done and the things he was capable of. He promised himself that as soon as the opportunity presented itself that he would leave all of their lives. For good.

* * *

Once Calleigh had got dressed she made her way downstairs and in to the kitchen, she set about preparing breakfast but could not shake the nagging bad feeling she'd had since waking up this morning. She was about to call out to him when she heard him walking down the stairs, she smiled at him as he walked into the kitchen but he did not return it with one of his own. He sat down at the dining table and picked up a spreading knife, he fiddled with it absent-mindedly as Calleigh brought two steaming cups of coffee over to the table. _"Not sharp enough" _he told himself as he contemplated the item in his hands, _"Wrists. Arterial spray. Too messy" _Some days he cursed working so closely with the dead but he had to admit that it came in handy when one was contemplating ending their life.

Calleigh watched him turn the knife in his hand and how the sunlight reflected off of it as he moved. He seemed to be lost in thought; she only wished that she knew what was going through his mind. Just as she was steeling herself to open her mouth and talk to him the toaster 'popped', she rose from her chair and collected the food before bringing it back to the table and dropping it on Horatio's plate. He looked up at her and was about to tell her that he wasn't hungry, _"Eat" s_he said firmly. He sighed and looked down at the toast, sensing that it was easier to take the path of less resistance he went about spreading jam on it before taking a bite. She smiled at him in response and continued to look at him to ensure that he ate every item on his plate. They sat in awkward silence until the doorbell rang, _"Right on time" _Calleigh thought as she left the kitchen.

She opened the door and greeted Jeff with a smile, _"Come in" _she said warmly, glad that the other man was here, hopefully he would be able to talk some sense into the stubborn redhead in her kitchen. Jeff returned her smile and walked through into the hallway, he looked Calleigh up and down and then spoke softly, _"How were things last night?" _he said as he glanced at the kitchen.

_"Better. I think" _she replied, placing one hand on her forehead and one on her hip.

_"Any bad dreams?"_

_ "Not really" _she answered vaguely.

_"Meaning?" _Jeff prodded.

She wasn't quite sure how to phrase it without it sounding inappropriate, _"It got a bit emotional last night" s_he paused to glance at the kitchen and then back to Jeff who motioned for her to go on, _"He ended up falling asleep in my arms"_

_ "And the nightmares didn't return?"_

Calleigh nodded her head and looked at the ground, she knew her methods were hardly textbook but it seemed to keep his demons at bay, at least when he was sleeping anyway. She was expecting to hear a lecture about boundaries and personal space and so she was surprised when Jeff spoke. _"Good" _he said as he smiled at her.

_"Good?" _she repeated, not understanding his reaction.

_"Yes. It seems that unconsciously at least Horatio is reaching out to you; it's good that he's seeking physical comfort. It's a start, at least" _he told her, trying to reassure the clearly worried woman in front of him. _"Is he in the kitchen?" _he asked, changing the subject. She nodded and followed him into the kitchen.

_"Horatio" _she said, trying to gain his attention. _"Jeff's here to see you" _He nodded his head slightly and winced but didn't raise his gaze to either of them. _"I guess I'll leave you to it then" _she said as she left the room and went upstairs.

Jeff placed his bag down on the table and sat in the chair next to Horatio, _"Mind if I sit?" _he asked.

_"Looks like you already have" _Horatio replied, his tone sullen.

_"Your head still hurting?"_

Still Horatio would not meet his gaze, _"A bit"_ he said, hoping that Jeff would take the hint that he wasn't in a talking mood today.

_"Well we're certainly monosyllabic this morning, are we?" _Jeff responded, trying to lighten the mood. Horatio lifted his head and gave the other man a withering glare, _"Well at least he's looking at me now" _he thought as he took the small psychological victory.

_"What do you want?" _Horatio asked him, tiring of Jeff's seemingly happy-go-lucky nature and his answers for everything.

_"Wow. You're really not in a people-pleasing mood at the moment are you? Want to talk about it?"_

_ "No" _was the taciturn reply.

Sensing that he was getting nowhere fast Jeff decided to change tacks, _"I was wondering, do you have any hobbies?"_

Horatio looked at him puzzled, caught off guard by the line of questioning. _"What has that got to do with anything?"_

_ "When we're feeling stressed it's often good to do something we enjoy. It helps lift our spirits and focus the mind"_

_ "I don't have time for hobbies" _Horatio eventually replied, fidgeting nervously with the knife in his hands.

Jeff slapped his thighs as he raised himself from the chair, _"Well, you do this week. How about we go for another walk?" _He stood by the kitchen door and waited for Horatio to follow him, eventually the other man raised himself warily to his feet and followed Jeff into the hallway.

After leaving the house they walked down to the beach and took the same route as yesterday, after a couple of minutes Jeff spoke, _"So, as I was saying" _he began, looking over to Horatio, _"What kind of things do you like to do to relax?"_

Horatio contemplated the question for a moment, _"I told you. I don't have time" _he replied, not wanting to discuss it further.

_"Okay. What kinds of things did you do when you had the time?"_

He was definitely not in the mood for a game of twenty questions today, _"What does it matter?" _he asked tiredly.

_"It matters because you need something to occupy that big old mind of yours. You need to give your brain something to concentrate on rather than moping"_

_ "You think I'm moping?!" _Horatio responded, his voice rising.

Jeff realised that he had probably overstepped the mark with Horatio, _"I'm sorry. That came out wrong" _his said as way of an apology. _"What I meant to say was that you seem to be spending far too much time focusing on the negatives at the moment. We need to break that cycle" _He hoped that he had managed to recover a little of the ground he had lost with his previous tactless statement.

Horatio shoved his hands in his pockets and did not speak for a number of minutes, finally he answered the question. _"I used to play varsity basketball in high school. Ray Jr and I, we used to go fishing when he was younger" _he shrugged his shoulders as he carried on walking, head down. _"That's about it really"_

_ "Were you any good at basketball?" _Jeff asked, trying to open the other man up a bit more.

_"I was ok" _he said, uncomfortably. _" I was offered a basketball scholarship to NYU"_

_ "Wow" _Jeff responded, impressed by the other man's declaration. _"What happened, did you take it?"_

Horatio shook his head sadly, _"No" _he responded quietly, _"I was all set to, but then Dad….he…he…..you know" _he said stammering, unable to put into words again that horrific night.

_"I understand" _Jeff responded, _"What happened to you and Ray after that night?"_

_ "Someone from Family Services collected us and took us to an emergency foster family. I spent most of the first few days being questioned by the police, when they were satisfied that I hadn't butchered my own mother and father in cold blood they let me go back to school"_

_ "I bet that was difficult, wasn't it?"_

Horatio laughed humourlessly, _"The other kids just stared at me, and the coach of the basketball team benched me. Told me I wasn't good for team morale"_

_ "Did you and Ray find a good foster home?"_

_ "No" _he replied honestly, _"Most of the families were just in it for the money, they didn't care what we got up to. We tended to get moved on every few weeks anyway. Never did stay at any one high school for too long after that, we must have gone to most of the schools in the tri-state area"_

_ "But you must have gone to college at some point, you can't run a crime lab without having some kind of qualifications"_

_ "About nine months after….after it happened we got placed with a new foster family" _Horatio smiled slightly as he remembered the couple fondly, _"She was a stay at home wife and he was a detective in the NYPD, it was the first place where Ray and I felt welcome"_

_ "They were good people, then?" _Jeff probed, sensing that Horatio was remembering fond memories.

_"The best" _he responded sincerely, _"Ray and I both acted out a bit after what happened but Rick and Emma wouldn't take any crap from us. I remember I told them one day that I was going to quit school and go and find a job so that Ray and I could support ourselves" _

_"And what did they say?"_

Horatio laughed softly as he remembered, _"Rick told me to knuckle down and graduate from high school. He told me about the new facilities that were being discussed in the NYPD, a new forensic investigation department was being created. He knew that I liked chemistry and engineering and he told me that he and Emma would pay for me to go to college"_

_ "Wow, bet that made you happy?"_

The smile faded from Horatio's face, _"Not really. I felt incredibly guilty that they were spending their hard-earned savings on me. They were in their mid-fifties when they took Ray and I on, they should have been saving that money for their retirement._

_ "So what did you do?"_

_ "I had more than a few heated arguments with them, they were insistent that I go to college. They told me that there would be no way I could support Ray and myself on a minimum wage. I realised that they were right, I needed to provide a better life for Ray"_

_ "What did you study in college?"_

_ "Chemistry and electrical engineering" _he replied, tonelessly.

_"Wow, you need to be pretty switched on to deal with that kind of studying" _Jeff commented.

"Rick_ and Emma were great with Ray, they let me get my head down to concentrate on studying. I felt so guilty though, Ray was my responsibility and I was letting two almost strangers take care of him whilst I thought about myself"_

_ "That's not true. You were working hard to make a better life for Ray and yourself. I'm sure he never blamed you for that"_

Horatio winced and closed his eyes as his mind dredged up another memory, _"I remember one night, Ray came into my room and asked me to shoot some hoops with him in the back yard. I told him I was busy and that he should go and play by himself but he wouldn't take no for an answer"_

Horatio paused and Jeff knew he would have to prompt the other man to elaborate further, _"Then what happened?"_

Horatio sighed deeply, _"I'll never forget what happened after that for the rest of my life"_

**Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing, I'm not sure when I'll be able to post the next chapter due to family and work commitments over Christmas. I can assure everyone that there is still plenty more to come and I'd also like to take the time to wish everyone a very happy, healthy and peaceful holidays xxxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's a little Christmas present for you... I would just like to say that the stuff with Yelina and Ray Jr does not follow cannon and is something I made up myself.**

Horatio had stopped walking, he gazed out at the ocean and then awkwardly lowered himself to the ground, Jeff followed suit. He realised in that moment that he really needed something in his hands to fiddle with, he looked between his knees and found small shell which he picked up and turned over in his hands as he spoke, _"I had an end of semester chemistry test, I needed to pass it with a good grade so that I could carry on with my studies as a second year student. I'd been burning the candle at both ends for a week or so, I was running on fumes and I just kept telling myself that once the test was over I would pay more attention to Ray" _Horatio paused, his focus on the shell in his hands. _"I was tired and stressed. Ray just kept bugging me. He pushed me and pushed me until I snapped at him" _Horatio closed his eyes as the memories returned.

_"What happened?"_

Horatio took a deep breath before he answered, _"I just remember seeing red. I screamed at him to stop being such a pain and to leave me alone. The look on his face, it was exactly the way I looked at my father when he came after me in a drunken rage. He just stood there, terrified" _He squeezed the shell in his hand, not caring when the rough edges bit into the exposed areas of skin on his bandaged hands. _"He just stood there, shaking. When I realised what I had done I tried to apologise. I went up to give him a hug but he just pushed me away. He told me that I was just like our father"_

_ "You do know that he was just lashing out, don't you?"_

Horatio turned his gaze to the other man, his face bleak. _"No. He was right. I was just like my father"_

_ "You're wrong"_

_ "Am I? Look at how I've turned out. Bitter, twisted, angry and alone. Pretty much like father like son" _he threw the shell back down on to the sand.

_"You're feeling angry and bitter at the moment and that is completely understandable. You've had more than your fair share of crap to deal with in your life, I can see that you're the type of man who deals with things on his own. There's nothing wrong with that but there's only so much baggage we can carry with us before things start to get too much"_

_ "So what do you suggest, Dr Phil?" _Horatio replied sarcastically.

_"First, you need to come to terms with your anger. Keeping it pent up inside isn't healthy. A little fire in the belly is good for all of us, keeps us focussed on what's important. When the anger builds over time and you don't let it out incidents like Friday night tend to happen" _Horatio glared at him but Jeff carried on regardless, _"You're a strong man Horatio, no one can ever deny that. How you've made it this far without cracking is somewhat of a miracle, what happened is a warning sign. You need to come to terms with your past and be able to move forward, it's not about forgiving or forgetting what has happened but accepting it for what it is. A life lesson"_

Jeff watched the other man as he regarded his words; eventually the icy glare faded and was replaced with a look of remorse. _"I don't know what to do" _Horatio said, his voice barely a whisper. _"Where do I start?"_

_ "You start with releasing some of the anger that's eating at you. Like I said, engaging in a hobby is great way to blow off steam. You still any good at basketball?"_

Horatio smiled slightly at that, _"I'm ok" _he answered modestly.

_"Any of your team play?"_

_ "Walter plays most days. He and Jesse were always arguing as to who was the best" _The smile faded at the name of his fallen colleague. _"Someone else you couldn't save" _the voice in his head told him snidely.

_"Maybe you should ask Walter for a game from time to time" _Jeff suggested.

Horatio snorted, _"I very much doubt Walter would want to spend his free time hanging around shooting hoops with some old man like me"_

_ "How do you know? Have you ever asked him? Maybe he'd love it, to have his boss be actively interested in something he does too. Your team worship the ground you walk on but you're so closed off from all of them, they can help you if you let them"_

He considered it for a moment, _"Maybe"_

Sensing that the conversation had come to a halt Jeff tried again, _"What about Ray Jr and his mother, do you see a lot of them?"_

Horatio laughed bitterly in response, _"Not anymore. They moved to California, I'm lucky if I get an email or a card once or twice a year"_

_ "Do you try to contact them?"_

_ "No. I never seem to get the time"_

_ "Well, relationships are a two way street. If you're not putting the effort in then how can you expect them to?"_

He didn't have an answer for that, he looked back down at the sand and silently wished that he hadn't thrown the shell away. Fiddling was a good distraction.

Jeff spoke again, _"How about you get in contact with Ray Jr, I'm sure he'd love to spend some time with you"_

_ "He's probably too busy with college and girls to want to spend time with me" _he replied softly, genuinely regretting losing contact with his nephew. He had been more of a father to the boy than his brother ever was.

_"How do you know until you try? What's your relationship with his mother like?"_

_ "Awkward" _he replied honestly. When Jeff looked at him he felt compelled to explain himself further, _"When Ray went undercover in Narcotics he was away, sometimes for months at a time. Yelina needed help with Ray Jr; she was bringing him up single-handedly most of the time. Then when we though Ray had died she needed someone to lean on even more. I ended up seeing Ray Jr's first steps, going to his school plays, helping him with his homework and the like. I used to be at Yelina's most nights being a father to her son. That's when the lines got a bit blurred"_

_ "Blurred? How so?"_

_ "For all intents and purposes we were almost like a married couple, bringing up a child between us. The three of us doing things as a family, we ate together, played together…." _Horatio's words trailed off as he kicked himself mentally for revealing too much.

_"There was an attraction between the two of you?"_

He winced as his cheeks coloured in shame, _"There was chemistry"_ he responded, emphasising the last word.

_"Did anything ever happen between you?"_

_ "No. There were a few close calls but we managed to keep our feelings under control. I felt so guilty that I was coveting my dead brother's wife, how sick is that?" _he said bitterly, hating himself for having such thoughts about Yelina.

_"If she was a beautiful woman then I can completely understand" _Jeff replied.

_"When Ray came back, after all those years when we thought he was dead she dropped me like a hot brick. She, Ray and Ray Jr got on a plane to Brazil and left me"_

_ "That must have hurt"_

_ "Probably no more than I deserved for my sinful behaviour" _

_ "You have every right to be upset, you cared for Yelina and your nephew for a long time before Ray returned. How did things go after they left for Brazil?"_

_ "It wasn't long before Ray got in too deep with drugs again; I ended up going out to Brazil with Eric. They'd beaten and tortured Ray, I couldn't get to him in time to save him" _He closed his eyes as the vision of his brother beaten, bloody and dead on a dirty floor flooded his mind. _"Ray Jr had somehow gotten into running drugs for the local cartel; I managed to get him and Yelina back to Miami"_

_ "Did the feelings between the two of you return?"_

_ "No. When she came back to Miami she was distant, cold. I think she blamed me for Ray's death, I should have been there to save him but I failed him. She became a private investigator, we still spoke but things were awkward between us. She even started dating someone she knew I hated, I think she did it just to get back at me" _He admitted honestly.

_"Why did she move to California?"_

_ "Probably to get away from me. She'd been getting more distant and evasive just before she left. I don't think she took it too well when I asked her to look into Kyle for me. When she found out that I had a son and that I hadn't been part of his life for the first fifteen years I guess she thought it must be a Caine trait. To be a deadbeat father"_

_ "We've discussed this already, you know that's not true" _Jeff told him, trying to get him to see reason.

_"But I've no doubt that it's what she thought. Being an awful father must run in the family"_


	12. Chapter 12

**Here's a little Boxing Day present for you, I hope you enjoy:**

_"I could tell you that it's not true but I'd just be repeating myself" _Jeff said.

_"It's the way I see it" _Horatio replied succinctly, getting to his feet he brushed the sand off of his pants and walked further down the beach.

Jeff quickly got up and ran a few paces to catch up with the stubborn redhead. _"And that's pretty much your problem right there"_

_ "What? That I'm an awful father?" _Horatio sneered, his eyes narrowing.

_"No…." _the other man answered patiently. _"The way you see things at the moment. You're seeing the worst in everything and it's clouding your judgement"_

Horatio turned his head in Jeff's direction, _"Really?" _he said in a tone that made it clear he didn't believe what the other man was saying.

_"Yes, really. Once you let go of some of that anger and negativity you'll start seeing things in a new light"_

_ "And what if I don't want to?"_

Jeff sighed, running a hand through his hair. _"I think you do"_

_ "And how would you know that?"_

_ "Because you wouldn't be here right now talking to me"_

Horatio let out a bitter laugh, _"I'm here because I know that Alex will report me as being unfit for duty if I don't"_

_ "Is that the only reason? Is there not even a small part of you that wants to move forward?"_

He glared at the other man, angry at himself for exposing his secrets to Jeff. He felt awkward and uncomfortable and shocked that this man could read him so well.

Jeff continued, _"You've spent far too long being strong for other people, putting them first. It seems like you've never really come to terms with your own feelings about the past, you just keeping pushing them further down. That only works for so long before you end up losing a part of yourself, the part that makes you human"_

Still piercing the other man with a fearsome glare he responded, _"You think I'm cold and unfeeling?"_

_ "God, no. No one could ever accuse you of not having feelings. You care so deeply about those around you, that much is obvious. You give them the emotional support they need but you're denying yourself the same in return. You're shutting away feelings that you should be dealing with, you need a release too. All of these emotions need to come to the surface; you need to take care of yourself the way you do others"_

_ "I don't matter" _was his succinct reply.

_"You matter to these people more than you realise. You're surrounded by people who hero-worship you, they'd be devastated if anything happened to you" _Jeff said as he once again tried to get Horatio to see reason.

_"No, they wouldn't. They'd be better off without me" _he said quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

Jeff stopped walking momentarily as the meaning of Horatio's words began to sink in, _"Please don't tell me you're thinking of doing anything stupid!"_

_ "Maybe it would be easier on everyone if I did"_

_ "No. No matter how bleak things seem, that is NOT the answer"_

As Jeff caught up with Horatio once more, the redhead turned to look at him. _"To be honest, I think I'm too much of a coward to go through with it anyway. I remember Eric asked me once if I had a death wish after Marisol died. I didn't want to die but at the same time for the last few years I didn't much care if I did. Still here though" _he laughed bitterly.

_"That should tell you something"_

_ "What, that I'm a failure at trying to get myself killed? I'll add that to my list, thanks" _he replied snidely.

_"It should tell you that you're here for a reason. Everyone has a purpose in life, it seems like you've forgotten what yours is"_

_ "It seems my purpose is to get those around me killed. I'm pretty good at that"_

Jeff had worked with many people during his career from all different walks of life, many with traumatic experiences in their past. Horatio Caine had to be the most stubborn man he had ever come across, he refused to see the truth that was staring him in the face and instead continued to berate himself for every perceived mistake. _"Why did you join the police?" _he asked, changing the subject.

Once again the question caught him off guard, _"Why does that matter?"_

_ "You must have joined for a reason; did Rick want you to join the NYPD?"_

_ "No, he was against me joining. He said that he would be much happier if I worked in a lab"_

_ "I take it you didn't agree?"_

Horatio smiled slightly as he recalled long-forgotten memories, _"When I left college I applied to join the new forensics department at the NYPD. Forensics was still in its infancy then, there were budget cuts which meant that couldn't take on new staff but the recruitment department told me they were looking for people to train as police officers. After what I saw Rick did for a living I knew that I wanted to do the same"_

_ "How did he react?"_

_ "He hit the roof when I told him I had applied, he said that I was too young and that Ray needed me around. I told him that my brother was growing up and that I wanted to make him proud, I wanted to make Rick and Emma proud of me too"_

_ "So he came around to the idea in the end?"_

_ "Not exactly, he knew that I would have gone ahead and done it anyway. When I started my training at the academy Rick gave me shooting lessons and helped me with the skills I needed. I still don't think he was happy when I graduated from the academy but he didn't say anything"_

_ "Did you enjoy being a cop back then?"_

_ "I loved it" _he replied honestly.

The use of the past tense wasn't lost on Jeff, _"Do you still enjoy it now?"_

Horatio considered his response for a few minutes, shocking even himself with his response. _"I don't know…..I'm not sure"_

_ "How so, what's changed?"_

He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath, _"Some days I go to work, go through the motions and think, what's the point? It doesn't matter how many criminals you put away, ten more seem to crop up to replace them"_

_ "So you feel like you're not making a difference anymore?"_

_ "I'm not sure I ever made a difference in the first place" _Horatio replied despondently. _"The things that people are capable of, it just makes me feel sick. How can humans be so cruel to each other?"_

_ "You do make a difference, a huge one. There are so many grateful people out there who you played a part in saving or helping. Surely that's the reason you do the job?"_

_ "It used to be. Now I'm not so sure. I used to do everything by the book, but where did it get me? Nowhere. I've seen so many monsters be set free to walk the streets by getting off on some technicality. I guess I've just got tired of playing by a different set of rules to them. There comes a time when you've got to fight fire with fire and if the system won't get justice for the victims then maybe I should"_

Jeff could sense the other man was wide open now, he saw an opportunity to make some real inroads. _"Is that how you justified your brutality towards them, that they were scum and that they deserved it?"_

_ "I guess so" _Horatio answered honestly, _"Look at how much I lost trying to be a righteous man"_

_ "So you think two wrongs make a right, then? A beating for a paedophile or a cop killer is justified in your eyes?"_

He felt uncomfortable being the focus of the other man's gaze, _"Yes….no…..God, I don't know!" _his voice rose in frustration as he kicked out at the sand, unable to differentiate between what he knew was wrong and what he felt was right.


	13. Chapter 13

**I must be in a festive mood as I'm giving you two chapters today. I hope you enjoy:**

Jeff continued to press home his point, _"Maybe they were just a convenient target for your anger. You could get your frustration out by beating someone who deserved it. You knew what you were doing was wrong but you justified your actions by hurting those who had hurt others. An eye for an eye" _He could see that the other man's defences were falling now.

_"I'm just so tired" _he said after a long silence, _"I don't know why I'm doing this anymore"_

Jeff softened his tone, _"Maybe you need a break. When was the last time you had some R and R?" _

Horatio thought about it for some time, _"When Marisol was still alive" _he answered, his eyes and his voice full of sorrow.

_"And how long ago was that?"_

His voice was barely a whisper as he answered, _"Nearly seven years ago"_

_ "You're still punishing yourself for her death" _Jeff paused as Horatio gave him a puzzled look, _"You're denying yourself any pleasure because you think you don't deserve it. You can't bring her back and so you deny yourself comfort and reassurance from your friends as some kind of penance. It's a chivalrous notion but quite flawed" _he said as he gave the redhead a wry smile. _"This self-flagellation has to stop at some point. You're not to blame for the deaths of your loved ones"_

_ "I could have saved them. I should have saved them" _he said quietly, stuffing his hands back into his pockets and keeping his head down.

_"We've been through this. You can't change what happened in the past but you can change what happens now" _Jeff sensed that perhaps Horatio had had enough for now and thought that it was probably a good time for a break. _"Fancy a coffee?"_

Horatio was tired and defeated, he just wanted to go back home and be left alone to wallow in his own self-pity. Unfortunately the man in front of him had other ideas, he had methodically taken each of his arguments and rationalised them to a point where he couldn't argue with him any longer. Maybe he had been so wrapped up in his own pain and suffering that he could no longer clearly judge what was going on around him. As much as he was irritated by the other man's presence he had to admit that he was starting to see a few things in a different light. He had hated dredging up the memories of his childhood, the experiences that he wished that he could forget, the emotions that flowed inside of him could no longer be held back. Part of him wanted to force them back down into that dark place he had hidden them for so long and yet the other part yearned for the love and understanding that he knew his friends were offering him. He was a proud and independent man who had never really had anyone to rely on but himself, he had no idea how he was going to break a habit of a lifetime.

Horatio nodded his head slightly and Jeff took this as acceptance of his offer, _"Great. I know this great little place right down the beach" _he said, pointing the way.

* * *

_"Are you sure I can't convince you to try a chamomile tea?" _Jeff asked, humour in his voice as he perused the shop menu.

_"I'll stick with a coffee thanks" _

_"I'll tell you what" _Jeff began as he ordered the drinks and handed the menu back to the waitress, _"When your hands are healed I'll give you a game of one on one on the court. If you win I'll never mention your coffee habit again but if I win you have to drink a cup of herbal tea. Deal?" _he stuck his hand out waiting for Horatio to shake it.

He looked at the other man wearily, unsure where this mind game was headed. _"Fine. Whatever" _he said as he reluctantly took Jeff's hand and gripped it as hard as his damaged hands would allow.

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes until their drinks were served, Horatio was glad for something to fiddle with, it served as good distraction from the man across the table. _"Calleigh's a nice girl" _Jeff said casually, adding sugar to his tea.

Horatio's hands stilled as he narrowed his eyes at Jeff, _"What's your point?"_

He held is hands up in surrender, _"I'm not insinuating anything other than she seems like a lovely woman. She cares for you very deeply, you know"_

_ "She's my colleague, I'm sure the only affection she has for me is that I'm her boss"_

_ "I think it's more than that" _he replied, stirring his tea. _"The way she looks at you, there's a deep bond between you. Probably more than both of you realise. How do you get on with your other colleagues?"_

_ "I'm their boss. They follow my commands. That's it really" _Horatio replied, suddenly feeling defensive.

_"Would you lay down your life for them?"_

He didn't even need to think before answering that one, _"Of course I would"_

_ "Do you think that they would do the same for you?"_

Horatio went back to fiddling with his cup, he took a gulp of coffee before he answered. _" I would hope so. But if they did then they would just be another person I failed"_

Jeff put his cup down, _"You may not think that you have any family but you do. Kyle may be on another continent but he's always in your heart and your colleagues are a family to you too. You're surrounded by people, good people who care about you a great deal but yet you're choosing to be alone. It's not only you that you're punishing but them as well, every time you close yourself off and push them away"_

He said nothing, he just kept his head down.

_"Alex never shuts up about you, you know. It's always 'Horatio this' and 'Horatio that' she makes you sound like some kind of superhero. Her face literally lights up when she speaks about you. She sees you as the brother she never had, I think she's missed that these last few years"_

_ "I miss her too" _He mentally kicked himself for letting the words slip from his mouth before he could stop them.

_"Then why don't you do something about it?"_

He looked up at the other man now, he opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again, and finally he spoke, _"I don't know. After the way I've treated her she probably hates me right now"_

_ "That's bull and you know it, stop making excuses"_

_ "What do you suggest I do? It's not like I can invite her round to my house at the moment is it?" _he responded sarcastically.

_"I'm sure she'd love to have you go round to her house to visit, I bet her kids would love to see you too"_

_ "Not sure I should go round there looking like this" _Horatio responded, gesturing to his injured face and hands.

_"It'll be fine" _Jeff told him as he drained the last of his tea and pulled his wallet out. _"Horatio. Let me get this" _he said as he dropped a handful of dollars on the booth counter.

_"You paid last time"_

_ "And I'm paying again this time"_

_ "Fine" _Horatio said as he drunk the rest of his coffee, _"Just add it to your fees at the end of the week"_

_ "Horatio. There aren't going to be any bills for my services, I'm doing this as a favour to Alex, I owe her one anyway. She cares for you a great deal, Horatio. Maybe by the end of the week you'll see that" _With that Jeff got up and left with Horatio following a few paces behind.


	14. Chapter 14

**Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy:**

Horatio was surprised when Jeff began walking back towards Calleigh's house. _"What, no afternoon session?" _he asked a little petulantly. If he was being honest with himself he was actually starting to warm to the other man a little, he felt better for unburdening some of his emotions on Jeff, not that he would admit it to anyone though, not even under the pain of torture.

_"Nope. We're heading back, we've done enough for today. And besides, my lovely lady wife has planned hours of shopping for me this afternoon" _he gave Horatio a pained look, _"Believe me, I'd rather be spending the day with you, as stubborn as you are. Shopping with a woman is akin to torture in my book"_

He realised that he suddenly felt lost, he had no idea what he would do to occupy himself during the afternoon. _"What am I supposed to do?" _he asked a little childishly.

_"You, my friend are going to do whatever you want, as long as it's restful and relaxing"_

_ "What do you suggest? Some chanting followed by a session of yoga and then some Pilates?" w_as his petulant response.

_"While that's quite the mental image I don't think it's really you, do you?" _Jeff replied, letting Horatio's snide comments glide off of him like water off a duck's back. He smiled inwardly as he recognised that Horatio was starting to lean on him emotionally, the man had kept everything inside so long and whether he knew it or not he was slowly starting to get through to him. He knew Horatio's response to the end of the session was due to him not having Jeff's calming presence around him and it suddenly unnerved the stubborn redhead. Horatio's stock defence was to go on the attack, pushing people away when he felt they were getting too close to him. _"Don't worry" _Jeff said smiling as they walked through the front garden and back to Calleigh's front door, _"You get to spend some more time with me tomorrow"_

_ "Great. Can't wait" _he replied as he gave Jeff a forced smile.

Jeff was just about to knock on the door when Calleigh opened it, _"Hi guys" _she said warmly, giving Horatio her most dazzling smile, _"You're back early aren't you?"_

_ "I'm afraid my wife has already planned my afternoon for me. She plans shopping trips with military precision"_ He looked to each of them helplessly,_ "Pray for me" _with that he said his goodbyes and left the pair of them standing on the doorstep.

Calleigh beckoned for Horatio to enter the house, _"Are you hungry? I was just about to have some lunch, I can make you a sandwich if you like?"_

His first instinct was to run away, get away from her presence that was so warm and inviting. His mind waged war with itself as he was torn between accepting her care and comfort and isolating himself away from those around him. He admonished himself for being so weak as he accepted her offer. _"A sandwich would be great" _he said as he forced himself to put a smile on his face.

He followed her through to the kitchen and sat at the table, his eyes caught the placemat and lit up, glad that he had something to fiddle with. Calleigh took various items out of the fridge and hummed to herself as she made lunch. The sound took Horatio back to the time when Calleigh had just joined his team in Miami, it always used to warm his heart a little to walk past her ballistics lab and hear her hum a beautiful little tune as she methodically went about cleaning her guns or matching striations on bullets. The happy memory faded as Horatio knew that those days had long since passed, how did things get so complicated?, he asked himself. They all seemed so happy and full of enthusiasm for the job back then, everything was new and exciting. One by one the losses of those around them had slowly ground them all down, but as much as he hated to admit it, it had affected him the most. He almost found himself a little jealous of the woman before him, she still seemed to have her happiness, no matter what happened this beautiful blonde bombshell just bounced straight back again. He would never admit it to anyone but he found himself yearning for her warm smile and perky demeanour, even in his darkest moments she could start to thaw his frozen heart.

She glanced over to him and could see that he was lost in thought, he was staring into space. She watched the range of emotions cross his face, happiness turned to sadness and then to wistfulness. _"Whatcha thinking?" s_he asked him, hoping that he wouldn't shut her out again.

He shook his head slightly as if coming out of a trance, _"It's nothing really" _he told her, avoiding her gaze.

She placed the sandwich in front of him and sat down next to him. _"Don't shut me out, Horatio. Talk to me" _her voice quiet yet pleading. She placed a hesitant hand on his arm. He flinched slightly but she took it as a positive sign that he did not move his arm away. _"You can talk to me, you know"_

He raised his gaze to look at her, he placed a hand on top of hers. _"I want to" _he told her honestly. _"I'm just not very good at any of this. I'm not used to talking about my feelings. It's making me feel awkward and uncomfortable"_

_ "I can understand that. Maybe we could both talk about how we're feeling and see where we go from there. I swear to you Horatio, whatever you tell me will go no further than this room" _she told him earnestly, willing him to believe her.

_"Ok" _he said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. _"Now or never, old man" _he told himself. _"I'm sorry for how I've acted the last few days, my behaviour has been unacceptable and for that I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Things got out of hand and I snapped, I should never have let it get that far and for that I'm sorry" _He clenched his eyes shut as he prepared himself for her response.

_"God, Horatio. I'm the one who should be sorry, I could see the pain you were in and yet I stood by and let this happen. I shouldn't have let you push me away so easily, you needed a friend and I abandoned you. I'm so sorry and I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me" _He opened his eyes in surprise, shocked by her response. _"What is it, Horatio?" _she said as she took in his reaction to her words.

He sat there, staring at her and at a loss for words, whatever he had been expecting to hear it wasn't that. He opened his mouth as if to speak but could not form any words, he closed it again slowly. _"Are you ok, Horatio?" _she asked him softly, squeezing his arm lightly in an effort to rouse him.

Finally he spoke, _"Calleigh. This is my fault, not yours" _he let his gaze drop back down to the table.

_"No" s_he told him fiercely, _"Not this time. You're not pushing me away again. I won't let you" _She gripped his arm tighter.

_"I should be able to deal with my problems on my own, it's not my place to burden you with them" _he responded quietly still avoiding her eyes.

_"This is my choice, Horatio! I want to help you; you can't go through this alone. I won't let you"_

He wanted so much to believe her, he would do anything to melt into her warm embrace, and holding on to her he knew that no matter how hard his turbulent emotions battered him that he would weather the storm with her by his side. He gently took her hand off of his arm and raised himself from his chair, _"Believe me Calleigh, you don't want any part of this. Any part of me" _his eyes pleaded with her to see reason, to see how hopeless a cause he was. He was too far gone to be saved; he didn't deserve this angel by his side. Maybe this was God's way of telling him that he was in perpetual purgatory, by torturing him with her wonderful presence, she was so near yet so far away from him.

_"I want to help you" s_he repeated, rising from her chair now. _"Just let me help you, what are you so afraid of?"_

His reaction caught her by surprise, he swung his arm out violently and swept the dishes from the dining table, sending them crashing to the floor. Calleigh could not help the shocked gasp that escaped from her lips. _"I'm not afraid!" _he bellowed, his voice making her jump. He took a deep breath to try to control his emotions; he physically shook as he forced himself to calm down. _"Can't you see that I'm beyond help?" _their gazes met, all Calleigh saw was the profound sorrow in his eyes. He took another deep breath, _"This is not something you want to get involved in, Calleigh. You'll end up getting hurt; I would never forgive myself if that happened"_

_ "I don't care" s_he said, with more conviction than she felt. He looked at her, puzzled. _"I don't care how much you scream and shout. I'm not leaving you. I'm not scared of you"_

Calleigh could not mistake the pained expression that crossed his face, _"Please, I couldn't live with myself if you were frightened of me"_

She walked over to him and drew him into her warm embrace, _"I'm not. Nothing you could ever do would change the way I feel about you"_ Even though tears were running down her facea small smile crossed her lips when his arms slowly wrapped themselves around her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks again for all of the great reviews, it really does mean a lot to me :)**

**Here's the next chapter for you, there is still plenty of DuCaine goodness to come...**

He sighed softly as he held her, God it felt good to feel the comforting embrace of another person. He hadn't realised how much he had missed the simple pleasure of physical contact with someone else. He realised then how much he had been denying himself, for the first time in what seemed like forever he felt at peace. His tranquillity was disturbed by the voice in his head, telling him that he was fooling himself if he thought he meant anything to the woman in his arms, he willed himself to ignore it but every time he did the voice got louder. _"I'm sorry" _he said as he broke away from her, moving to the other side of the room, _"I can't do this" _he told her.

_"Can't do what, hug your friend?" _she countered, her hands on her hips.

He ran a hand over his face, _"This isn't right"_

_ "What isn't? I don't understand, Horatio. What is it that's holding you back?"_

_ "I don't deserve this" _he told her, his voice barely a whisper.

_"Don't deserve what?"_

_ "Your compassion. Your understanding. I don't deserve it, I'm meant to be alone"_

She walked over to where he was and stood in front of him, _"Says who?"_

_ "Please, don't make this any harder than it already is" _he begged her, screwing his eyes shut.

_"I'm not going anywhere" s_he told him, trying to soften her tone to soothe him. She watched him as his body shook as he tried to fight the emotions warring inside of him.

_"This isn't right" _he repeated again as if forcing himself to believe it.

_"Let me in, Horatio"_

He fought with himself, caught in two minds as to whether to let his walls crumble and admit defeat or run away from her so that he could re-shore his defences and put her at arms-length again. In normal circumstances the choice would have been simple but the last few days had wrung him out emotionally, he was physically and mentally exhausted. It would be so easy to let go now, let go of all of the anger and bitterness and accept the comfort and love that was on offer. He wanted desperately to let her in; he needed her more than ever. He needed them all more than ever but he couldn't get past his fear that they would somehow see him as weak and a lesser man for admitting to his flaws. Finally he spoke, _"I want to. I just don't know how"_

_ "I have an idea" s_he said as she grabbed her purse from the counter and took her car keys out. _"Let's get out of this place and go for a drive" _He hesitated at first but eventually followed her out of the front door, they walked to the car in silence and got in.

_"Where are we going?" _he asked her, buckling his seatbelt as she started the engine and drove down the driveway and onto the road.

_"There's a little place I know, every time things get too much for me I go up there to get away and think about things" s_he told him, glancing at him every so often whilst trying to keep her eyes on the road. They drove in silence until Calleigh spoke once more, _"I wonder what's happening at the lab" _she said, picking a random topic for the sake of breaking the uncomfortable silence.

_"I wouldn't know Calleigh, you and Alex won't let me back there" _he growled, keeping his gaze dead ahead.

She flinched slightly at his aggressive tone but let it slide, _"Do you think I should call them and check that everything is ok? I mean, it's not like they knew we'd be two CSI's down this week"_

_ "Do whatever you want" _he sighed rubbing a weary hand across his face. He turned to her and gave her a dirty look, _"You know, as a therapist you make a very good CSI"_

She huffed slightly at that, _"Look. I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to things like this. I'm kind of making it up as I go along, I'm sorry if I'm making things worse" _She pulled over to the hard shoulder and stopped the engine, _"Maybe this was a mistake. I'll turn around and take you back"_

He placed a hand on her arm to stop her as she reached for the keys in the ignition, _"Calleigh, wait" _he said, taking a deep breath he continued. _"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for, I'm not at my best at the moment" _he looked at her shyly and gave her a weak smile.

She returned his smile with a small one of her own, _"We're only a few miles away now, shall we keep going?" _she looked at him hopefully and was relieved when he nodded his head for her to continue. Calleigh turned off the highway and drove up a steep gravel track, the higher they went the narrower the road became. Horatio turned his head to look out of the passenger side window, marvelling at the scenery below. Eventually they came to a stop, Calleigh killed the engine and turned to Horatio, _"We're here" _she told him, smiling.

He continued to gaze out of the window, _"What is this place?" _he asked her, taking in the view of the beaches and coast below them.

_"This is my hiding place; I discovered it a few years ago. It has some fantastic views of the coast. I like it up here, it's peaceful" _She exited the car and motioned for Horatio to follow her. He walked with her to a grassy area that was shaded by trees, she patted the ground next to her as she sat down.

He awkwardly lowered himself to the ground and sat with his arms resting on his knees, he watched the tall grass between his legs move with the wind. He grabbed a blade of grass and pulled it from the ground and began to fiddle with it. They sat in silence for a number of minutes before he spoke, _"It's beautiful, Calleigh. Why have you brought me here?"_

_ "Because this is where I find peace" s_he told him as she turned her head to look at him hopefully. _"I know that things are difficult at the moment, Horatio. I was hoping that maybe you would find some peace here too" _

_ "I wish I could" _he told her honestly, _"But, I think it's too late for me" _He continued to fiddle with the grass and once more avoided her gaze. _"Too much has happened. I can't take back the things I did. Believe me, I wish I could"_

_ "I don't understand. What have you done that is so wrong?" s_he asked him, trying to understand.

He closed his eyes, _"Too many things. I'm not the man you think I am" _Still he avoided her gaze.

_"You're exactly the man I think you are. I just wish you'd see it too"_

He laughed slightly at that, _"Have you been taking lessons from Jeff?"_

_ "Horatio, please talk to me. Tell me how you're feeling" s_he pleaded with him, trying once more to get through to him.

_"I've done things, Calleigh. Bad things"_

_ "Like what?"_

_ "Believe me, you don't want to know" _he told her quietly. She did not know what to say to that and so they sat in silence once again. His voice made her jump when he eventually spoke, _"See those children down there?" _he asked her, pointing down to the beach, she nodded her head. _"They look so happy, so carefree. I have no idea what that feels like" _he told her.

_"Finally" _she thought to herself, this was the first sign of opening up that he had given her since this whole ordeal started. _"Things were tough at home?" s_he asked him, praying that he would not clam up again.

_"Tough" _he repeated as if contemplating it's meaning, _"Things were difficult…I never knew what kind of mood my father would return home in. Some days he was too drunk to care what we were doing and others he came storming back in the house so full of rage….." _his words trailed off and he closed his eyes as the memories assaulted him again.

_"Was he violent?" _her voice shook as she asked him.

He took a few moments before he answered, _"Yes" w_as the simple reply.

_"What did he do to you?" _she asked tentatively, not sure that she wanted to know the answer. _"Is that how you got the scars?"_

He winced at her words but willed himself to be honest with her, _"Yes"_ The images of his father beating him and his mother in a drunken rage flew through his mind. _"I know you've seen them" _he said his voice barely a whisper, _"I'm sorry if they made you feel uncomfortable" _he avoided her gaze and fiddled with the blade of grass in his hands.

He was taken by surprise when she reached over for the arm that was closest to her; she gently undid the cuff of his shirt and moved the fabric up his arm so that she could see the bare skin underneath. _"What are you doing?" _he asked slightly panicked as he tried to pull his arm away from her.

She held his arm firmly and ran her fingers gently over the roughened skin that served as a reminder to Horatio of his violent father. She looked him in the eyes, _"You don't need to be ashamed, Horatio. You don't need to hide your scars from me"_

He continued to try to remove his arm from her grip but she held him firmly, _"They're ugly" _he told her.

_"No. They're reminders that you're a survivor. I don't look at them and see something to be frightened of; I see the markings on a man who has fought for everything he has"_

_ "I'm not a survivor. I'm a failure" _he replied despondently, _"When I look at them I see all of my failures, the people I could have saved. They remind me that I should be alone, it's safer for everyone that way"_


	16. Chapter 16

**Here's the next chapter for you, heavy on the angst and on the DuCaine. I hope you enjoy...**

Before Calleigh could respond her phone rang, she reluctantly let go of his arm and fished around in her purse for her cell phone. _"Hello?"_

_ "Hey sweetie, It's Alex" _

_"Is everything ok?" _

_ "Sure, sugar. I was just wondering what you and Horatio are doing tonight"_

She glanced over at him; he had rolled his sleeve back down and returned his gaze to the children playing on the beach. _"Um, I don't think we have any plans. Why?"_

_ "Good. I was hoping you could convince Horatio to come with you to my house tonight for dinner" _

She hesitated, unsure of how Horatio would react. He had only just started talking to her and opening up and she worried that having too many people around him too soon would only set him back further. She paused before answering, _"To hell with it" _she thought, _"Maybe spending time with different people would do him some good" _Calleigh finally replied, _"Sure, that would be great, Alex. We'll see you about 7pm?"_

_ "Looking forward to it, sugar" _the doctor replied.

He turned to look at her as she was putting her phone back in her purse, _"Who was that?" _he asked her warily, aware that she had said 'we' instead of 'I' to whoever she was talking to.

_"It was Alex, she's invited us over to dinner tonight" s_he braced herself for his reaction.

He swallowed nervously, _"I don't think that's a good idea, Calleigh" _he told her, he was tired and an emotional wreck at the moment, the last thing he needed was more people staring at him and pitying him.

_"Maybe it would do you some good, to get out of the house for a bit" _she prodded gently, trying to convince him.

_"I don't think so, Calleigh. Look at me, I hardly look like the ideal dinner guest at the moment" _he replied as he gestured to his beaten hands and face.

_"It'll just be Alex and her family. Please Horatio, for me?" _she looked at him with watery eyes that were pleading for him to say yes.

He twiddled the grass nervously in his hands and Calleigh couldn't help but notice the small shake coursing through them. He deliberated in his mind what to do, torn between his need to run away and isolate himself and his desperate need for peace and contentment with those he held dear. _"Ok" _he said quietly, _"Just don't expect me to me the life and soul of the party"_

She beamed at him, overjoyed that he had agreed to join them. _"If it gets too much, I promise we will come straight home" _He nodded his head but did not reply, the voices inside his head telling him that he had just made a big mistake.

For the first time in days they sat in a comfortable silence on top of the grassy hill, both of them watching the people down below on the beach. Calleigh was disturbed from her reverie but Horatio's deep voice, _"I envy those children down there. Their innocence" _she turned to look at him but did not say anything, he felt compelled to continue. _"They have no idea how simple and easy their life is at the moment" _he trailed off.

_"You can tell me anything, you know that"_

He closed his eyes, how he wished that he could just let it all out and tell her everything. _"I'm tired, Calleigh" _he told her honestly.

She mistook his meaning, _"I can take you home. You can have a rest before we go to Alex's" _she began looking in her purse for her car keys.

_"That's not what I mean" _he said, turning his head to look at her and then back towards the beach below. _"I'm so tired of everything. I used to know what I was fighting for, now it all just seems so meaningless"_

_ "You fight because that is who you are, Horatio"_

_ "That's the point, Calleigh. I have no idea who I am anymore" _

She realised that she had no answer to his statement; nothing she could say would make his situation any easier. She was prevented from answering him when he spoke once more, _"I've lost everything. What's the point in fighting when you've got nothing to come home to?"_

Her heart broke at his rhetorical question; it slowly dawned on her why he was feeling so defeated. He had lost so many people in his life, his family, his friends. She had known that he had begun to isolate himself from everyone not long after Marisol died, it was the final straw for him, he had lost the person closest to him purely because of who he was. She could see now why he pushed those he loved away, he was terrified that they would be next. She had known him for over ten years, she remembered the way they used to laugh and joke in the beginning and she realised that the man sitting next to her now was nothing like the man she met in New Orleans all those years ago. Time and tragedy and had chipped away at his steely resolve until there was nothing left but the shell of the man she used to know. She admonished herself for letting things get this far, she had stood back and watched him suffer for too long, she told herself that no matter how he tried to push her away or distance himself from her that she would never let him fall so hard again.

_ "I saw her, you know" _he said, his voice full of sorrow and barely a whisper.

She wasn't sure she trusted her voice to remain steady, _"Who?"_

_ "Marisol" _he replied, closing his eyes and picturing her sweet face. _"After Randy North" _he tried to explain, _"I remember her coming to me, she told me I couldn't stay with her, that I had to go back. She left me standing there" _he said, his voice cracking and his eyes barely holding back the tears. _"She told me that my work wasn't done yet. Why, Calleigh? Why couldn't I stay with her? Haven't I done enough already?"_

She couldn't say anything, suddenly it became clear why he had been acting so out of character since the shooting. He had nearly died and had been hallucinating about his fallen wife, how cruel could life be to torture him with the one thing he couldn't have?

He ripped the blade of grass in his hands to pieces, _"When is it going to be enough?" _he asked her, starting to become angry. _"Haven't I given enough? I'm so sick of all of this!"_

_ "Horatio, it's ok" s_he told him, trying to calm him down.

_"No it's not ok!" _he shouted, _"None of this is ok. I've lost everything and for what? Nothing, that's what!" _He clenched his bandaged hands into fists, wishing he had something he could take his anger out on. _"I've given everything Calleigh and it's never enough" _He took a deep breath and tried to get his emotions under control, _"I've had enough" _he told her despondently, hanging his head in defeat.

She was terrified, she had never seen him look so beaten. He had driven himself into the ground and had absolutely nothing left to give, his world had fallen apart completely and she had no idea how to help him rebuild it. _"I know it seems hopeless at the moment but things will get better, Horatio"_

He turned his head to look at her, _"And when will that be, Calleigh? How much longer does this have to go on for?"_

_ "I don't know" s_he replied honestly, _"But I know that I will never let you go through it alone again"_

_ "I've had enough" _he said some moments later, his voice barely audible. She could see small shakes start to course through his body and realised that he was crying although he was trying his best to hide it from her. She got up from where she was sitting and kneeled down in front of him, she took him into her arms and held him close as the tears rolled freely now. She was crying too but took a small amount of comfort from the fact that he was letting go of some of the pain that he had hidden from the world for far too long. She held him and rubbed soothing circles with her hands on his back, he gripped her tightly as the tears flowed, now that the floodgates were open he could no longer hold back the emotions that he had forced down for so many years.

She clung to him, trying to anchor him in his time of need. She had pleaded with him to open up and talk to her and finally he had relented, he had poured his heart out to her and she would do everything in her power to help rebuild his shattered life. The tears rolled down her face too but she paid them no attention, her focus was on the man in her arms who needed her now more than ever. His tears didn't seem to show any signs of stopping and she momentarily worried that she had pushed him too far, at first the tears were those of anger but they soon turned to tears of sorrow as he grieved for the ones that he had loved and lost. Tears that he had denied himself for too long, now that they had found an outlet he was unable to stop them from flowing. He cried for his mother and brother, Speed, Jesse and Marisol, he cried for the childhood he lost and the guilt of killing his own father. He cried for all of the times fate had dealt him a cruel hand, he cried for the cold and lonely place his life had become.

All through this Calleigh held firm, she refused to let go of him and wished that she could absorb his pain and take it from him. He had suffered alone in silence for too long, she only hoped that once he regained his composure that the pain he had been carrying for so much of his life had been lessened slightly.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for the wonderful reviews for the last chapter, I'm overwhelmed that it was received so well. I am posting this early today as work beckons this afternoon :-(**

They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, their bodies locked together. Finally Horatio pulled away and broke the contact between them, his eyes were red and swollen as he rubbed at them trying to wipe away the evidence of his tears. He looked at her briefly before returning his gaze to the ground, _"I'm sorry" _he told her quietly, _"I shouldn't have done that"_

_"Don't ever apologise, Horatio. You needed to let that out. Do you feel a bit better now?"_

He took his time considering her answer, _"A bit" _His answer even took him by surprise, his father had always told him that crying was a sign of weakness and yet he felt strangely more peaceful for letting his emotions come to the surface. It had been traumatic and exhausting but he felt the weight of his burden had lifted slightly, he certainly wasn't in the mood for swinging from the chandeliers but he also didn't feel quite as despondent as he had before.

Calleigh stood up and bent down to pick collect her purse, _"We better head back and get ready for dinner" s_he said as she offered a hand to him to stand. She smiled when he took her hand and gripped it tightly, taking encouragement from the fact that there seemed to be more strength in him than there had been in days.

The trip back to Calleigh's house had been silent but she took hope from the fact that it had been a comfortable silence. She kept stealing glances at Horatio, his head was leant to the side and resting on the window and his eyes were closed. She smiled slightly as she saw the look on his face, it looked more relaxed than it had in a long time, the lines around his eyes seemed smoother. He still looked completely exhausted, he was pale and drawn and his clothes hung loose on his body, she winced slightly as she looked down again at his battered hands. She spent most of the car journey home trying to figure out how to help Horatio put his life back together, she had no idea what she was doing but she knew that today had been a major breakthrough. Now she just had to keep the momentum going.

She pulled up on her driveway and killed the engine; she looked over to Horatio and saw that he was still sleeping peacefully. She debated staying in the hummer and watching him sleep for longer but decided against it, his neck would already be killing him from sleeping at such an awkward angle. She got out of the vehicle as quietly as she could and walked round to the passenger side, opening the door gently she placed a hand on his shoulder and shook him lightly, _"Horatio. We're home" _he groaned slightly in response and looked at her with half-opened eyes. _"Come on, let's get you inside" _He got out of the car and followed her into the house, seemingly on auto-pilot.

She left him standing in the hallway as she called from the kitchen, _"I'm going to make a coffee, would you like one Horatio?" _She poked her head around the door as she saw him nod slightly; he groaned and placed a hand to his head as it protested against the movement. _"Go and make yourself comfortable in the lounge, I'll bring it through" _He did his best to give her a small smile, truth be told he didn't think he had the energy to move his facial muscles anymore, let alone speak. He walked into the lounge and lowered himself to the couch; he leaned back and closed his eyes, telling himself that he would rest only for a few minutes.

Calleigh was in the kitchen, rifling through her cupboards and looking for an item that she knew Horatio had a weakness for. She moved boxes, tins and jars out of the way until she found what she was looking for. Tearing the cellophane off, she placed two double-chocolate muffins on the tray along with the two steaming cups of coffee. _"I've found something you might like" _she told him teasingly as she walked through the hallway. The smile on her face disappeared when he did not respond to her, her heart raced as her mind conjured all sorts of horrific scenarios. _"Horatio?" _she said tentatively making her way into the lounge. Relief flooded her when she took in the sight of him, he laid low on the couch, his head resting against the back rest and his long legs stretched out touching the floor. It wasn't an ideal resting place but Calleigh decided that he looked peaceful enough. Walking to the other side of the room she picked up the hand-made throw that her mother had given her and gently placed it over his slumbering body. He twitched and groaned slightly as she tucked the ends around his shoulders but did not wake. She picked up her coffee and muffin and sat herself in the armchair opposite him; contentedly watching him sleep.

* * *

Time passed quickly and before Calleigh realised it the clock had struck 5pm, she could have stayed watching him sleep all night but she had made a promise to Alex that they would join her for dinner. She walked over to Horatio and placed a light kiss on his cheek; he mumbled incoherently and began to open his eyes. She moved back quickly from him as she the realisation of what she had just done sunk in. He didn't appear to have noticed her indiscretion or if he did he showed no signs of it, Calleigh thought to herself. She plastered a smile on her face and tried to act normally, _"I'm sorry to wake you, Horatio" _she said as she distracted herself by collecting the cups and plates from the coffee table, _"We need to get ready for tonight" _He looked at her puzzled, _"We're going to Alex's, remember?"_

The mental fog cleared and he remembered Calleigh's earlier conversation with the doctor, he also remembered crying like a baby in her arms this afternoon. _"Yes. Right" _he said as he removed the through and got up from the couch as quickly as his exhausted body would let him. He wavered slightly as a wave of dizziness hit him; Calleigh reached out a hand to steady him but retracted it when she saw the look on his face. His emotional barriers were coming back down; she saw it in his eyes and could not hide the look of hurt from her face. He was about to leave the room when he stopped and turned in the doorway, he felt that he needed to explain himself and to apologise. _"Calleigh, about this afternoon" _he began, she tried to interject but he raised a hand to stop her. _"I'm sorry for what happened. You shouldn't have had to see that. If I upset you, I'm sorry" _

_"You have nothing to apologise for" _she began before her interrupted her.

_"You shouldn't have had to see that. Me crying like a baby" _he spat the last few words out, clearly disgusted with himself for showing such weakness in front of her. She must have thought he was pathetic for snivelling like a small child on her shoulder.

_"Horatio. You needed to let it out. I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me"_

He winced as he heard her words, comfortable he most certainly was not. _"It shouldn't have happened. It won't happen again" _He turned to leave the room but was stopped by Calleigh's firm grip on his arm. His eyes met hers and he looked at her questioningly.

_"Stop running away" _she told him firmly, tightening her grip on his arm as he tried to pull away from her. _"You have to let somebody in" _she pleaded with him.

After a couple of attempts he successfully managed to free himself from her grip, _"I don't have to let anybody do anything" _he said dangerously, his voice a low growl. She had seen him at his most vulnerable and it had unnerved him deeply, fear and panic began to set in, he felt like a cornered animal. His first instinct was to lash out and run away, distance himself from the impending danger that he knew would occur if he let her get any closer to him emotionally. _"You need to back off, Calleigh" _he told her warningly whilst trying to extend the physical distance between them.

Later she would look back on the incident and realise how foolhardy her actions were, cornering an already emotionally unstable man who could easily kill another person with his bare hands. Her brain refused to engage and so she let her heart take control. She closed the gap between them and gripped his face in both of her hands tightly, only feeling the slightest pang of guilt as he winced at the pressure on his head. She leaned in close, his face mere inches from her as she spoke firmly to him. _"When will you get it in your head? I'm not going anywhere" _he screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to look at her. _"It doesn't matter where you run to, I'll follow you. I'm not going to let you go through this alone so stop trying to push me away" _He willed himself not to look at her, she gripped him even tighter and commanded him to open his eyes. _"Look at me" _she told him, _"Open your eyes and look at me, Horatio"_

He could feel his body betraying him; his mind was screaming at him to keep his eyes closed. He knew that as soon as he opened them and looked into her emerald eyes that he would no longer be able to hide from her. He knew that if he opened his eyes that he would be giving her permission to see him for what he really was. He knew that she would run away and leave him just like the others had when she finally saw the _real_ Horatio. He knew all of this yet could not help himself when his mind finally lost the battle with his body. He opened his eyes and looked at her; he knew that in that moment he was lost. It would only be a matter of time before he lost her too, yet he could do nothing but let himself fall into her arms anyway. Even if he knew it was wrong.


	18. Chapter 18

**Here's the next part, I may have taken a few liberties with the names of Alex's children and their ages so you'll need to allow for a little artistic license...**

_"Are you ready, Horatio?" _Calleigh called from the bottom of the stairs, it was nearing 6.30pm and they would be due at Alex's house soon. When he didn't answer she tried again, _"Horatio. Are you ok up there?" _She knew it was a stupid question, he was far from ok but he had opened up to her somewhat today and she took it as a positive sign that together they would come through this ordeal.

She made her way upstairs and knocked on the door to his room, when he didn't answer she let herself in. She found him sitting on the bed, he had shaved and showered and was wearing black trousers and the dark green shirt that she had always loved to see him in. She walked silently across the room and sat down next to him. _"Hey" s_he said softly as he turned his head to look at her, _"You ready to go?" _She gave him a small smile of encouragement.

_"Not really" _he answered honestly, fiddling with the glass figurine he had paid so much attention to yesterday. He took a deep breath, _"Calleigh, I'm not sure this is such a good idea"_

She placed a reassuring hand on his knee and squeezed lightly, _"It'll be fine. I promise you. If things get too much then we'll leave, no questions asked. Alex will understand" _She got up from the bed and held her hand out to him; he looked at her for a moment before taking it and pulling himself up. _"Don't forget to tuck your shirt in" s_he smiled as he straightened himself out. _"Ready?"_

He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, it was now or never. _"As I'll ever be" _he answered as he followed her from the room.

* * *

Not much was said on the drive over to Alex's house, Calleigh could tell that Horatio was desperately uncomfortable; she could tell by the way he fidgeted in his seat. Horatio meanwhile wished that he had something in his hands to fiddle with; at least it would distract him from the ordeal that was to come. _"We're here" _Calleigh said as she turned the engine off, he showed no signs of hearing her. _"Horatio" s_he tried again, louder this time, finally he looked at her. _"We're here, let's go inside" _she smiled encouragingly at her and he tried to raise a weak smile in response.

His heart was pounding as he exited from the Hummer; he knew he looked a mess. What would Henry and the kids think when they saw him? It was bad enough that Calleigh and Alex had seen how badly he embarrassed himself; it would only make him feel worse the more people that knew. He stood on the driveway not moving, _"Horatio, are you alright?" _Calleigh asked, realising that he had stopped a few paces behind her. He looked at her like a man being taken to his execution, _"Take a deep breath. It'll be fine" s_he tried to reassure him.

Calleigh rang the doorbell and smiled brightly as Alex opened the door, _"Calleigh, Horatio. You made it!" _the doctor beamed as she saw her two friends standing in the doorway. She glanced over to Horatio and saw him stand side on, looking away into the distance, _"Horatio, honey. Thanks for coming" s_he said as she walked out and placed a hand on his arm, he glanced at her briefly and then followed the women into the house.

_"Would you like something to drink?" _Alex asked as she led them through into the kitchen.

_"Do you have any wine?" _Calleigh asked, needing something substantial to calm her ragged nerves.

Alex looked at her and raised an eyebrow, _"Girl. Is the Pope Catholic?" _she said as she reached into the cupboard and brought down two wine glasses. _"What about you, Horatio?" _she asked as she turned to look at him.

He didn't appear to have heard her; he was standing side on again, his eyes darting around the room. _"Horatio?" s_he asked again, this time louder, _"Did you hear me?"_

He turned to Alex and attempted to gather his composure, _"Water will be fine. Thank you, Alex" _She gave him a worried look as he returned to avoiding her gaze, she could tell that he was in two minds as to whether to flee the house but took hope in the fact that he had not yet bolted for the door.

_"Uncle Horatio!" _a small child shouted as he came running into the room, he wrapped his arms around the red head's waist and squeezed him tightly. _"Where have you been? Brian and I have missed you so much!"_

The speed at which Alex's son had run to him caught him by surprise, it took him a few moments to register that David had clung on to him. It felt good to be held in a loving embrace, his thoughts darkened when he realised that he had never had family and friends around to care for him when he was the boy's age. Slowly his body relaxed and he placed a hand on David's head and stroked it gently, _"I'm sorry. I've been meaning to visit it for a while" _he told the child remorsefully, feeling guilty that he had let yet another person down.

The child looked up at him, his eyes full of love. He didn't seem to notice the state Horatio was in physically or if he did he didn't seem to care. _"Will you come up to my room Horatio? Brian and I have some things we want to show you"_

He saw the pleading look in the child's eyes; he wished he could shake the negative feelings from his mind. He felt as if he were being torn in two, one half of him wanting to reach out and take the love and compassion that was on offer and the other that wanted to run away, hide and shut himself away from those around him. He was distracted from his thoughts as David tugged on his bandaged hand, he winced slightly as his broken fingers protested at the movement but it served to bring him back to the present. _"Sorry, David. What were you saying?"_

The child rolled his eyes and attempted to drag Horatio from the room, he glanced back briefly at the women before following David upstairs to his room. _"How's he been, sugar?" _Alex asked gently, taking her wine glass and sitting at the kitchen table. The dinner was cooking on the stove and smelled delicious.

Calleigh joined her at the table, _"Better today. I think" s_he said as she ran a hand through her long blonde hair. _"We've done quite a lot of talking. I think Jeff is starting to get through to him too"_

_ "That's good" _the doctor said reassuringly, _"At least he's talking to you now"_

Calleigh let out a tired sigh, _"It's so hard. One minute he opens up and lets me in and then the next he goes back to shutting himself off again. It's so hard to know where I stand with him"_

_ "I know, sugar. Horatio's not exactly used to talking about how he feels; this is all new to him. He's a proud man, Calleigh. He doesn't like admitting that he can't handle this on his own"_

She looked at the doctor as she took a gulp of her wine, _"I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, Alex. I don't know if I'm making things worse or better" _She looked at her friend for answers.

_"You got him here, honey. That's more than I would have expected based on the last time I saw him" s_he placed a reassuring hand on Calleigh's arm, _"You're  
doing well, keep at it"_

_ "What if it's not enough, Alex? What are we going to do then?"_

_ "Just keep doing what you're doing, Calleigh. Trust me, it may not seem like it at the moment but you're making more of a difference than you realise"_


	19. Chapter 19

**Some of you may have noticed that I have given Alex's daughter a sex change and turned her in to a boy. I hope it doesn't detract from the overall story...**

At 8pm they sat down to dinner in the kitchen, after spending time with the boys Horatio had returned to the room and took his place at the table. He felt more than a little awkward when Henry had returned home from work a short while ago, he stood to greet the other man but deliberately avoided his gaze. He was taken by surprise when Henry walked up to him and patted him on the shoulder, _"It's good to see you Horatio. It's been too long" _before making his way upstairs to get changed.

Horatio had enjoyed spending time with Alex's children and realised that he had missed them more than he thought, he was feeling a little better about himself until the voice in his head piped up that he had missed most of his own son's childhood. He willed the voices to stop hounding him, every time he thought he was making progress and coming to terms with things they would taunt him and bring him back to the hard and cold reality that his life was one failure after the other.

Alex noticed that Horatio had been pushing the food around his plate, seemingly lost in thought. _"Horatio, how's your dinner?" _

He looked up at her slightly shocked and a little embarrassed to be caught daydreaming in front of a room full of people. He made an effort to smile and lifted the fork to his mouth, _"It's delicious, thank you" _He still wasn't feeling particularly hungry but he forced himself to eat as much as he could, after all Alex had gone to the effort of cooking him a meal, the least he could do was try to be grateful for it.

Everyone seemed to be laughing and smiling around the dinner table, chatting between themselves. Everyone except Horatio, he listened in to their conversations and gave a weak smile or nodded his head when someone asked him something. He felt so out of place, he was used to eating dinner by himself or as with the last few months not at all. These people were happy, surrounded by people who loved them and cared for them, he had no right to be here, he told himself. All he would do was hurt them and let them down, he wished that he could make his excuses and leave but knew it would be futile; he had no keys, phone or money on him. He would probably just ended up walking the streets, _"Probably the best place for you, old man" _the voice in his head taunted him, _"You think they'll really miss you when you're gone? Look at Calleigh, all your ever do is make her sad" _He glanced over at the beautiful blonde woman who had tried so hard to help him, he knew the voice in his head was right, she was desperately sad. She tried to hide it but he could see it in her eyes, she was miserable and it was all his fault.

_"Horatio, would you like some desert?" _Alex asked, pulling him away from his dark thoughts. He raised his head to look at her; it took a few moments for her question to register in his brain. He shook his head slightly, _"I'm not really hungry. Sorry, Alex" _he gave her a sheepish smile and hoped that she wouldn't try to badger him in to eating anything else, he was feeling nauseous enough as it was, the loathing and fear doing nothing to settle his stomach.

More wine was poured and desert was consumed as Horatio looked on, he fiddled with his glass as he watched the boys laughing and playfully hitting each other whilst the women and Henry were engaged in a heated debate about the latest college football game. He would have given anything to be able to join in, to smile and laugh as if he didn't have a care in the world. He felt like a fraud sitting at this table, he didn't belong here. He was meant to be alone, that was the only way that he knew he could keep them all safe. One by one they would suffer for their folly, because of him.

_"Uncle H" _Brian tugged on the redhead's sleeve as he tried to get his attention. _"Uncle H" _he tried again, a little louder and with a little more force on his sleeve. Slowly Horatio turned to look at him, _"You wanna come outside and shoot some hoops with me and David?" _the teenage boy looked at him hopefully.

Horatio glanced down at his bandaged hands, _"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Brian" _he said quietly, his cheeks reddening with shame at what he had done to himself. _"Maybe another time?" _he told the boy, hoping he would take no for an answer.

Brian was insistent, _"Come on H, please?" _he pleaded as he kept hold of Horatio's sleeve. _"I wanna try out for the school basketball team, try-outs are next week and I need to practice"_

_ "I'm sure your dad is more than capable of helping you out, Brian" _he patiently replied, hoping the other man would interject and help him out.

_"Please" _the boy replied disdainfully, _"Dad's useless at shooting hoops. You're the best player I know; I wanna be as good as you. Please?" _Brian gave Horatio his best puppy dog eyes, trying to convince him to get up and follow him out to the back yard.

Horatio realised that all conversations around the dinner table had stopped, everyone was looking at him and he suddenly felt deeply uncomfortable. The children were looking at him hopefully whilst the adults were giving him questioning looks. Suddenly, bolting for the back door and getting away from all of their stares seemed like a very good idea. _"Ok, Brian. I'm not sure how good I'll be" _he said as he motioned to his bandaged hands, _"Show me what you've got and we'll see what we can do" _He stood up and straightened himself before following the boys to the back garden.

Calleigh helped Alex clear the dishes as they watched Horatio showing Brian how to shoot a three-pointer in the back yard. _"He's so good with kids, I just wish he'd realise that" _Alex said as she passed a freshly washed plate to Calleigh to dry.

_"He's good with everyone, Alex" _Calliegh replied, _"He's got himself so depressed that he can't see straight at the moment. He thinks everyone hates him and that we'd be better off without him"_

Alex almost dropped the plate she was holding as her eyes widened in shock, _"You can't be serious!" s_he exclaimed, her shock soon turned to anger. _"If he didn't already have a concussion I'd smack that stubborn, pig-headed fool upside the head!" _She took a few moments to compose herself before continuing, _"For an intelligent man he can be such an idiot at times"_

Calliegh took the plate from Alex and began drying it, _"Believe me Alex, I know. He just won't see reason, for every answer we give him he'll think up another argument against it"_

_ "Honey, it doesn't matter how many times we tell him, he's going to have to figure it out for himself"_

_ "I just wish I could help him, Alex" _Calleigh admitted tearfully, unable to hold back her sorrow any longer. _"He's done so much for me and there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. I feel so useless"_

Alex dried her hands and enveloped her friend into a reassuring hug; she placed her chin on top of Calleigh's head as she glanced out the window. She saw the smiles on her children's faces and silently hoped that Horatio would soon realise how much he was loved and cared for too.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks again for all of the great reviews, there is still plenty more to come...**

When the dishes were done Calleigh and Alex returned to the dining table and shared another glass of wine, they chatted comfortably about what was going on in their lives but inevitably the conversation turned back to Horatio. _"The boys have missed him" _Alex said softly as she took another sip of her drink. _"I've missed him too" _she added as she looked at Calleigh sadly. _"I feel so guilty, letting things slide. I should have been a better friend and kept an eye on him"_

Calleigh reached out and placed a hand on her friends forearm and squeezed it gently, _"We all should have been a better friend to him. We're all guilty of letting him down"_

_ "Sugar, we need to make a promise here and now that we'll never let anything like this happen to him again. Deal?" _

Calleigh nodded her head in agreement, _"Deal"_

Hearing a shout both women turned their gaze to the back yard; Brian and David were jumping around in excitement. Calleigh's heart warmed to see the genuine smile on Horatio's face as he watched the boys do their celebratory laps of the garden, his smile faded as he caught the two women watching him from the window. He spoke to the boys and then came back in to the kitchen; he looked down at the floor as he spoke, _"Sorry about the noise, I was showing the boys an old trick"_

Alex walked up to him, _"You don't need to apologise, sugar. Looks like you and the boys were having fun. How'd the hands hold up?" _she asked as she lifted them up to the light to get a better look at them.

He tried to gently pull his hands away but stopped when he saw the look on the doctor's face. _"They're fine, Alex" _She gave him a wary look and turned his hands so the palms were face-up.

_"Well, the bandages have got all dirty now. I'm going to change them just to be safe" _Horatio tried to argue and tell his friend that it wouldn't be necessary but she had already walked out of the room and returned with a handful of dressings. _"Sit" s_he commanded firmly. He sighed and made his way to the nearest chair and lowered himself down on to it, Alex slowly went about unwinding the soiled bandages so that she could get a better look at how his hands were healing. She was glad to see that some of the swelling on the knuckles had gone down and that the bruises were not as vivid and purple as Friday night. She gently manipulated his fingers and was happy with how they were healing; she silently went about re-bandaging his hands before securing them with medical tape. _"A few more days and we might be able to get rid of the bandages completely" _she told him as she tidied the surplus dressings away. He nodded his head slightly but did not reply. Alex didn't miss his hand grabbing the table for support as a wave of dizziness went through him. _"Let me check your head, sugar" _she said as she walked over to the other side of the room to retrieve a penlight.

He was going to tell her not to fuss and that he was fine but she had already shone the light in his eyes before he even had time to object. He sighed heavily as he followed her instructions and followed the light with his eyes. _"I told you Alex, I'm fine" _he told her, starting to get annoyed with her hovering over him. _"I'm probably just tired"_

_ "Probably" s_he said, agreeing with him. _"That and the fact that you've hardly ate a decent meal in God knows how long" _He had the good grace to look sheepish at her last remark, it was true that he hadn't really been eating properly for a while now. He wasn't sure whether it was the concussion supressing his appetite or the fact that he couldn't really be bothered looking after himself.

_"Calleigh, would you take him home please and make sure he gets a good night's rest?" _the doctor asked, her tone signalling that it was more of an instruction than a request. Calleigh nodded her head and grabbed her purse from the counter.

Horatio stood up and gave himself a few moments so that a wave of dizziness could clear before her tried to move. _"Ready when you are" _he mumbled, looking at the ground.

Alex called the boys in from the back yard and told them that their guests were leaving; the boys gave Horatio a big hug. _"Come back soon, Uncle H" _Brian told him sincerely, he gave the boy a small smile and nod of the head.

They made their way to the hallway where Henry once more clasped a hand on the other man's shoulder. _"Don't leave it so long next time" _Henry said as he gave him a warm smile.

Calleigh gave Alex and her family a kiss goodnight before meeting Horatio on the doorstep, she could tell that he seemed anxious to get away as he virtually bolted for the Hummer as soon as the front door closed. They got in the vehicle and buckled up before Calleigh turned to speak to her passenger, _"That was a good night, don't you think?"_

He kept his gaze ahead, willing his eyes to focus on the streetlight at the end of the drive and not on the beautiful blonde woman sitting next to him. _"It was fine" _he replied evasively, wanting nothing more than to get back to Calleigh's house and go to bed.

The conversation died out, Calleigh started the Hummer and made her way back on to the main road to return to her house. _"The boys loved seeing you, they really missed you" _she told him, trying to get him to see how many people around him loved and cared for him. He nodded his head slightly but didn't reply. _"Alex misses you too"_

He turned his head at that, _"I've let her down. I should have been in contact more" _he said remorsefully, castigating himself for failing yet another person.

_"That's not what I meant" _Calleigh replied exasperated. _"We've let you down, Horatio. Not the other way around"_

He took a few moments to consider her words; he could have argued the point with her but found that he was too tired to care right now. _"Whatever you say, Calleigh" _his said, his voice barely a whisper as he rubbed tiredly at his eyes.

_"We're here" _Calleigh said as she pulled up her drive, turned off the lights and killed the engine on the Hummer. He let himself out of the vehicle without acknowledging her and made his way to the front door. She sighed inwardly as she made her way over to him and unlocked the door, he motioned for her to enter first and she mentally catalogued that at least he still had his gentlemanly manners about him. She entered the kitchen as he stood in the hallway; _"Would you like a coffee?" s_he called back to him.

He shook his head, _"I think I'm going to call it a night. It's been a long day" _he told her quietly as he removed his shoes and made his way upstairs, closing the door to his room quietly behind him.

* * *

She sat in the kitchen with her coffee and thought over what had happened today, it seemed as if the day had gone on forever but at least she could take some comfort in the fact that she was finally starting to break through some of his emotional barriers. He was still hard work but she could slowly start to see her efforts reaping the rewards, the trick now was to keep the momentum going.

She drained the last of her coffee and glanced up at the clock on the wall, surprised to see it was nearly midnight. She silently patrolled the downstairs to check that everything was safe and secure before making her way upstairs. She stopped outside of his room and when she heard no movement she satisfied herself that he had fallen asleep, she wasn't surprised considering the day he had. She entered her guestroom and changed into her night clothes and prepared herself for bed. Just as she was leaving the bathroom she heard a muffled grunt come from Horatio's room, when she heard it for a second time she knew that she could not ignore it. She had hoped that today's emotional outpourings would have relieved him of some of the demons that plagued him at night but her heart sank when she realised that this was not the case.

She opened the door to his room and found him tangled in his sheets; he had stripped to his boxers and put an old, grey MDPD t-shirt on that Calleigh had packed for him. She could see that he had been sweating by the damp patches on his t-shirt and the hair matted to his forehead, he was moving his head from side to side and mumbling incoherently. Having learnt her lesson from a few nights ago she approached him with caution, calling out to him in an effort to rouse him. Just as she was about to reach a hand out to him he sat bolt upright in bed, his eyes wide open and his breath heaving. He looked around the room in a panic, it took a few minutes for his brain to register that he was in the here and now and no longer stuck in the middle of his nightmare. _"Calleigh" _he breathed her name as he attempted to slow his heart rate to a more normal rhythm. She had no words as she silently pulled his sweat-soaked body to her and held him tightly.


	21. Chapter 21

**Here's the next part for you:**

Calleigh had only had a few hours' sleep by the time the sun had risen; she heard the birds on the beach squawking at each other as they fought over the dying fish left on the sand when the tide went out. She used her free hand to rub her eyes tiredly; she glanced down at the man lying next to her. He had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep a couple of hours ago; he had been restless almost all night. Her heart ached to see him suffer so, it seemed that the emotional turmoil of yesterday had found its way into his dreams too. Was there nowhere that he was safe from his demons? Calleigh silently asked herself when life was going to cut him a break, she was not a particularly religious women but she would have prayed to every deity she knew if it would help to ease his pain.

Sensing movement Horatio let out a low groan and slowly opened his eyes, surprised to find Calleigh lying next to him on the bed. As the fog of sleep lifted he became aware of his predicament, the memories of last night came back at him with a vengeance. He felt exhausted but put it down to the fact that he had barely slept last night; he cursed himself for his weakness for reaching out to Calleigh and accepting her comforting embrace. Each time he woke from a nightmare he was glad to have her wrap him in her arms and promise him that everything would be alright. He knew it wasn't true, how could things ever be alright? Right now he was so tired that he couldn't fight his need to hold her, he had fought for so long. Surely he deserved some peace in his life? _"Who are you kidding?" _the voice in his head asked him snidely. _"Make the most of her, old man. She'll be gone soon enough" _He squeezed his eyes shut and willed the voice to stop.

Calleigh placed a hand on his chest when she saw him tense; experience over the last couple of days had told her that he was currently waging war with the demons in his mind. She would have done anything to make them stop but she knew that she was powerless to do so. _"Horatio, I think its time we got up" _she prompted, trying to bring him back to the here and now.

He took a deep breath and nodded slightly; he disengaged himself from her arms and sat on the edge of the bed, his back to her. She could see his shoulders slump and her heart ached for him. _"I'm going to go downstairs and make some coffee" _she told him as she padded out the room. He nodded his head again but said nothing; he lent his elbows on his knees and placed his head in his hands. His internal struggle was tearing him in two and he had no idea how much longer he could keep up the fight, sooner or later one of them would win, he just hoped that the side that won was the right one.

* * *

Calleigh busied herself in the kitchen making coffee, she ran a tired had through her hair and thought back over the events of last night. After his first nightmare she had taken him in her arms and tried to soothe him as he gripped her firmly. She could feel his body shaking, whether through exhaustion or fear she was not sure but she tried her best to lend him some of her strength to help see him through the night. He eventually fell back into an exhausted sleep but it was not long until his demons returned to taunt him, she knew that he could not carry on much longer like this. The physical exhaustion was compounding his emotional problems and making them worse, she made a mental note to ask Jeff about the possibility of giving Horatio a 'helping hand' with sleeping at night.

Just as she was about to make her way to the hallway and call up to him, Horatio arrived in the doorway of the kitchen. She jumped as she saw him standing there; glad to see that he hadn't lost any of his cat-like grace in silently sneaking up on people. _"My God, Horatio! You made me jump!" _she said as she placed a hand over her pounding heart.

He looked at her briefly and then returned his gaze to the floor, _"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" _he replied remorsefully, his voice barely a whisper.

She took a few moments to get her heartbeat under control, _"Nonsense. Come and sit down and I'll make you some breakfast" _she told him as she motioned with her hand to a chair at the dining table.

_"I'm not really hungry" _he mumbled, still looking at the floor.

She walked over to him, took him by the arm and gently pulled him across the room to the vacant chair. _"Sit" s_he instructed him firmly as she pushed him into a sitting position. _"You need to eat, Horatio. You have to start looking after yourself" _she told him as she began taking items out of the refrigerator. _"You need to keep your strength up, it'll make you feel better" _He gave her a weak smile but did not reply.

She sat and watched him laboriously going through the motions of eating the toast she had cooked him, he made it look like she was force-feeding him something horrific judging by the look on his face and the pained way he went about chewing it. She knew that he was eating it for her sake and not for his own but she took a small sense of satisfaction that he at least had something in his stomach to keep him going.

He gave her a quizzical look when she placed another cup of black coffee in front of him. _"Drink it" _she said as she lifted her second cup of coffee to her mouth, _"We both need it after last night"_

He closed his eyes as his cheeks coloured in shame, he admonished himself for letting his demons hurt her too. _"I'm so sorry, Calleigh. You don't need this on top of everything else. I'll leave today" _

She put her cup down with a little more force than she had intended, the still-warm liquid spilling over the brim and on to her hand. She shook her hand clean as she looked at him, _"You know that's not what I mean. I'd do anything to stop you suffering so much. If I have to spend every night for the rest of my life holding you and keeping you safe then I will" _She looked at him with such sincerity that he wasn't sure how to respond_, _he felt awkward and began to squirm in his chair. His sleep-deprived mind was struggling to process what he had heard; he told himself that he had misunderstood her meaning. She was comforting him because she felt she had to, after all it would take her years to break in another boss at the crime lab.

Calleigh surprised herself with her speech, she watched him fidget in the chair and immediately recognised the signs of him fighting the urge to bolt from the room and hide himself away. She tore her eyes away from him when she heard her cell phone ring; she picked it up from the counter and looked at the caller ID, _"Hi, Eric. How are things at the lab?" _she asked brightly as her gaze returned to Horatio.

_"Good, Calleigh. Having fun on your R and R?" _Eric teased

She sighed inwardly, _"Something like that. What can I do for you?"_

_ "I was just wondering if you'd heard from H. I had a phone call from Kyle this morning; he said that Horatio missed their Skype session yesterday"_

Horatio looked at her now, curious as to the topic of conversation. His face darkened as Calleigh replied, _"Alex told you he's got the flu, right? I'm sure he's just at home resting; you know what Horatio is like. When he gets ill he really gets ill"_

Eric chuckled at that, knowing that nothing short of Horatio being on his death bed would keep him from the lab. _"I suppose you're right. Kyle said he tried to ring his cell and home phone but only got his answering service. I'm just a bit worried Calleigh, it's not like H to not answer his phone" _

She could hear the worry in Eric's voice, of course he wasn't answering his cell phone, it was still in his house somewhere, probably buried under a piece of broken furniture. She knew he wouldn't answer his home phone either considering he had spent the last five days at her house. _"I'm sure everything is fine, Eric" s_he tried to reassure him; _"I'll pop over there this morning and check on him. Don't worry, he'll be fine" _She said her goodbyes, closed the phone and placed it back on the counter.

He looked up at her again, _"What was that all about?" _he asked her quietly, knowing that they had been talking about him.

She walked over and sat in the chair opposite him, _"Eric said Kyle phoned him yesterday. You missed a Skype chat with him"_

He raised a weary hand to his face and rubbed at it tiredly, _"I completely forgot" _he admitted

_"It's ok. Apparently Kyle tried ringing you too but he couldn't get an answer. I told Eric not to worry and that you would be fine" _she smiled encouragingly at him.

_"I've let them down" _he said as he hung his head in shame, _"Again"_

_ "Nonsense. I'm sure Eric told him that you're not feeling too hot at the moment, he'll understand"_

He looked up at her, _"I need to go back to my house, I need my things. Would you take me there?"_

She wasn't sure how to answer; surely he wasn't in the right frame of mind to return to his home. Not after what had happened there. She was saved from answering by a knock on the door, _"Saved by the bell" s_he mumbled to herself as she left Horatio sitting alone in the kitchen with his thoughts.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks again for the great reviews, here's the next part:**

_"Good morning, Calleigh. How are you?" _Jeff asked as he stood on her front doorstep.

She ran a hand through her hair and let out a deep breath before answering, _"I'm ok, thanks. Apart from the fact that Horatio and I didn't get much sleep last night" _

_ "What happened when I left yesterday?" _he gently prodded.

_"Horatio and I talked, a lot. He started opening up to me and told me how he felt. It got quite emotional again" _she avoided his gaze, worried that he would chastise her for pushing Horatio too far.

_"He's making progress. This is a good thing, Calleigh" _Jeff tried to reassure her.

She smiled weakly at him, _"He got angry and then he got pretty tearful. I've never seen him like that before" _she told him honestly.

He placed a reassuring hand on her arm, _"That's because he's never had someone to lean on. He's dealing with a lifetime's worth of emotions; he's going to be a bit all over the place at the moment"_

_ "Alex invited us round for dinner last night, Horatio didn't think it was a good idea but I made him go. Did I do the wrong thing?" _she was starting to doubt herself and how much help she was really being to Horatio in his time of need.

_"Did you drag him there kicking and screaming?"_

_ "No" _she answered warily.

_"Well then I don't think you did anything wrong. If I've learnt anything about him its that no one can make him do something he doesn't want to. He's as stubborn as a mule. He must have wanted to go, deep down, otherwise he wouldn't have left the house with you" _He gave her a warm smile and squeezed her arm before letting go. _"Did he enjoy it once he was there?"_

_ "He played basketball with Alex's kids, they loved spending time with him" s_he smiled as she recalled the looks on the children's faces as Horatio showed them tricks with the ball. _"I actually saw a genuine smile on his face, for a short while anyway"_

_ "You've done very well in my absence, Calleigh. Soon you won't need me anymore"_

Her face dropped at his last statement, _"Please tell me you're joking. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing; I'm probably making the situation worse"_

_ "Psychology is 20% knowledge, 20% intuition and 60% making it up as you go along. You've got the last two down pretty well" _he told her with a wry smile on his face. _"What happened last night?" _he asked, changing the subject.

She let out a deep breath, _"I'd hoped after all the progress that we made yesterday that he would finally get a decent night's sleep. His dreams were worse than ever though" s_he looked at Jeff sadly.

_"Unfortunately that's to be expected. All of these emotions and memories that he's kept hidden for so long are coming back to the surface. Yesterday sounds like a big breakthrough; things are going to be a bit up and down for a while"_

_ "He's exhausted though" _she told Jeff, genuinely worried for Horatio's health, _"He's not sleeping or eating well and I can't help wondering if that is making him worse. Surely he'd feel better emotionally if he could get a decent night's sleep?"_

He considered her argument for a moment before responding, _"You're right, Calleigh. What are you suggesting we do?" _he asked her but he had a feeling he knew what would be coming next.

_"Is there not something you can give him that would help him sleep?" s_he hated asking but was at a loss for what else to do.

_"You mean pharmaceutically?" _She nodded her head in response, _"I can call Alex and ask her to prepare a prescription for some sleeping pills although I don't rate your chances of getting him to take them voluntarily" _he said in a tone that warned her not to expect too much.

_"And what if he didn't know he was taking them?" s_he asked nervously, her head shot up when Jeff replied more forcefully than she was expecting.

_"Definitely not" _he said it a bit more harshly than he should have but he had spent far too much time getting Horatio to this point only to see it fall apart. _"He's given a lot in trusting us, Calleigh. If you go behind his back and do something like that he would never forgive us or trust us again. All of our hard work will have been for nothing"_

Her cheeks reddened in shame, _"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking" _she said meekly, wiping at an errant tear that had escaped from her eye.

Jeff took a deep breath, _"I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, Calleigh. Horatio is a man on the edge at the moment and we have to be careful not to push him the wrong way. Go to the hospital after lunch and see Alex, I'll talk to Horatio today about the pills and we'll take it from there. It has to be his choice Calleigh, no one else's"_

She gave him a small nod and stood aside so that he could enter the house, _"He's just in the kitchen" _she told him as she made her way to the stairs, she climbed them as quickly as she could and only just made it to her room before the tears began to fall.

* * *

_"Hello, Horatio. How are you today?" _Jeff asked as he entered the kitchen and sat down next to Horatio at the table.

He sat twiddling with the handle on his coffee cup, _"Fine" w_as the succinct reply.

_"Do anything interesting yesterday?" _

_"Not really" _he answered evasively, not in the mood for talking.

_"So you didn't enjoy a plate of Alex's legendary chicken gumbo last night then?" _Jeff teased whist vainly trying to get the stubborn redhead to engage in conversation.

He sighed dramatically, _"What's the point in asking me if you already know?"_

_ "I'm asking because I want to know how you feel about what happened yesterday. I spoke to Calleigh" _he left it there hoping that Horatio would respond with more than a one or two word answer.

_"Did she tell you how I threw my toys out of the pram and cried like a baby on her shoulder?" _he spat, wanting nothing more than for Jeff to get out of the house and leave him the hell alone.

"_Not quite in those words. She told me things got a bit emotional, believe it or not that is actually a good thing" _Horatio looked at him and raised an eyebrow, _"You need to let these emotions out, it's eating you up inside. She said the dreams were pretty bad last night"_

Horatio returned his gaze to the floor, _"I….we…didn't sleep well last night"_

_ "I can see that, you look shattered. It's a good thing that I've got something nice and relaxing planned for today then" _Horatio looked up at the other man warily, _"You said that you used to go fishing with your nephew"_

_ "What of it?"_

_ "You and I are going to a lovely little area in the glades to do a spot of fishing. Who knows, we might even catch dinner" _Jeff told him enthusiastically as he stood up from his chair.

He racked his brains trying to think of an excuse as to why he couldn't go, why couldn't Jeff just leave him to wallow in his self-pity? _"I don't have a rod; all my gear is back at home"_

_ "Well it's a good job that I've brought enough kit for the pair of us, isn't it?" _Jeff replied in that bubbly tone that he knew irritated his reluctant companion.

Horatio sighed defeated, _"Do you I actually get a choice in this?"_

Jeff smiled victoriously, _"Not really. No"_


	23. Chapter 23

**Here's the next part. I'm not sure if it has ever been discussed in the TV show how Horatio convinced Calleigh to come to Miami and so I made it up myself.**

Horatio followed Jeff to the car, his shoulders slumped and his hands in his pockets. He would rather have spent the day wallowing in his misery but felt ganged-up on with both Calleigh and Jeff prodding him and poking him to do things. He let himself in the passenger seat of the car and buckled his seat belt. _"Where are we going then?" _he asked tersely as he waited for the other man to start the car.

_"I told you, there's a nice spot out in the glades where I like to go fishing from time to time" _Jeff answered amicably as he put the car into gear and drove away.

_"And what happens if we attract gators?"_

_ "Well, Alex tells me you're quite the marksman. I'm hoping that if the worst comes to it you'll shoot it in the ass"_

Horatio turned to Jeff and gave him a withering look, _"I'd have a hard time doing that without my service weapon"_

The other man realised that he had a point, _"I heard Calleigh took it off you that night, is it in her gun safe?"_

Horatio returned his gaze to the road, _"Probably"_

_ "She said she found you with it, what were you planning to do with it?"_

He squirmed slightly in his seat, uncomfortable with the line of questioning. _"I don't know. Most of that night is a blur" _he said evasively.

_"Were you planning to use it on someone?" _Jeff asked tentatively, knowing his was treading a fine line with the unpredictable redhead.

Horatio's head shot back towards the driver, _"Of course I wasn't!" _

_ "Yourself, then?"_

_ "I…..I….." _It was rare that Horatio Caine was ever lost for words, he struggled to form a sentence to answer the question. He took a deep breath and tried again, _"I hadn't slept well in weeks, the dreams and the voices kept hounding me. They wouldn't shut up. I just wanted them to stop" _he finished meekly, feeling weak for admitting it.

_"You couldn't see any way out?"_

He considered the question for a few moments before answering, _"No. I just wanted to sleep. To close my eyes and fool myself for a few hours that everything would be alright" _He laughed bitterly to himself, _"Stupid, huh?"_

_ "Not at all" _Jeff replied sincerely, _"You mentioned the voices, what kind of things were they saying to you?"_

He hesitated, he felt stupid for admitting that he heard voices in his head, surely Jeff would commit him to a psych ward if he told him anymore than he already had. _"It's nothing" _he answered, willing Jeff to stop badgering him.

With his eyes still on the road Jeff tried a different tack, _"We all have them, you know"_

Horatio cursed himself for taking the bait as he answered, _"Have what?"_

_ "Voices in our heads. It doesn't mean you're insane if you hear them, it just means you have a 's your thoughts being verbalised" _Horatio gave him another glare, wary of believing what the other man was telling him. _"I take it the voices are negative?"_

_ "Yes" _he replied quietly, hanging his head in shame for admitting it.

Jeff let out a small triumphant smile, _"That figures. That's what is holding you back, isn't it?"_

He squirmed in his seat again, wishing he was anywhere but here, stuck in a car with a man who could read him so easily. He promised himself that once this was over that he would put much more work into perfecting his poker face. _"No…yes…..I don't know, probably" _he finished lamely.

_ "Calleigh tells me that you open up to her and then keep shutting her out again. Why is that?" _Jeff prodded.

_"She shouldn't have to deal with this. It's not her problem, I'm being a burden on her"_

_ "But it's her choice" _the other man reiterated, echoing what he had already told Horatio days ago.

_"She doesn't know what she's getting in to" _

_ "I think she does, she's walking in to this with her eyes open. She wants to help you, why won't you let her in?"_

He realised that he was fast running out of excuses for pushing Calleigh away, each time he relented and let her in the taunting voices in his head would return and tell him that she would not stick around if she knew what he really was. _"She won't understand. She'll get hurt"_

Jeff sighed deeply, _"You're just making excuses now. You need to stop listening to those voices"_

Horatio said nothing for a while, "I_ don't know how" _was the despondent response.

The other man smiled inwardly, glad that he had got his stubborn passenger to admit to what had been holding him back. _"We can work on that" _They turned off the highway and made their way to a dirt track road, _"How did you and Calleigh meet?" _he asked, changing the subject.

_"She was working in New Orleans in the crime lab there. A case in Miami had been connected to a shooting there and so I went down to see what I could find out. I remember walking into her ballistics lab and her brilliant smile lit up the room" _Horatio smiled to himself as he recalled his first meeting with the beautiful blonde woman.

_"You two hit it off straight away?"_

_ "Pretty much. She was so enthusiastic about ballistics, it was like watching an artist at work. She was a phenomenal CSI and her bubbly demeanour was certainly a change from what I'd been use to in Miami"_

_ "Had you just been promoted to head of the crime lab then?" _Jeff asked as he took a left turn.

_"Yes. I was told I could handpick my team, as soon as I met her I knew that I wanted her to come back to Miami with me" _He smiled softly, _"Her boss wasn't too happy with me when he found out"_

_ "Did she agree straight away, then?"_

He laughed softly at that, _"No. It took two lunches, three dinners and cost me an arm and a leg in coffee to persuade her to transfer to Miami. She told me that my stubbornness wore her down in the end" _he raised an eyebrow at the other man as he spoke.

_"That I can believe" _Jeff chuckled, _"Have you always been close?"_

The smile vanished from Horatio's face as his mood darkened, _"No. For the first few years we were very close, over time we just seemed to drift apart. I got the feeling that she wasn't too happy when I married Marisol" _he answered honestly, _"After Marisol died, she became a lot more distant. Like she didn't want to be in the same room as me, we had a professional relationship but that was about it" _he finished sadly.

_"Do you think she was jealous?"_

He snorted at the assumption, _"I doubt it. Who would want some old fool like me?"_

_ "In my opinion, Calleigh cares for you a lot more than you realise. Maybe the lines got a bit blurred for Calleigh and so she distanced herself because of it"_

Again he snorted derisively, _"I don't think so"_

_ "Maybe you should talk to Calleigh about it" _Jeff prompted.

_"And what good would that do?" _Horatio shot back.

_"You need to be honest with each other, it's no good second-guessing what the other is thinking"_

Horatio had tired of the conversation, _"Can we talk about something else please?" _He rubbed a weary hand over his face.

_"You obviously care a great deal about her too, otherwise you wouldn't be getting so upset talking about it"_

_ "I'm not upset!" _he shouted, losing his temper momentarily. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself, realising that he had just proven Jeff's point. _"With everything that's going on in my head it's hardly top of my list of priorities right now"_

_ "Maybe it should be" _Jeff countered, _"You've denied yourself any kind of comfort for too long. I'm not saying that you should rush into any kind of relationship with her but you should at least accept the friendship she's offering you"_

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the headrest, _"You're probably right" _he finally admitted defeated.

Jeff turned to look at his weary passenger, _"I usually am" _he replied jokingly.


	24. Chapter 24

**I've had a free day today and I've managed to get quite a bit of writing done, so here's the next chapter:**

Horatio stared out of the passenger window sulking, angry at himself for being constantly outwitted by the other man. For every argument he gave him Jeff always seemed to have an answer for it, it annoyed him to think that he was so transparent to the other man. It crossed his mind to take off his seatbelt and jump from the moving car just to get away from him, who would care if he got himself killed trying to get away? _"Calleigh would" _a voice in his head told him, the tone softer than the taunting one he had become so used to. He closed his eyes and felt guilty; she had shown how much she cared for him over the last few days. She had put her faith in him, more faith than he thought he deserved. He owed it to her to at least try to sort himself out.

Jeff watched him out the corner of his eye as he concentrated on driving up the dirt track road, watching as the emotions flickered across the other man's face. He smiled as he saw Horatio fidget in his seat, _"You do that a lot, you know?" _he observed.

Horatio opened his eyes but did not look at Jeff, _"Do what?" _he replied tersely.

_"Fidget. And you're not big on eye contact either, why is that?"_

_ "What does it matter?" _he asked tiredly, fiddling with the cuffs on his shirt.

_"You're doing it again" _Jeff observed dryly as his gaze dropped to Horatio's arms.

His hands stilled as he realised that he had been caught, _"What's your point?" _he growled as he willed his hands to stay where they were. He suddenly felt unnerved that he did not know what to do with them, he felt silly placing them on his legs, palm down but was at a loss for where else to put them.

_"It's a big giveaway. I can tell when you're feeling uncomfortable; you start to fiddle with things. I bet you're missing your sunglasses aren't you?"_

His head shot round at this, _"How did you know about them?" s_hocked by the statement, Jeff had never seen him with them since he'd met him.

_"Your friends notice these things" _he said as way of an answer, _"You've been on the six o'clock news a few times too. Never without those famous shades, you wear them like a suit of armour"_

He swallowed nervously; he had no idea that he was being so obvious. It never occurred to him that people would take notice of his penchant for wearing them or avoiding other people's gazes. _"In case you haven't noticed, it's usually quite sunny in Miami. Would you prefer I squinted?" _he shot back sarcastically, once more going on the attack.

_"You're getting agitated because you know I'm right" _

_ "No, I'm getting agitated because I'm tired and you're asking me stupid questions!" _he said, his voice rising in anger.

_"You feel lost without them, don't you?" _Jeff continued, pressing home his point. _"They protect you from the outside world. They stop you from letting people in"_

_ "They're just glasses" _was Horatio's lame response; it was the best he could come up with. He was tired and wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

_"Not to you they're not. I can see why you avoid eye contact so much, you're eyes give you away every time. If people look into your eyes they can see how much pain you're in, how much you're suffering" _Horatio went back to fiddling with his shirt sleeves, avoiding looking at the other man. _"If people can't see in then you can hide away from the world, hide what you're really feeling" _Jeff took another left turn before speaking again, _"Those sunglasses are a big part of who you are, it feels like a loss of identity when you don't have them around. It makes you feel nervous"_

_ "You make me sound like a child who's lost his favourite toy" _was the sardonic reply.

_"No, it makes you sound like a man who has forgotten who he really is. You've spent so long being all things to other people that you've lost yourself along the way"_

Horatio returned his gaze to the road and both of them sat in silence for a while, finally he spoke. _"My belongings, they're still at my house. I asked Calleigh if she would take me back so that I could collect them"_

Jeff glanced at his passenger momentarily, _"Do you think you're up for that?"_

He sighed deeply, _"I don't know, but I need my things. I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding everyone"_

Jeff smiled at that, finally the fog was starting to lift and the stubborn redhead was slowly but surely changing his mind set, whether he knew it or not. _"Maybe you should go then. When you're feeling up to it" _Horatio nodded slightly but said nothing. They continued driving for another half an hour until Jeff slowed the car and put it in to park, _"We're here" _he said as he applied the handbrake. _"You ready?" _he asked as he took the keys out of the ignition and opened his door.

Horatio reluctantly got out of the car; he couldn't really see the point of this exercise. Fishing for a day was not going to suddenly change the nightmare his life had become; it would only delay the inevitable. He watched the other man as he opened the trunk and began to unload the gear, _"You going to stand there and watch or are you going to come and help me?" _Jeff asked teasingly.

He took his hands out of his pockets and slowly walked round to the trunk of the car, _"What do you want me to do?" _he asked awkwardly.

Jeff raised his head to look at him, _"You can help me lift this" _he said, gesturing to the wicker basket.

He leant into the car and took one side whilst Jeff took the other; he winced slightly when he felt the weight of the container. _"What have you got in here, a dead body?" _he asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at the other man.

_"Of course I have" _Jeff deadpanned, _"Who better than the great Horatio Caine to help me conceal the evidence of a crime?"_

_ "What's in it?" _he asked again, not willing to rise to Jeff's teasing.

_"Supplies, fishing kit, food. Coffee" _he answered, smiling.

_"What, not herbal tea?" _

_"Well, yes. But I'm not holding out much hope that I'll get you to drink any of it"_

Horatio sighed once more, _"Would it shut you up if I did?" _tired of being badgered by the older man.

_"Sadly it would take a lot more than a cup of tea to shut me up, my friend. It's a curse of my job, us psychologists love the sound of our own voices" _he jested good-naturedly.

Horatio huffed and muttered under his breath, _"You can say that again" _He walked over with the basket with Jeff and put it down where directed. _"Do you ever get bored of being right all the time?" _he asked testily.

_"That depends, do you ever get bored of being so negative all the time?" _Jeff responded, letting the other man's verbal attacks wash over him.

Horatio opened his mouth to stay something and then closed it again, realising that he had no comeback to that.


	25. Chapter 25

**I'm hoping this will be the first of two chapters today:**

He stood awkwardly by the car as Jeff went about setting the fishing gear up at the side of the lake, he shoved his hands back in his pockets and wished that he had his sunglasses with him, at least he'd have something to fiddle with. He was distracted from his moping by other man calling over to him, _"I don't think you're going to catch many fish standing over there"_

He glared at Jeff and reluctantly plodded over to the vacant fishing rod that had been placed next to the wicker basket. Jeff looked up at him from his kneeling position, _"I find it works better if you pick it up and cast the line"_

He silently picked the rod up and cast a line in to the lake, _"Happy now?"_

_ "Delirious" _Jeff deadpanned as he got back to his feet and cast a line himself. _"Just to let you know, I haven't been fishing in years so I hope Calleigh's not expecting us to bring home dinner" _Horatio gave no indication of hearing the other man, he just continued to stare out across the lake, concentrating on his line. _"I can see why people find this so relaxing. The peace and quiet gives you time to think about things"_

_ "There's not much peace or quiet here at the moment" _he growled, throwing a glare at Jeff.

_"That's what I like about you, Horatio. Attack is always your best form of defence" _Jeff replied mildly, _"You push people away when you think they're getting too close to you"_

_ "Your point being?"_

_ "My point being that you need to stop pushing people away, you have friends around you that are trying their hardest to help you. Calleigh's a lovely woman; she doesn't deserve to be treated badly"_

He almost dropped his rod at that, _"I would never treat her badly" _He took a deep breath before continuing, _"She's been an angel these past few days, she's more than I deserve"_

_ "Maybe she's exactly what you deserve. You've spent so long on your own, maybe it's time you let someone in"_

He considered Jeff's words, he had been so lonely for so long and deep down was aching to have someone to share his life with yet he couldn't get past the fact that he would never feel good enough to be deserving of her. He was bitter and twisted, an angry man who was meant to be alone. That's what the voices kept telling him, he had been subjected to their taunts for so long that he assumed that what they were saying must be true. _"I'm tired" _he finally said, his voice low.

_"A lack of sleep will do that to you" _Getting fed up with no tugs on his line, Jeff reeled in and recast. _"How long has it been?"_

_ "How long has it been since what?"_

_ "Since you slept properly?"_

Horatio glanced briefly at the other man before returning his gaze to the lake, _"I don't know" _he answered honestly, _"Months probably" _he shrugged his shoulders.

_"It's not helping you. You're physically exhausted and it's making things seem much bleaker than they really are. Have you tried anything to help you to sleep?"_

He laughed bitterly, _"I don't drink or take drugs. I've seen what both can do to a person" _he closed his eyes as his mind assaulted him with images of his violent father and his brother strung out on heroin. _"Falling asleep is not the problem…."_

_ "It's the staying asleep that is?" _Jeff interjected. Horatio nodded his head sadly, _"The dreams. Do they come every night?"_

_ "Pretty much" _was the quiet reply.

_"What do you dream about?"_

He took a shuddering breath and fiddled with his fishing rod, _"All the people I could have saved. I see their deaths over and over and there's nothing I can do to save them. They just stare at me accusingly, asking me why I didn't save them" _He hung his head in shame.

_"Are they always the same dreams?"_

_ "Most nights. Things have gotten worse since…since the shooting. When I was lying on that pier I thought I was going to die. Marisol came to me, told me I had to go back. That my work wasn't done yet"_

_ "And she's still in your dreams now?"_

_ "Yes" _he replied quietly, his voice barely a whisper. _"Every time I close my eyes I see their faces. They haunt me. If I could have died to save them I would have, believe me"_

_ "But it wasn't your place and it wasn't your time" _Jeff tried to reason with him, _"Maybe there's something bigger out there that you're meant for. Maybe there's someone out there that you're meant to meet"_

He glared at the other man and raised an eyebrow, _"I hope you don't mean you" _was the sardonic reply and Jeff could have sworn that he even saw a slight smile flicker across Horatio's face.

He laughed at that, _"No I don't mean me. But I think it might be someone you already know. It may be staring you in the face but you're just too tired and depressed to see it at the moment"_

Horatio's head shot up, _"I'm not depressed!" _he replied indignantly, he gripped the fishing rod tightly in his hands as a wave of anger went through him.

_"I'm afraid you are, Horatio. It's nothing to be ashamed of"_

_ "People like me; we're not allowed to get depressed"_

_ "And what kind of person do you think you are?"_

It took him a while to think of an adequate answer, _"People rely on me. I have to be strong for them" w_as about all he could think of on the spot.

_"And who is being strong for you?"_

He didn't have an answer for that. _"I spoke to Calleigh earlier. About last night" _Jeff said a few minutes later, _"She's worried that you're not sleeping well. She asked me if there would be something I could recommend to help you"_

He gripped the rod tightly again, keeping his voice even and his gaze out toward the lake. _"I'm not taking any pills if that's what you're thinking"_

_ "I had a feeling you would say that. I think you should at least give it some thought. You're running Calleigh ragged at the moment, you could both do with a good night's sleep" _He felt a bit guilty mentioning her name but she was his trump card, he knew that Horatio would not doing anything for his own benefit and so he used the person he was closest to his advantage.

_"You're right. I've put her through too much, I'll pack my things when I get back and leave tonight" _he knew it was the cowards way out but he was scared of losing control. What would happen if he was stuck in a nightmare and couldn't wake, he'd be left to replay it for all eternity.

_"You know that's not an option. Just try them, you might see things differently after a proper night's sleep. If you don't like them or can't get on with them then we'll think of something else"_

Horatio considered the other man's words for a few minutes, _"I don't want to be reliant on drugs. Any drugs"_

_ "I understand that, I'm not suggesting long-term use but maybe just for the next few days. You look done-in, you need some proper physical rest otherwise we'll just be going round in circles"_

He could feel his defences weakening and he hated himself for it, the lure of blissful sleep was just too strong to resist. _"I'll think about it" _he told the other man, not willing to commit himself to anything just yet.

Jeff smiled, _"That's all I ask"_


	26. Chapter 26

**As promised, here's another chapter for you:**

Midday soon rolled around, neither man had caught any fish and so Jeff decided it would be a good time for a break. He balanced his rod on the ground and walked over to the wicker basket from which he produced two flasks. _"Don't suppose I could tempt you to a cup of chamomile tea?" _he asked hopefully.

Horatio placed his rod down too and walked over to the other man, _"No, you couldn't" _he said as he lowered himself down on the picnic blanket next to Jeff. He sat knees bent with his arms resting on top.

_"How are you feeling?"_

The question took Horatio by surprise, _"Shouldn't you be telling me how I'm feeling?"_

_"I could but what would be the point in that? You need to come to your own conclusions. Do things seem as bad as they did on Friday?"_

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, _"I felt hopeless. I was so tired of everything, I just wanted some peace"_

_"And now?"_

_"And now I feel like I've let people down. Calleigh and Alex have been so good to me these past few days. I don't deserve their compassion"_

_"Why do you say that?" _Jeff asked as he took a gulp of his tea, he placed the cup down, poured Horatio a coffee from the other flask and handed it to him.

_"All I've done is upset them. They look so sad and it's my fault. I want to be happy so that I can make them happy but I can't" _he finished despondently.

_"What's stopping you?"_

He took another deep breath, worried that he had already revealed far too much. _"The voices. Every time I try to reach out they tell me that I'm wrong. They keep taunting me, telling me that I'm meant to be on my own"_

_"The voices, they get louder and more negative the more stressed we are" _Jeff tried to explain as he picked up a biscuit and chewed on it thoughtfully. _"We tend to ignore that annoying little voice in our heads most of the time, when we get run down our resistance to it is lowered. We start to believe what it's telling us, the more attention you pay to it the louder and worse they get"_

_"So what do I do about it then?"_

_"You need to sleep" _Jeff repeated the words from their earlier conversation, _"You can't be fighting a battle with yourself when you're running on empty. You need to be physically strong if you want to win this war" _He looked the stubborn redhead up and down before adding, _"You look like crap at the moment"_

_"Thanks" _he replied, giving Jeff a sarcastic smile as he drained the last of his coffee.

_"Seriously though, you need to start taking care of yourself physically. You're no spring chicken anymore" _Horatio glared at him but he carried on regardless, _"The lack of sleep and poor eating habits are putting your body under a lot of strain, your physical condition is linked to how you feel emotionally. Once you have rested and recovered in body the mind will soon follow"_

_"So what are you suggesting, drug me up to the eyeballs with sleeping pills?"_

_"No" _Jeff replied patiently, _"Take them for a few days and get some proper rest. Eat a few good meals with your friends and then start setting yourself some goals for the next few months"_

_"Such as what, oh wise one?"_

_"Exercise is a good way of relieving the effects of depression__**" **_Horatio glared darkly at him again but said nothing, _"Physical exertion has been scientifically proven to help tackle depression. It gives you something to focus on and it can certainly help get rid of pent up anger and frustration. Surely there's some sort of exercise that you used to enjoy doing?"_

_"I used to jog a lot. It kind of fell by the wayside after I got shot, having a gaping wound in your gut kind of makes it awkward to run"_

_"But you've recovered, physically?"_

_"Yes"_

_"So why don't you start jogging again. It's a great way to start the day, it even helps you sleep better at night. It'd be even better if you had a running partner" _Jeff suggested.

Horatio shrugged his shoulders, _"I suppose so. I think Calleigh likes to go jogging" _he mused as he poured himself more coffee from the flask.

_"Why don't you ask her then?"_

_"I don't know. I've already put her out enough as it is. She probably can't wait to be rid of me" _His gaze focussed on the cup in his hands.

_"She's stuck around this long, I can't see her backing out now" _Jeff poured the remnants of tea from his cup and put the flask back together before getting to his feet and returning to his fishing rod. He picked it up and recast, _"Let's give it another couple of hours before we give up and head home"_

Horatio got to his feet slowly and brushed the dust from his trousers before returning to his own rod. He picked it up and stared at it for a few moments before shaking his head slightly and casting a line in to the lake.

The movement wasn't lost on Jeff, _"What are you thinking about?" _he prodded gently.

Horatio shrugged his shoulders, _"Nothing much. I was just thinking about the days Ray Jr and I used to spend fishing in the Keys"_

_"They were good memories?"_

He smiled softly as he remembered the look of pure joy on the boy's face when he caught his first fish. _"Ray Jr was impatient; he expected the fish to come to him. He couldn't understand why it took so long to catch them. Fishing is about biding your time and waiting for the right moment to strike"_

_"You bonded with him over fishing?"_

_"Yes. He was a lot like his father, hot-headed and impatient. He needed a calming influence in his life"_

_"And that was you?"_

Horatio gave the other man a strange look before answering, _"I'd like to think so. Although looking back on it now I probably did the boy more harm than good"_

Jeff turned to him and let out an exasperated sigh, _"I'm not going to even dignify that statement with a response" _Horatio shrugged his shoulders before his attention was grabbed by a sharp tugging on his line, Jeff saw the movement of the line out the corner of his eye. _"Hey, I think we've got a bite!" _

He ignored Jeff as he concentrated on snagging the fish on his hook before slowly beginning to reel the line back in, the rod bowed slightly under the weight of its catch. Jeff watched on in fascination as Horatio expertly reeled the fish in and lifted it from the lake and into the air, _"You caught one!" _the older man exclaimed excitedly.

Horatio lowered the fish to the ground and carefully took the hook out of its mouth as it took a few final gulps of air before it stilled. _"I was going to put it back in" _he said, keeping his gaze on the dead fish. _"Sorry little fella"_

_"Can't we take it back and eat it?" _Jeff asked as he marvelled at the size of the fish. _"It looks big enough"_

Horatio got back to his feet and placed the fish in a bucket of water, _"It's a knife fish, it'll be bony but we might be able to make something with it" _

_"Great. I'm sure Calleigh will love it! Let's see what else we can catch"_

Horatio humoured the other man and said nothing; he recast his line and turned his attention back to the lake. Nothing was said between the two men for quite a while, it appeared the Jeff that the stubborn redhead was contemplating what they had been discussing today. _"Good. At least he's actually considering taking the sleeping pills" _he thought to himself. He knew that once Horatio had got a couple of decent night's sleep that his outlook on life would become a bit more positive, he just hoped the man took the chance and tried what he and Calleigh had suggested.

Jeff could see by mind-afternoon that Horatio was tiring; he had watched the other man unsuccessfully trying to hide a couple of yawns from him. He placed his rod down and then started to go about packing his kit away. _"What are you doing?" _Horatio asked, feeling his eyelids getting heavier by the minute.

Jeff looked up from what he was doing, _"Packing up. You look beat, it's quite a drive so I thought we'd better start heading back" _Horatio looked at him for a few moments as if trying to process what the other man had just said. _"You going to stand there looking pretty or are you going to give me a hand?" _Jeff groused good-naturedly.

He shook his head to clear the fog; _"Sorry" _He quietly helped Jeff pack the rest of the fishing gear away and to carry it back to the car.

Jeff saw Horatio swaying slightly on his feet, _"Go and get yourself in the car before you fall over" _The redhead opened his mouth to protest, _"Alex will have my head if you keel over and hurt yourself" _Jeff continued as he pointed to the passenger seat. Horatio sighed and let himself in the car; he leant his head back and closed his eyes until he heard Jeff get in the driver's side. _"Let's get you back home" _Jeff told him as he turned the key in the ignition and put the car in to gear.

**I do not fish, nor have I ever been to the Everglades but I did do some research about the type of fish Horatio caught which apparently you can find there. Hopefully my fishing terminology was not completedly inaccurate ;-)**


	27. Chapter 27

**I managed to squeeze another chapter out before work:**

The long drive home was made almost in silence; Jeff had turned the radio on at a low volume. He could see that Horatio was exhausted once more; he was surprised that the man had lasted as long as he did today. He put it down to Horatio's legendary stubbornness, it was his greatest strength but also his biggest weakness. He watched as the other man gazed sightlessly out the windscreen, Jeff could almost see the mental wheels turning in his head and silently hoped that Horatio was giving serious consideration to what they had discussed during the day. He hoped that Horatio would put his pride to one side for once and allow his friends to take care of him, he knew that this man was fiercely proud and independent and the thought of not being able to control his actions and be reliant on another person to take care for him, no matter how briefly, was galling to him.

Time seemed to move quickly for Horatio, one minute he had let himself into Jeff's car and before he knew it they had arrived back at Calleigh's house. The first thing he became aware of was Jeff's quiet voice telling him that he was home. _"It's not my home" _he thought petulantly to himself. He let himself out of the car and trudged behind the other man to the front door; he stood on the step awkwardly as Jeff rang the doorbell.

Calleigh greeted them with a warm smile, _"Hey guys. Did you catch anything?" _she asked brightly, looking from one man to the other.

Jeff held the spoils of their victory by the mouth with his index finger, _"Guess who caught this little beauty?" _he said as he motioned his head towards Horatio.

_"Well done, Horatio!" s_he said as he gave her an awkward smile before lowering his head to stare at the ground. _"Would you like a drink before you leave, Jeff?"_

_ "A drink would be great, thank you Calleigh" _All three of them entered the house, Calleigh and Jeff walked through to the kitchen whilst Horatio mumbled something about needing the bathroom before disappearing upstairs. _"Did you manage to catch up on some sleep?" _Jeff asked as he made himself comfortable at the dining table.

She turned to look at him from the other side of the kitchen, _"Yes I did. I popped out after lunch to see Alex. She gave me the pills. Did you manage to talk to him about it?" _She hoped that Jeff had been able to reason with Horatio about them.

Jeff nodded his head in thanks as Calleigh handed him a cup of herbal tea, _"We spoke quite a lot about them"_

She couldn't help her impatience, _"And what did he say, did he agree to take them?"_

_ "At first he flatly refused" _Jeff looked up and saw Calleigh's face fall, _"I tried to get him to understand that his physical and emotional problems are interlinked. It took some time and reassurance but I got him to commit to at least considering taking them for a few days. The rest will be up to you"_

A look of shock crossed her face, _"Up to me?! How on earth am I going to get him to take them if you can't?"_

He smiled warmly at her, _"You have more of an emotional hold on him than you realise. I would suggest using that to your advantage" _he raised his eyebrow knowingly at her.

Realisation dawned on her, _"You're suggesting I guilt-trip him in to taking them?"_

_ "Not in so many words. He's carrying a lot of guilt around with him at the moment. I'm merely suggesting that we could use that to our advantage. He won't look after himself for his own sake but he'll do whatever he can if he thinks you're suffering too"_

Calleigh was not entirely convinced, _"And you think that will work then?"_

_ "It can't hurt to try" _Jeff replied as he finished the last of his tea, _"I best be off now. Good luck with tonight"_

He was halfway to the front door when Calleigh caught up with him, _"Will you be back tomorrow?" _she asked, suddenly feeling out of her depth being left alone with the troubled man upstairs.

_"Well that depends on whether you can get Horatio to take those pills tonight. Call me in the morning and let me know what's going on" _He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze before letting himself out the front door and closing it quietly behind him.

She stood in the hallway, unsure of what to do next. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was nearly 4pm; she walked back through to the kitchen and looked at the freshly caught fish that Jeff had left on the counter. She looked at the flat, grey fish and realised that she had no idea how to prepare it for dinner. She took a deep breath and steeled herself before climbing the stairs and knocking softly on Horatio's bedroom door, he answered her with a quiet _"Come in"_

He was standing by the window as he had a few days before, gazing out at the beach as people went about their business. He had once more picked up the glass horse figurine and was fiddling with it mindlessly in his hands. _"Did you have a nice day, Calleigh?" _he asked quietly without turning to look at her.

She was taken aback by the question, it had been the first time in days he had asked her a question about herself. He had been so bogged down in his own misery that he seemed to have not comprehended what was happening to those around him. _"Yes I have, thank you Horatio. I saw Alex this afternoon" s_he said nervously, bracing herself for his reaction.

He continued to stare out of the window and she saw his grip tighten on the figurine, _"I see" _he replied, his voice barely a whisper.

_"You need to rest, Horatio. I mean properly. You're dead on your feet, you can't carry on much longer like this" s_he pleaded with him to understand. _"I promise that I won't let anything happen to you. You'll be safe here" _She walked over the room and stood next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, _"Please Horatio, if you won't do it for yourself then do it for me"_

He tensed for a moment at the contact before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying his best to relax. He turned his head to look at her, when she looked at him with those soulful eyes he knew that he could deny her nothing. _"Calleigh, you don't understand" _he started, trying to put in to words the fear he felt, he was terrified that the sleeping pills would leave him trapped in a nightmare that he couldn't wake from. At least at the moment he could shock himself awake when things became too bad, the thought of being trapped in a never-ending night terror shook him to the core. _"What if I can't wake up and I'm stuck in my dreams forever?" _He felt foolish for admitting it but also a little relieved to have voiced his concerns.

She turned him to face her and wrapped him in a warm embrace, _"I won't let that happen to you, I'll stay with you the whole time. You can trust me"_

He eventually returned the hug, wrapping his arms around her tightly and placing his chin on her shoulder. He sighed and closed his eyes, it felt so good to be held by her and he slowly realised that he was becoming addicted to her intoxicating presence. _"Ok" _he said quietly, _"I'll take them for one night" _he continued in a tone that signalled it was not up for debate.

She hugged him tighter as relief flooded her, _"Thank you" _she whispered as the tears fell silently from her eyes. They stood wrapped together for a number of minutes before Calleigh pulled away, Horatio couldn't help but feel disappointed that she had broken the contact between them. _"I came up here to ask you to help me with dinner" _she said as she wiped at her eyes and tried to compose herself.

He straightened and admonished himself, _"Get a grip of yourself, old man. She's not interested in you" _He willed the voices to be quiet once more, he plastered a weak smile on his face and tried to act like he was interested. _"What are we having?" _he still wasn't particularly hungry but he made an effort for her sake.

_"The fish you caught today. Seems like a shame to let it go to waste" _He nodded his head slightly but did not speak, _"I'm useless at gutting them, I hoped maybe you could do it?" _she gave him her best doleful eyes. _"I'll do the rest; it's just that fish guts make me feel queasy. Stupid, huh?"_

_ "Not at all" _was the toneless reply, he would have preferred to stay in his room and brood but he knew that the beautiful woman in front of him would not take no for an answer. He put it down to the fact that he was tired but the nagging feeling that he was starting to develop feelings for her grew stronger by the hour. He followed her from the room, his head down as he realised that if he acted on his feelings toward her that she would become a victim to his cruel and harsh world too. He only prayed that he was strong enough to fight his growing need for her.


	28. Chapter 28

**I've decided to turn the angst up a notch or two...**

They sat and ate dinner in silence; Calleigh had finished her meal and looked over to Horatio only to find him pushing the food around his plate, seemingly lost in thought. _"What are you thinking about?" s_he asked as his fork stilled, he looked up at her. _"Please Horatio, let me in. I can help you if you let me"_

He took a few moments and then placed his knife and fork down on the table, _"I'm tired, Calleigh" _She opened her mouth to reply but he spoke again before she had the chance to say anything. _"I'm tired of being alone"_

_ "But you're not alone, why can't you see that?"_

_ "I am alone. Look at me; I'm a middle-aged man with no wife and a kid that is on the other side of the world. I'm meant to be alone"_

_ "You have Alex, Eric and all of the people at the lab. They love you, Horatio" _she said, trying to get him to understand.

He raised his gaze to look at her, _"And what about you, Calleigh?"_

His stare was making her feel slightly uncomfortable, had he noticed the way she had been looking at him over the last few days? Had he noticed her kissing him on the cheek? _"I…I…I care for you a lot" _she stuttered as she tried to find the right words.

He rubbed a tired hand over his face and through his hair, _"What am I to you?"_

_ "Oh God" _she thought, _"Do I tell him the truth, could he handle it right now?" _She took a deep breath before answering, _"You mean a lot to me, Horatio. I don't know what I'd do without you" _She hoped she had done enough to answer his query without divulging the true depths of her feelings for him.

He couldn't help but feel disappointed, and then he felt silly for misreading the signals that she had been giving him. _"She's not interested in you, old man. Once this week is up she'll go back to her own life_. _A life that you don't have any place in" _He closed his eyes as the voices taunted him again, _"She doesn't love you, who would ever love someone like you?"_

It took her surprise when he suddenly stood up from his chair, the scraping noise of wood on linoleum shocked her from her reverie. _"Horatio, what's the matter?" _she got up from her own chair and started to walk around to his side of the table. She placed a hand on his arm, _"What's wrong?"_

_ "Please, Calleigh. Just leave it, I need some time to think" _he gently disengaged himself from her and walked into the lounge.

As she went about clearing the dinner plates and placing them in the sink she mulled over their conversation. Why hadn't she just been honest with him and told him how she really felt? Was worrying about his emotional state just an excuse not to confess her true feelings? She berated herself for being too cowardly, afraid that she would be knocked back by the man that she had grown to love so deeply. So what if he didn't feel the same? He had been through a lifetimes worth of heartache in a few short days, her broken heart would seem inconsequential in comparison. _"Go in there and be honest with him" _she told herself, trying to find the courage to lay her soul bare to him.

She walked through in to the lounge with more confidence than she actually felt, _"Hey, handsome" s_he said as she sat next to him on the couch. His body radiated tension; she could feel it coming off him in waves.

_"You haven't called me that in years" _he observed his hands clasped together and elbows resting on his knees.

_"You're still as handsome as the day I met you" _she said, hoping that he would read her meaning without her having to spell it out to him.

He stood up quickly and walked over to the bay window, _"Calleigh, you need to stop doing that" _his voice was barely a whisper.

_"Doing what? I don't understand"_

He sighed deeply and tried to get his roiling emotions under control, _"Stop playing games with me"_

_ "I don't know what you mean" _she said innocently, even though she knew what he was talking about.

_"Yes you do. I'm warning you now, stop it. I can't take it anymore" _he growled.

She stood up and walked over to where he was standing, _"I care for you a lot, Horatio" _she tried to calm him.

_"Stop saying that!" _she physically jumped as he shouted; he turned his back to her and took several deep breaths to calm himself. _"You need to tell me the truth. What am I to you?"_

_ "I'm not sure now is the right time to be talking about this" _she replied evasively.

His voice rose again, _"It's exactly the right time to be talking about it. What happens next week when we go back to work, are you just going to go back to giving me the cold shoulder?"_

_ "Cold shoulder?" _she repeated, unable to believe what he was saying. _"Since when have I given you the cold shoulder?" _her voice rose, indignant at what he was accusing her of.

_"Since I married Marisol" _he turned to look at her, he could see that he had upset her yet he felt powerless to stop himself. _"What did I do, Calleigh? What did I do to ruin our friendship? I thought we were close"_

_ "We were" _she said before correcting herself, _"We are"_

He laughed bitterly, _"Please. You haven't cared about me for years. All the times I needed a friend, where were you. Where were any of you?" _His heart broke at the pained look on her face, he was hurting her and yet he couldn't stop himself from driving his point home. One final push and then they would all leave him alone, for good. _"I needed you and you abandoned me"_

Her bottom lip quivered, she knew he was lashing out in spite. Jeff had warned her that he was likely to push those closest to him away but she still couldn't hide the hurt from her face as his verbal barrages hit home. She steeled herself to fight fire with fire, _"This isn't all about you!" _she shouted. It had the desired effect as he looked at her, stunned. _"You were the one who pushed us away. Pushed me away. Don't act like you're the only wounded party here. Have you any idea what Alex and I have been through these past few days?" _He opened his mouth to respond but she would not give him the chance, his verbal attack had ignited a fire deep within in her and now it was raging out of control. _"What do you want me to say to you? That it'll all be alright, that life is all puppies and roses? Well it's not, life sucks and we have to live with it. You're not the only one who has pain in their life!"_

_ "Calleigh, I….."_

_ "No, you don't get to attack me like that and then walk away as if nothing has happened! What about me, don't you think I'm lonely too?"_

If he was being honest with himself he had never actually given a second thought to her feelings of pain and loneliness. _"Calleigh, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it"_his cheeks coloured in shame as he saw a few stray tears run down her cheeks.

She tried to compose herself, _"You want the truth?" _she pierced him with her steely gaze. He gulped slightly and nodded his head, unsure of what to expect. _"God, you infuriate me sometimes! You make me so mad that I could throttle you. You're so out of sorts at the moment that you can't see what's staring you in the face" _He looked at her puzzled, _"How's this for honesty? I love you"_

He stood there nonplussed, looking for all the worlds as if he had just been slapped. He was sure he had misheard her, _"I'm sorry?"_

She grabbed him by both arms and looked him in the eyes, _"I love you, Horatio Caine" _Staring in to her emerald eyes he could not deny the sincerity in her words, but he just could not understand why someone as brilliant and beautiful as her would want anything to do with a washed-up old man like him.


	29. Chapter 29

**I have a feeling DuCaine fans will enjoy this chapter...**

He swallowed nervously, finding it hard to comprehend what she had just said. She didn't love him, she couldn't love him. He was a broken and twisted man with nothing to offer her except more pain and misery. _"You don't mean it, Calleigh. You're confused" _he told her, trying to convince her as well as himself.

_"No I'm not. I've never been surer of anything in my life, I love you"_

_ "You're tired, stressed…." _He tried to think of as many reasons as he could not to believe what she was saying. She was mistaken, surely?

_"I loved you the day I met you and I've fallen in love with you a little more with each day that passes" _she smiled softly at him, radiating sincerity.

_"You can't love someone like me, I've nothing to offer you. I'm broken" _He returned his gaze to the floor.

_"I don't care" _she told him with conviction, _"It doesn't matter to me whether you're broken, I love you just the way you are"_

He closed his eyes and willed himself not to believe her, _"You don't know the real me" _he was fast running out of excuses as he tried to stop himself from caving in to her.

_"I've seen the real you, Horatio. I don't care what you think you've done or how damaged you are, you complete me"_

He felt the walls closing in around him, surely this couldn't be happening? It must be another of his nightmares, what if he was stuck in this dream with no way out. He had no way to tell if this was real or fantasy, he bolted from the room and got away from her as fast as he could. He had made it to the hallway before her soft voice stopped him in his tracks, _"It doesn't matter where you run to, I'll find you"_

He took a deep breath and climbed the stairs two at a time; he shut himself away in his room and sat on the bed with his head in his hands. _"It's just a dream. It's just a dream" _he told himself over and over. As nightmares went this had to be the worst one he had ever experienced, the pain he felt at being tortured by his deepest and darkest desires. _"This isn't real" _he started to repeat to himself.

She didn't know what to do at first; she just looked at the spot he had been standing in moments before. She had admitted her feelings for him and now she feared that she had pushed him over the edge. He was already emotionally unstable; he didn't need to hear her declaring her undying love for him. _"How could you be so stupid?" _she berated herself, _"Now look what you've gone and done!" _She ran a shaky hand through her hair as she considered her next move.

* * *

_"It's now or never" _she muttered to herself as she slowly climbed the stairs, she took a couple of deep breaths before reaching out a shaky hand to open the door to his room. She walked in without thinking and without knocking; he didn't seem to have noticed her as he sat on the bed, his hands tightly gripping his head. _"Horatio?" s_he called out tentatively, he gave no sign that he had heard her. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, it was only then she could hear the mantra that he was repeating to himself under his breath. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out, seeing him in such pain. She realised that he thought he was in the middle of some cruel and twisted nightmare, that everything she had just said must not be real.

_"It's just a dream. It's not real" _he repeated as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

She placed her arm around his shoulder and tried to gently pull him towards her, _"This is real, Horatio. I'm right here with you" _she crooned as she rubbed her hand up and down his arm. _"Feel that? That's me holding on to you and I'm never going to let you go"_

He raised his head to look at her, _"No. It can't be real, this isn't happening" _He shook his head as if doing so would make the apparition in front of him disappear.

_"This isn't a dream. It's real. I'm right here with you" _She was at a loss for what else to say to make him believe her. Suddenly it came to her; she placed both of her hands on his face and brought it closer to hers. _"Would you feel this if you were dreaming?" s_he asked him as she placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

He sat there, unable to move as his brain registered the feeling of Calleigh's soft lips on his. Slowly the fog cleared from his mind and he realised that she had just kissed him and it had been real, not a figment of his imagination. _"Calleigh?"_

_ "You with me?" _she asked, trying to ascertain whether he understood what had just happened, _"Do you believe I'm real now?" _He could not find the words to answer her and so settled for nodding his head as best he could as she continued to hold it in her hands.

_"I think I'm going mad" _he muttered to no one in particular, he closed his eyes and could not help the wave of relief that washed over him when he opened them again and found her still sitting next to him.

_"You're not going mad, Horatio" s_he reassured him as she let go of his face, _"You're exhausted and you need to rest. Stay there" _she told him as she got up from the bed and left the room. She came back a few moments later with a small box in her hand; he didn't even have to look at it to know what it was. She carefully popped a pill from the packet and handed it to him, _"Horatio, please don't fight me. Take this and get some real sleep" _

He looked at her doubtfully, aware that he agreed to take the pills for one night when she pleaded with him to earlier this evening. Now that the time had come to actually make good on his promise he suddenly felt uneasy, he could feel his pulse pounding in his ears as his heart rate increased. _"Pull yourself together you old fool" _he admonished himself, he had stared death in the face countless times and never wavered. Why then was a harmless looking sleeping pill more frightening than any vicious criminal he'd ever faced? _"Because you won't be in control anymore" _a voice in his head told him. What would happen when he was unconscious and defenceless?

She could see the internal struggle taking place in Horatio's mind as he stared at the pill in her hand. The moment seemed to stretch for eternity until he finally relented and took it from her. She handed him a glass of water as he placed the medication on his tongue, he gave her a wary look and took a gulp of water. _"No way back now" _he told himself as he swallowed it down along with a mouthful of water.

_"Thank you" s_he whispered to him as she placed the glass back on the nightstand, _"Why don't you lay back and get yourself comfortable?" _He looked at her again, unsure at first. Finally he removed his shoes and lay back on the bed, his head resting on the pillows. She followed suit and joined him on the bed, his body tensed as she reached her arms across him and pulled him closer but soon relaxed when she rubbed soothing circles on his back as he lay on his side facing her. _"Close your eyes when you're ready. I'll be right here when you wake up"_

He stayed wrapped in her warm embrace as time ticked by slowly, as the sun began to set and the natural light from the windows began to dim he felt his eyes become heavier. At first he tried to fight it but he found her voice and the hypnotic circles she was rubbing on his back were sending him closer to oblivion as each minute passed. The last image he saw before sleep claimed him was her beautiful face gazing back at him, radiating love.


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks for the great reviews, here's the next part for you:**

She stayed that way for hours, holding on to him as he slept soundly next to her. She watched as the tension left his body and he finally relaxed for the first time in God knows how many weeks. She was afraid to close her eyes in case something happened and she could not make good on her promise to protect him as he slept. She told herself that she would be right next to him when he woke up; she just had no idea when that would be.

She glanced at him and took hope from the peaceful expression on his face, the lines around his eyes and mouth had softened and it made him look younger than he had in years. She put the fact that he had hardly moved a muscle since falling asleep down to the effect of the medication; there was no sign that the dreams that had haunted him were able to still reach him when he was this deeply asleep. She prayed that his mind had switched off and left him in a peaceful state of nothingness and that he would get the rest that he so badly needed.

By midnight Calleigh felt her own eyelids getting heavy, she tried to fight the feeling, wanting nothing more than to lay next to him forever and watch him sleep peacefully. She held him as he lay completely still on the bed, his soft breathing the only indication that he was still alive. She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and was not surprised when he didn't stir. She placed her head back down on her pillow and let sleep claim her.

* * *

Calleigh slowly woke from her peaceful slumber; she rubbed a hand over her face and lifted her arm to look at her watch. Her eyes widened as she saw what time it was, _11.35am _it read. She look over to Horatio and found him in exactly the same position he had been in all night, he had literally not moved a muscle. Once the haze of sleepiness lifted her bladder let it be known that it needed emptying. She gently untangled herself from Horatio and made her way to the bathroom, she took a look at herself in the mirror and was pleased to see that a decent night's sleep had worked wonders for the dark circles that had begun to form under her eyes. She was beside herself with joy when she realised that they had both had a night of unbroken sleep with no demons haunting her beloved Horatio.

Bladder emptied she returned to the bedroom, a small smile crossed her face when she saw that he had not moved since she had left the bed. She walked around to his side and gently ran her hand through his hair; she knew that Horatio would need to go to the toilet at some point too. She didn't want to wake him but she thought it would be preferable and less embarrassing than him having an accident on the bed. She placed a kiss on his cheek and whispered softly in his ear, _"Wake up, Horatio" _When he did not respond she tried again and shook his shoulder, he groaned slightly and tried to open his eyes. _"It's me, Horatio. You need to wake up, just for a few minutes"_

He felt as though he were made of stone, even opening his eyes seemed like hard work. His body felt like it weighed a tonne, he tried to raise a hand to his face but found his arm uncooperative. He swallowed several times, trying to get rid of the furry feeling of his tongue in his mouth, _"Cal…..Call…..eigh" _he slurred as he tried to get his mouth to work. He felt his eyelids getting heavier again and was fast returning to the blissful expanse of nothingness that had cocooned him all night.

Seeing that he was losing his battle to keep his eyes open she shook him again and spoke louder. _"Horatio. Come on, let's get you up for a few minutes and then you can go back to sleep" _She shook him a little harder this time and it seemed to get his attention, she saw his eyes make a valiant attempt to focus on her.

_"Calleigh" _he breathed as his pupils began to dilate and he lost focus of her beautiful face, the lure of sleep being too much for him to fight.

She knew that she needed to take affirmative action; she rolled him on to his back and took hold of both of his arms just above his wrists. _"Horatio, you need to get up for me" _She pulled as hard as she could and got him in to a sitting position, she held him there with one hand as she reached for the glass of water on the nightstand with the other. He was wobbling and was teetering precariously back towards the pillows, she gripped him harder and placed the glass in front of his face. He looked at her confused, _"Drink it" _she told him, figuring it was better to keep the commands simple. He reached out a shaky hand and made a grab for the glass, he missed it the first time but with a little help from Calleigh he managed to take it on the second attempt. She held on to his hand that was holding the glass and helped him to raise it to his mouth. She imagined that he probably had no idea where his mouth was at the moment let alone where he was or what he was doing.

The thirst-quenching drink of water seemed to bring him back to his senses a little; he lifted a wobbly hand to his head and ran it over his face. He turned to look at her, _"Calleigh, what time is it?" _

She took the glass from him and placed it back on the nightstand, _"It's time you went to the bathroom" _she told him as she started to pull him from the bed. He showed no resistance to her movements as he rose from the bed, she held him in place for a few moments as he swayed on his feet. _"Thank God he doesn't drink alcohol" _she thought to herself as she walked him across the room to the en-suite bathroom. When they got there he looked at her puzzled, unsure of what he was supposed to do next. _"Use the bathroom" _she prompted as she gently pushed him in and closed the door behind him.

She sat back down on the bed and let out a long sigh, things had moved so quickly over the last few days that she had not had time to take stock of what had happened. She made a mental note to ring Jeff soon to let him know that Horatio was in no fit state for another session at the moment, she hoped that Jeff would be pleased that she had finally got him to take the pills and that the events of the past twenty four hours had been a step in the right direction in regards to Horatio's recovery.

Ten minutes had passed and Calleigh heard no movement from the bathroom, she began to worry that Horatio might have fallen and hurt himself. She walked over to the door and knocked on it, _"Horatio. Everything ok in there?" _Silence was his response; fear gnawed at her telling her that something was wrong. _"Horatio, I'm coming in to check on you" _She took a calming breath and braced herself as she opened the door.

She found him staring at his reflection in the mirror; she glanced down at the toilet and was satisfied that he had relieved himself. She placed a hand on his arm closest to her and spoke softly to him. _"Come on handsome, let's get you back to bed" _As her words penetrated the mental fog around him he slowly shook his head and gazed at her with unfocussed eyes, she rolled hers and began guiding him from the bathroom and back towards the bed. He followed her willingly and she knew that there would be no way he could get himself back down on the bed under his own steam.

He cooperated as best he could, he felt as if his head was wrapped in cotton wool and his vision was blurred around the edges. He could hear Calleigh taking to him but for most of the time it sounded muffled and he struggled to understand what she was saying. Sleep was calling him once more as Calleigh guided his head back down to the pillow; she sat on the bed next to him and stroked a hand through his hair. The movement was sending Horatio hurtling back towards that blissful oblivion, he closed his eyes and floated away, safe in the knowledge that his angel was by his side.


	31. Chapter 31

**Here's the next part for you:**

She sat stroking his head until she was sure that he was deeply asleep once more, once she was satisfied that he was she got up from the bed and drew the covers up to his shoulders. He did not move at all and so Calleigh left the room and shut the door quietly behind her. She walked across to the guest bedroom and laid out fresh clothes on the bed. She gathered her toiletries and walked to the bathroom to have a shower.

The steaming hot water felt good on her weary bones, she moved her neck from side to side to work out the kinks of the last few days. She felt the tension leave her body as she enjoyed a long and relaxing shower, safe in the knowledge that Horatio was sleeping peacefully.

* * *

After showering and getting dressed Calleigh made her way downstairs to the kitchen, she felt more invigorated than she had in days and put it down to the fact that she had a decent night's sleep for the first time in a week, no longer worrying that Horatio would wake up screaming. She went about making a coffee for herself whilst mulling on what to do during the day, it was obvious that Horatio would in all likelihood sleep most of the day away. _"Good" s_he thought to herself, _"He needs it" _She silently prayed that the deep, restful sleep he was getting would help alleviate some his depression and that when he next woke he would start to see things in a new light, _"Start to see me in a new light" _she told herself hopefully.

Calleigh sat down at the kitchen table with her cell phone, she took the card that Jeff had given her from her purse and dialled his number, taking a sip of coffee as she waited for him to answer.

_"Jeff Pearce" _the psychologist answered cheerfully.

_"Hi, Jeff. It's Calleigh"_

_ "Hello, Calleigh. How did things go last night?"_

She paused before answering, unsure of how much she should divulge to him. _"I finally got him to take one, he's upstairs sleeping"_

_ "Wow, good work Calleigh. I kind of figured that was the case when I didn't get a call earlier this morning"_

She blushed at his words even though he couldn't see her, _"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I must have overslept"_

_ "Don't' worry about it; I'm glad that you're getting some rest too. How do you feel this morning?"_

She took a few moments to think about the question, _"Good. Horatio slept soundly last night, he barely moved a muscle. I guess I hadn't realised how much this is affecting me too"_

_ "Horatio's leaning on you pretty heavily at the moment so you're bound to feel the strain. You need to make sure you look after yourself as well as him"_

_ "I can't tell you how much better I feel for knowing that Horatio is resting properly. Do you think that it'll change his mind set when he wakes up?" _she asked Jeff hopefully, praying that the answer would be yes.

_"One would hope so, Calleigh. You do need to be prepared for the worst though, one decent night of sleep won't change the way he feels instantly. You need to give him time"_

_ "About his sleep" _she started as she absent-mindedly chewed on a fingernail, _"I woke him up earlier to go to the toilet but he still seems pretty woozy. Is that normal?"_

Jeff laughed softly before replying, _"Considering that he's not used to taking any medications and the fact that he's physically exhausted I'm not surprised that he's still dosed up to the eyeballs. His body is not used to the drugs and they'll knock him for six until the body learns to metabolise them quicker"_

_ "But what should I do, just let him sleep it off?"_

Again Jeff laughed good-naturedly, _"We've spent the last week trying to get him to sleep properly, and we should thank God that he's getting it. I wouldn't be too concerned if he spends the rest of the day sleeping, just keep doing what you're doing and try to get him to have a drink of water or eat something every now and then"_

_ "But what about his concussion?"_

_ "Again, sleep is probably the best thing for his head right now. It's been a week since he injured it so I can't see there being any complications. Calleigh, don't worry. You're doing everything right"_

She felt better for hearing Jeff's reassuring words, _"Thanks. I think I needed to hear that"_

_ "No problem. I take it you're ringing me to say that you don't need me to come round today?"_

She mentally smacked herself on the head for forgetting the original reason for her phone call. _"Yes sorry, Jeff. I don't think he's going to be in any shape for another session today"_

_ "That's fine. When he wakes tell him I'll see him tomorrow at ten o'clock sharp"_

_ "Ok, I will do" _Calleigh said her goodbyes and put the phone back on the table, she took another swig of her coffee, unsure of what to do with the rest of the day. She thought about leaving the house and going to the supermarket to stock up on groceries but rejected the idea. She had promised Horatio that she would be there with him when he woke up, she did not like the thought of him waking up to an empty house. She cast her eye around the kitchen and realised that she had not even started the odd jobs around the house that she had promised herself that she would do this week. _"No time like the present" _she told herself as she tried to work up the enthusiasm to move from the chair.

* * *

It was early afternoon when her cell phone rang, she didn't recognise the number but answered the call anyway, fully prepared to tell the cold-caller to get lost and leave her alone. _"Hello?" s_he answered as she blew her hair away from her face.

_"Calleigh? It's me, Kyle"_

Her heart started pounding and she tried desperately to get it under control before answering, _"Kyle, how are you? Is everything ok?" _she asked in a wobbly voice.

_"I'm fine, it's Dad that I'm worried about. I rang Eric the other day and he said Dad was ill but I can't get any answer from him. I'm worried something's happened to him" _she could hear the trepidation in the young man's voice. His relationship with his father had got off to a rocky start but it was clear to see that Kyle had grown very attached to his father over the last few years.

She wasn't sure what she should say, if Kyle heard the truth about his father then he would be on the first plane back to the states Army or not. She thought it best to repeat the lie she and Alex had created, _"Eric rang me yesterday and told me, I went over to check on him and he's ok Kyle, you don't need to worry"_

_ "But why isn't he answering his phone?" _Kyle's tone was insistent, she smiled to herself when she realised how much father and son were alike.

_"The antibiotics he's on are doing a number on him, he's pretty much asleep most of the time" _she knew that the last part of that sentence was actually the truth at this moment in time.

_"If he's that ill shouldn't someone be looking after him?"_

_ "Kyle, don't worry" _she said in as reassuring a tone as possible, _"I've been going in to check on him three times a day. Give it a few more days and I'm sure he'll be back to himself" _She hoped the last part of that was true.

_"Ok" _the young man replied, not entirely convinced. _"Look, I've got to get off the satellite phone now. Will you tell Dad to drop me an email as soon as he's feeling better so we can arrange another Skype? I miss him" _Calleigh felt her heart sink when she heard the sadness in his voice. Horatio needed to know just how much the people around him cared for him.

_"I promise you I will. Be careful out there, Kyle. Come home safe"_

_ "Always" _he said in a tone that reminded Calleigh so much of the man upstairs asleep in her bedroom.


	32. Chapter 32

**Due to work commitments and feeling quite under the weather at the moment this may be the last chapter I post until Tuesday. We shall just have to wait and see.**

Calleigh's stomach rumbled a few hours later and she realised that she had not had anything to eat since dinner last night. She saw it as a perfect excuse to down tools and head back towards the kitchen to make herself another cup of coffee. She considered making Horatio one too but thought better of it, as the coffee was percolating she walked over to the fridge to see what she could make for dinner. She realised that she was low on supplies and would need to make a trip to the supermarket tomorrow to restock. She pulled various ingredients from the fridge and set about throwing something together. She hummed happily to herself as she prepared the meal whilst taking gulps of coffee to keep her energy levels up.

An hour later and satisfied with what she had created she sat down at the dining table with her meal, she had dished up enough for Horatio too and had placed his in the oven so that she could take it up to him later on. As she ate she thought about Horatio and what he had been through in the last week, it had undoubtedly been the toughest seven days of his life but instead of pushing them apart it had only brought them closer. She hoped that when he woke tomorrow morning that he would accept her feelings towards him and maybe even reciprocate them.

After finishing her meal and placing the dirty dishes in the sink she took the food out of the oven and prepared a tray to take up to Horatio. Making her way upstairs she took comfort in the fact that she had not heard movement from his room for hours and took this as a sign that he was still asleep. She knocked on the door quietly and entered the room, she smiled as she saw that he was in exactly the position she had left him in earlier. Placing the tray on the chest of drawers she made her way over to the bed and sat next to him, content to listen to him breathing softly before attempting to wake him up. She placed a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently, _"Horatio. Wake up, handsome"_

He shifted slightly and groaned; Calleigh shook him and spoke to him once more. He gradually opened his eyes and grimaced at the artificial light in the room. _"Urgh. What time is it, Calleigh?" _he asked her, still clearly confused but thankfully much more coherent than he had been this morning.

_"5.30pm. You've been asleep most of the day. How do you feel?"_

He raised a shaky hand to his head and ran it over his face a couple of times in an effort to wake himself up, _"Tired"_

She laughed softly, _"Jeff said you'd probably feel like that. Did you sleep well?" _she prayed that he would say yes.

He considered the question for a moment or two before answering, _"I remember looking at your beautiful face last night, the next thing I remember is this"_

She blushed at his words before asking him tentatively, _"No bad dreams?"_

_"No. None that I can remember anyway" _he gave her a wry smile, the first genuine smile he had given her in months. He continued to look at her, captivated by her natural beauty. He knew he was lucky to have such an angel in his life. He hadn't treated her well recently, she had borne the brunt of his anger and despair and yet still she held firm, refusing to let him go.

She saw his gaze lose focus and knew that he was thinking to himself; she placed a hand on his arm to bring him back to reality. _"I've brought you some dinner. You haven't eaten since yesterday and so I figured you'd be hungry by now"_

Now that he thought about it he realised that his stomach felt empty and that for the first time in days he was actually genuinely hungry. He sniffed the air as the aroma from the plate filled the room, _"It smells delicious, Calleigh. What is it?"_

Her heart soared; the man that had woken this evening was completely different from the one she crooned to bed last night. There seemed to be new life in him, she cautioned herself not to get carried away but took hope from the fact that he seemed a bit more like his old self. _"Paella" _she answered him, giving him a beautiful smile as she gazed at his face.

He sat up carefully in bed, still feeling woozy from the drugs. _"You didn't have to bring it up, I would have come downstairs" _He began throwing the sheets off the bed in an effort to get up when her firm hand on his chest stopped him in his tracks. He looked at her puzzled.

_"Stay there" s_he told him in her most authoritive tone, _"Let me bring it over to you" _He was about to protest until she shot him a warning look. Placing the tray on his lap she handed him the fork, _"Eat slowly, there's no rush"_

Their fingers touched as he took the fork from her, he was sure that they both felt the jolt of electricity as their bodies made contact with each other. Horatio looked up from the tray and in to her eyes as he gulped deeply, _"Thank you" _he said in a wavering voice, _"For everything"_

She refused to break the eye contact between them, _"Anything for you, Horatio" _The moment stretched, finally she looked down at his plate. _"Eat it before it gets cold" _He reluctantly returned his gaze to the plate and methodically ate his dinner, taking his time savouring the taste of the food. Once he was finished he looked up at her, she took the tray away and handed him a large glass of water. _"Drink this. I don't want you getting dehydrated" _He said nothing and obediently followed her commands. Draining the glass of its contents he handed it back to her and could not help yawning. _"You need to lie back down"_

He shook his head slightly and groaned as the room spun, _"I've spent all day in bed. I should get up" _He made a move to get out of the bed but once again her hand on his chest stopped him.

_"The furthest I'm letting you go is to the bathroom, then you're going straight back to bed" _Her tone signalled that it was not up for debate.

Looking up from the arm on his chest he raised an eyebrow at her, _"Would you mind letting me up then, so I can go?"_

She sighed in exasperation, _"What did I just say?"_

Placing a hand over hers he tried again, _"I meant so that I could go to the toilet"_

Her free hand flew to her mouth, _"Oh gosh. Sorry, yes" _she took her hand away and stood up from the bed. Taking him gently by the hands and helping him to stand from the bed he tried to protest that he could manage by himself but stopped himself when he felt the room spin. _"Take your time, Horatio. There's no rush"_

Giving her a small nod he carefully made his way to the bathroom, glad to have Calleigh holding on to him to keep him steady. After five minutes she heard the toilet flush, Horatio opened the door before grabbing on to it to keep him from falling. Rushing over to him she caught him by the arm, _"Easy tiger, let's get you back to bed"_

Guiding him back to the bed she got him settled against the pillows and made herself comfortable on the other side of the bed. _"Close your eyes, Horatio. You'll feel more like your old self in the morning"_

He rubbed wearily at his eyes, _"I'm not tired" _he tried to protest as he felt the lure of sleep coming to claim him once more; he tried to stifle a yawn but failed. He forced himself to keep his eyes open but knew he was fighting a losing battle; he took a deep breath before blackness enveloped him in its comforting embrace.

Once he was asleep Calleigh got up from the bed and walked across the hall to collect the book she had been reading. She hadn't even looked at it in days but felt relaxed enough to give it another go. She walked back in to Horatio's room and shut the door quietly behind her. He hadn't moved so returning to her spot next to him she kicked her shoes off and leant back against the headboard. Stealing glances at him every so often to check that he was ok she felt her own eyelids growing heavy after a few hours. She slid further down the bed with her head on the pillows attempting to get comfortable, before she knew it she too had slipped in to a peaceful slumber.


	33. Chapter 33

**Sorry for the delay in getting the next chapter ready. I still am not feeling too great but I have managed to get some writing done over the last few days. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed and to those who have sent me their good wishes, it means so much to me :-)**

Opening his eyes slowly he became aware that it was now daylight, he looked across and saw Calleigh still sleeping peacefully beside him. He allowed himself a small smile before carefully getting up from the bed; Calleigh murmured at the movement but did not wake. He took one final look at her before he left the room and walked quietly down the stairs. As he entered the kitchen he could see the bright rays of the sun streaming in through the window and was surprised to find that he didn't feel quite as hopeless as he had earlier this week.

Walking over to the coffee pot, Horatio went about preparing enough of the beverage for two people. It seemed pathetic in contrast to the amount Calleigh had done for him over the past week and he promised himself he would do more to make it up to her. It had been an emotionally exhausting week for him and he could only imagine what it had been like for those around him, he felt guilty for putting them through so much, he still felt like he didn't deserve their loyalty but he would do his best to make sure that their efforts to save him hadn't been in vain.

* * *

Consciousness returned slowly to her, the last thing she remembered was reading her book. Looking down she realised that the paperback must have fallen from her grip at some point during the night. She turned to her side and fully expected to see Horatio next to her, deeply asleep. Her eyes widened as she realised that he was not there and a small gasp escaped her lips, her thoughts ran wild as she pictured him doing something reckless or stupid. Getting up from the bed as quickly as she could she almost ran to the bathroom, her heart sank when she saw that he was not in there. _"Think, Calleigh. Where would he go?" _she stood with her hands on her hips, trying to calm herself and think clearly. It was then that she heard movement on the stairs, racing to the door she opened it fully prepared to chase him back into the house before he had the chance to get away from her. Stopping dead in her tracks, she saw him climbing the stairs with two steaming cups of coffee in his hands. She placed a hand on her chest in an effort to calm her racing heart, _"My God, Horatio. Why didn't you wake me? I thought something terrible had happened to you!" _she admonished him in a harsher tone than she intended.

Looking down at the ground he answered her, _"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. You were still asleep and I thought it was the least I could do after everything that's happened this week" _

_ "No. I'm sorry, Horatio. Guess I'm just a bit on edge" s_he said as her cheeks coloured in shame, he glanced up at her shyly as she gave him a warm smile. He continued up the stairs and handed her a cup. Taking a large gulp she smiled her gratitude at him, _"Thanks. I needed this"_

_ "It's not much but it's a start. I have a lot of making up to do to you, to Alex, to everyone" _his voice trailed off as he stood on the landing next to her.

She had been through this conversation with him countless times before and decided it would be better to change the subject. _"How do you feel this morning?"_

Walking in to the bedroom with Calleigh following behind him he placed the cup down on the nightstand before answering. _"Better, I think. I can't remember the last time I slept that well" _He sat himself down on the bed and turned his head to face her, _"It's hard to describe, I'm not deliriously happy but I don't feel quite as low as I did. Does that make any sense?"_

She sat down next to him and placed a hand on his thigh, giving it a light squeeze, _"Yes, it does. You look a bit more like you're old self this morning and believe me, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say that again"_

He placed a hand over hers, _"I've not exactly been at my best these last few days" _he told her shyly, _"I'm sorry that I've put you through this" _He looked away again, not wanting to meet her gaze.

_"Don't ever say you're sorry. It was my choice to do this, I'm just glad that you let me in"_

He looked up at her now, catching her eyes with a piercing look. _"Did you mean what you said the other night?"_

His question caught her off guard, _"Which part? We did quite a bit of taking" s_he responded thinking back to the night when both of their emotions came to a head and which led to a heated argument.

His voice was barely a whisper as he spoke but Calleigh could not mistake the hopefulness in his tone, _"That you love me"_

She didn't even have to think before responding, _"Of course I meant it. Broken or not, I love you"_

His grip on her hand tightened, _"Calleigh. I'm not sure I could handle being in a relationship right now. You deserve better than me"_

_ "I don't care. I'll wait for as long as I have to, I told you that I'm not going anywhere and I mean it. Do you love me?" s_he asked with trepidation, afraid that his response would be a no.

Silence stretched between them before he answered, _"Yes. I want to let you in completely but I'm not sure how. I wouldn't blame you if you lost patience with me and left me to my own devices"_

She leant over and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, _"How about we just take things one step at a time then. No pressure" _He turned his head to face her again and nodded his head before she placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

Breaking away from the physical contact she looked him up and down, _"As much as I love you Horatio, you could do with a shower"_

He looked down at his rumpled clothes and let out a small laugh, _"Guess I do. That's what happens when you spend the best part of two days in bed"_

Glancing over to the bathroom she told him, _"Go and have a long, hot shower and I'll go and prepare breakfast" _He nodded, pulled himself up from the bed and entered the bathroom, once she heard the shower turn on she got up herself and made her way to the kitchen.

* * *

Calleigh entered the kitchen with a spring in her step, Horatio still wasn't back to normal but he was acting much more like his old self. She knew that he still had a long road to travel but she took hope from the fact that he was no longer walking around the house like a zombie. For the first time in days she felt like she was actually making a difference to him, he had even been thoughtful enough to bring her a cup of coffee this morning.

Her face lit up when he walked in to the kitchen, he had showered and shaved and looked better than he had in days. The haunted look in his eyes had been lessened and the bruises on his face had faded to the point where she could barely see them. The only reminders of that fateful night were the bandages on his hands, they had become soaked in the shower and he was now methodically unwinding them, wincing every now and again when he applied pressure to a still-tender area. He looked up and saw her watching him, _"Think they're nearly healed" _he said as he showed her. The swelling had gone down considerably and the bruises had turned a light brown colour.

_"Come and sit down" s_he told him as she watched him throw the soiled bandages in the bin, _"I've made eggs and toast"_

He followed her commands and sat at the dining table as she placed a plate in front of him, he smiled his thanks as he tucked in to the food. _"I could get used to your cooking" _he teased around a mouthful of egg.

Blushing slightly she looked back down to her own plate and began to eat, _"Jeff will be coming over at ten o'clock"_

His knife and fork stilled, _"Ok" _he said succinctly.

_"He's been a big help this week, Horatio. You know things won't change overnight"_

He said nothing for a few moments, letting out a deep breath he finally replied, _"I know. I wish they could"_

_ "You'll get through this. We'll get through this" _she corrected herself, he looked at her hopefully. _"Together"_


	34. Chapter 34

**I'm hoping that this will be the first of two chapters today, to make up for the gap over the last couple of days**

Once breakfast had been eaten Horatio stood up from his chair and collected the dirty plates and cutlery. Calleigh reached out a hand to stop him, _"You don't need to do that, I can manage" _she told him.

He smiled back at her and carried on collecting the crockery from the table, _"Please, Calleigh. I need to do something to make me feel useful"_

_ "Ok then, if you insist" _she got up from the table and walked over to the sink, _"You wash and I'll dry"_

He considered her offer as he turned the taps on and added detergent to the sink, _"Deal" _Nothing was said for a while as both of them went through the motions of washing and drying the dishes, his quiet voice made her jump when he finally spoke. _"What are your plans for today?"_

Once she had got her heartbeat back under control she answered him, _"I was going to take a trip to the supermarket, we're getting low on supplies"_

His hands stilled in the water, a wave of guilt washed over him as he realised that Calleigh had been feeding and watering him for the past week and he had given her nothing in return. _"Calleigh please let me give you some money towards the shopping"_

She gave him a soft smile as she dried another plate, _"Its fine, Horatio. It's not like you've actually ate a lot and besides, you don't have any money on you anyway"_

He realised that she was right, _"At least let me cook you dinner tonight, as a way of saying thank you"_

_ "Dinner would be lovely, just leave me a list of ingredients before you leave with Jeff this morning"_

He nodded his head and returned his attention back to the sink; he was not looking forward to the other man's visit. Jeff had been able to get past his well-constructed defences like no one else and it seemed like the man had an answer for everything. Time after time Jeff had outwitted and out-reasoned him, he knew it was just his ego talking but he felt embarrassed that the other man could get the better of him so easily.

The silence in the kitchen was broken by a knock at the front door, Horatio stood still. Seeing that the stubborn redhead was not going to move Calleigh put her cloth down, _"I'll get it then" s_he said quietly as she left the room.

Walking out in to the hallway Calleigh dried her hands on her trousers before opening the front door. She looked through the peephole and wasn't surprised at who she found standing there; opening the door she greeted him with a beaming smile, _"Jeff. Good morning"_

_ "Indeed" _he responded as he saw the good mood she was in, _"Things have been ok over the last few days?"_

She told herself not to get too excited but she couldn't help herself, _"Horatio seems more like his old self, I'm really hoping that he's turned a corner"_

He hated to rain on her parade but felt it his duty to warn her that things were far from over, _"Calleigh, it seems like you've made some good progress. There's still a lot of work to be done, you need to be patient with him. He's still likely to have lows and lash out at people"_

Her smile faltered, she knew he was right. _"I know_._ I just want him to be happy"_

Jeff walked across the threshold and placed his hands on both of her arms, _"He will, but it's going to take time. Don't expect too much too soon, that's all I'm saying" _Placing his bag down on the floor he asked her, _"Where is he, in the kitchen?" _She nodded as he walked past her.

Horatio was sitting at the dining table absent-mindedly playing with the frayed corner of the placemat. He looked up when he heard Jeff enter the room, _"Morning" _he said, trying to keep his tone pleasant.

_"Hello, Horatio. You certainly look better than I've seen you in days_" he smiled as he sat down next to him. Horatio nodded but said nothing, _"I take it the pills helped?"_

Horatio scowled at him, he hated that the other man had been right. Again. _"I suppose so"_

Undeterred, Jeff continued. _"Calleigh says you're feeling more like you're old self but I can see your dislike for shrinks hasn't improved" _Horatio glared at him but didn't take the bait, _"Guess you've had your fill of them during your life, eh?"_

Sighing deeply, Horatio responded, _"We've talked and I've slept properly, isn't that what you wanted?"_

_ "No, not really. I want you to come to terms with what's happened and then move on from it. You can't do that without talking about it and being honest"_

_ "I have been honest!" _he said, his voice rising. _"I've spilt my guts more to you than anyone else in my life"_

_ "But are you really being honest with yourself? Over the last few days I've heard a lot of excuses about why you push people away. Now comes the hard part, letting them in"_

He hated admitting it but he knew that Jeff was once again right, _"What do you suggest I do then?"_

_ "I suggest you start making an effort with your friends, start repaying some of that loyalty they've shown you by getting your life back together"_

_"And how am I supposed to do that?"_

_ "That's something you need to work out for yourself. Only you know what you want and what will make you truly happy"_

Horatio raised an eyebrow at the other man before scowling at him, _"That's not much help"_

Jeff smiled at him, _"I know. But what would be the point of therapy if I did all of the work for you?" _Horatio just stared at him and said nothing, _"Look, you're doing well so far. The job's only half done though"_

_ "And when will I know that it's done?"_

_"When you don't need me anymore" _Jeff replied, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest. _"We've got three more days before you go back to work. After that I suggest a session at least once a week"_

Jeff could not mistake the sparkle in Horatio's eyes when he mentioned going back to work, _"You mean you and Alex are planning to let me go back to the lab on Monday?" _the redhead asked, trying not to get his hopes up too much.

_"If by Saturday afternoon I'm reasonably satisfied that you're not going to be a danger to yourself or anyone else then I can't see why not"_

Horatio's heart sank a little, _"And what are my chances of that then?"_

The other man looked him up and down as he considered his answer, _"Let's see how we get on today and then I'll have a better answer for you"_

_ "And what do you have planned for us today?" _Horatio asked, trying to keep the bitterness out of his tone. He had hoped that Jeff would give him a clean bill of health and let him go about his business again and was disappointed when he realised that this would not be the case.

_"Something you mentioned on Wednesday. Today we're going back to your house" _Jeff looked up at the other man, concentrating on his response.

Horatio paled as the blood drained from his face, memories of that fateful evening a week ago assaulted his mind. He didn't want to go back and see the carnage he had created, he felt ashamed that he had lost control so badly. _"Are you sure that's a good idea?" _he said as he tried to keep his voice level.

_"Yes. If you're going to come to terms with what happened last week then you're going to have to face it head on" _Jeff was taking the hard line with him but he knew he had to keep pushing Horatio forward otherwise he would never move on. _"Now would be a good time for some of that legendary Horatio Caine stubbornness" _

He didn't trust his voice not to break and so settled for gulping deeply and nodding his head. He knew that it was now or never, he wanted to be able to move forward for Calleigh's sake if no one else's and he knew that he had to do this. _"Come on, Caine. Pull yourself together you old fool" _he told himself as he steeled himself for what was to come.


	35. Chapter 35

**As promised, here is today's second chapter:**

_"Don't look so worried" _Jeff said as he pulled in to the driveway of Horatio's home, he had studied him on the short drive over and noticed how he had returned to fidgeting and squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

_"I'm not" _Horatio growled in response as he unbuckled his seatbelt when the car came to a stop. He glared at the other man when he made no effort to move, _"Are we going in then or not?"_

Jeff knew that Horatio was once more going on the attack, the thought of re-entering his home a week after his meltdown was unnerving him. It was the man's typical response to anything that he felt threatened by, _"Ready when you are, Horatio"_

The redhead got out of the car and slammed the door closed hard; he stalked up to the front door and turned the handle. He felt embarrassed when he realised that the door was locked and that he did not have his keys on him. He glared at Jeff as he nonchalantly walked to the front door with a key dangling from his finger, _"I picked this up from Calleigh before we left; I figured we might need it"_

Horatio huffed in response, _"My things, they're all inside" _as he motioned to the house. _"Just unlock the door and let me in" _he said impatiently, wanting nothing more than to enter the house, get his belongings and leave as quickly as possible.

_"You need to be prepared, Horatio" _Jeff told him, trying to warn him of the tsunami of emotions that were likely to hit him once he entered the building.

_"For God's sake, stop patronising me and open the Goddamn door!" _

Shrugging his shoulders, Jeff unlocked the door and swung it open. _"Fine, have it your way" _He glanced back at Horatio and found him rooted to the spot, he could see the other man's eyes darting back and forth across the hallway, taking in the scene of utter devastation. _"I did try to warn you, you wanna come inside?" _When Horatio did not move Jeff placed a hand on his arm, causing the redhead to jump slightly, _"Come on, no good standing on the doorstep all day"_

He took a couple of faltering steps inside the house; his eyes scanned every corner, taking in the carnage that he had caused a week ago. Walking to the kitchen he took in the damage, visions of himself wreaking havoc in here assaulted him violently. Try as he could he was unable to remember what had triggered his anger; all he could remember were the feelings of rage and loathing at himself and the pitiful excuse for a man that he had become.

Jeff followed closely behind and watched as the emotions flickered across Horatio's face, he could see the way his eyes twitched and knew that the other man was reliving what had happened here. _"Can you remember what happened, what triggered your anger?"_

He said nothing for a while, trying desperately to get the images of his rampage out of his mind. _"I'm not sure" _he started as he ran a shaky hand through his hair, _"All I remember is feeling so full of rage, I was sick and tired of everything"_

Jeff walked further in to the room and began lifting pieces of plasterboard and looking underneath them, _"You'd been holding it in for so long, then you finally cracked" _he observed.

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply before responding, _"Yes. I'd gotten so used to burying my feelings but I was just so tired, I couldn't keep it up anymore" _he finished quietly, ashamed of himself.

_"So you took it out on your furniture and when that didn't work you started on yourself?"_

_ "Yes" _he whispered as his cheeks coloured in shame, _"The dreams, the voices, they were all hounding me. I just wanted it all to stop"_

_ "Well, we both know that they didn't. Did destroying the place help with the rage?"_

_ "No. I still felt the same way. Lost, angry and alone" _He picked up a broken piece of furniture and turned it over in his hands, _"I don't even remember much of those first few days, it all seems like a blur"_

_ "I'm not surprised; you were a real mess when I first saw you"_

He looked at the other man, _"And now?"_

_ "And now you're making progress, you're sleeping and your talking to the people that care about you. You're in a lot better place than when I met you on Sunday"_

_ "You must think I'm a real asshole" _Horatio said as he kicked at some dirt and dust on the floor, _"I've hardly been a joy to be with this week, have I?"_

_ "Believe me, you're a tough nut to crack but if I've learnt one thing about you it's that you're a good man. Sure, you can be a pain in the ass at times but I've actually enjoyed getting to know you"_

He raised his eyebrow, conveying to Jeff that he didn't really believe what he was saying. _"Really?"_

_ "Yes, really. You're not the horrible monster that you seem to think you are. There are a lot of people who love you and want to help you" _He placed the piece of plasterboard down and walked closer to Horatio, _"I need you to help me get some things from the car" _he said as gently took him by the arm and led him back the hallway.

_"Why?" _he asked as he followed Jeff out the front door. His face fell when the other man opened the trunk; he looked down and saw trash bags, brooms and mops. _"What are we doing with those?" _he asked even though he knew the answer.

Jeff looked up from the trunk as he responded; _"We're going to spend the day putting your house back together" _He smiled slightly at the look of shock on Horatio's face, _"You didn't expect the fairies to come and clean it all up did you?"_

He glared at the other man, _"No, of course not" _

_"Well then give me a hand getting this stuff in the house then and we'll crack on" _He said nothing as he snatched a broom out of Jeff's hands and stalked back in to the house. He knew he was acting like a child but he couldn't help it, Jeff had a way of getting under his skin and he hated it.

He found Horatio holding the broom and staring in to space as he walked back in to the kitchen, _"Here, put these on" _he said as he slapped a pair of heavy duty gloves on Horatio's chest. _"We'll pick the bigger bits up first and then sweep the dust up later" _He looked at Horatio as the other man wordlessly put the gloves on and walked to the opposite side of the room.

Horatio lifted up a couple of large pieces of wood and placed them in the corner of the room, he stood stock still when he saw the broken coffee mug on the floor. He closed his eyes as the memory of that night came flooding back to him. He remembered it all now, the dreams, the frustration and the damn mug that shattered on the floor. It seemed quite symbolic to him now, the mug shattered at the same time that his sanity did. He was broken and no amount of glue would be able to put him back together again.

Jeff watched him closely as he saw Horatio freeze, _"What's wrong, Horatio?" _When he did not get a response he walked over to the other man and placed a hand on his arm, it did the trick as Horatio turned to look at him in confusion. He glanced down and saw what he had been staring at, _"The coffee mug. That was what started it, wasn't it?" _Horatio returned his gaze to the ground and nodded, _"That figures. It usually the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak"_

He opened his mouth and closed it again a couple of times before he trusted himself to speak, _"I bet it looks ridiculous. Flying into a rage because of a broken mug" _He felt foolish for letting his emotions get the better of him that night.

_"No. Like I say, it was the final straw. It's usually the most inconsequential things that trigger a meltdown" _He carried on even though Horatio scowled at him, _"That legendary Horatio Caine stubbornness can only hold out so long. Your emotions found an outlet and once it started you couldn't stop it"_

He hung his head in shame, _"I shouldn't have let it happen. I should have been stronger"_

_ "Says who? Who is it that you're trying to impress with your super-human strength? You're human, just like the rest of us. We all have needs"_

_ "I don't need anything!" _he said, his anger getting the better of him.

_"But you do. You hurt just like the rest of us, probably even more so. You can't go through life on your own, you need people around you. Look, needing help doesn't make you weak"_

_ "I don't need help!"_

_ "Yes, you do. I know it's hard but you need to put your pride to one side for a moment and just accept that you're not invincible"_

He scowled at the other man but said nothing, admitting to himself once more that maybe Jeff was right.


	36. Chapter 36

**Dedicated to the loving memory of my cousin, Heather who was cruelly torn from our lives today. We have lost a dear soul but heaven has gained an angel xxx**

_"What are we going to do with all this wood?" _Horatio asked as he picked another piece up and placed it on the ever growing pile in the corner of the room.

_"I have a use for it; once we've sorted in here we'll take it back to the car and put it in the trunk"_

_ "What are you planning to do with it?" _he asked, eyeing Jeff warily.

_"You'll see" _the other man replied vaguely.

Horatio shook his head and made a start on the sideboards, picking up the larger pieces of plasterboard and putting them in heavy duty trash bags. As he moved one particular piece he found his keys and wallet covered in dust, he picked them up and blew the dirt off of them before placing them in his trouser pocket. He picked up a broom and began sweeping the dust from the floor, his still-healing hands protested at the repetitive movements but he used it to focus his mind and avoid reliving the memories of last Friday night.

Not much was said between the two men as they went about clearing the kitchen, Jeff spent most of his time observing Horatio out the corner of his eye. To the untrained, most people would see his sullen behaviour as sulking but Jeff knew him better, he was brooding and contemplating what had happened in the house. Horatio's silence was a sure sign that he was lost in his thoughts, he was a highly intelligent man that could come to his own conclusions quite easily when he was thinking straight, now that he was back on the right track it was just a case of nudging him in the right direction every so often until he figured out things for himself. The man might not figure it out straight away but in time he would come to realise why Jeff had brought him here, he hoped that Horatio would come to the conclusion that all that was broken was just furniture that could be fixed or replaced. He needed him to understand that his life too, with a little bit of time and effort could be fixed too.

_"I think we've done as much as we can do" _Jeff said some time later, the kitchen certainly looked in a lot better state than when they started. It would need re-plastering, painting and new furniture but it looked habitable for now. _"Let's go and have a look at the next room" _he said as he walked through the hallway and in to the lounge. He let out a low whistle as he took in the scene, much like the kitchen the lounge was covered in dust and plasterboard, and a coffee table lay broken and battered in the middle of the room.

Horatio followed awkwardly in to the room, he took a quick glance around and then hung his head, once more embarrassed by his actions. Jeff lifted a large piece of wood and found a flat screen TV underneath it; it was dusty but looked like it had come through the carnage relatively unscathed. _"God job you didn't put your fist through this beauty" _Jeff observed as he gave the other man a smile. Seeing the broken coffee table he picked a piece of it up, _"This looks like solid oak. You must have put some real force behind your blows to do this to it"_

He could feel his hackles rising, wasn't it enough that Jeff had brought him here to relive his foolish actions? Why couldn't the man just get on with tidying up without making such stupid comments? _"Are we carrying out a post mortem on the coffee table or are we tidying up?" _he snapped, becoming tired of Jeff's endless observations.

_"Sorry" _the other man said as he went about collecting the remnants of the coffee table and placing the large pieces in the hallway, _"Guess I've spent too much time around Alex, she's rubbing off on me"_

Horatio took a deep breath and tried to get himself under control, _"Whatever. Can we please just get on with it?" _He didn't wait to hear the response as he stalked over to the other side of the room and started picking things up, he placed objects back on shelves that weren't broken and threw the things that were in to the trash bag in his hand. His hand stilled as he came across a framed photo of him and Ray Jr, he smiled wistfully at it before frowning and placing it back on the mantelpiece.

_"You miss them, don't you?" _Jeff's voice almost made him jump but served to pull him from his reverie.

He carried on picking framed pictures up off the floor, placing the ones that weren't broken back on the wall or on the shelves they belonged on. Pictures of his mother, brother, the team at the lab and his dear, sweet Marisol. He closed his eyes as another wave of regret and guilt washed through him. He finally spoke, _"Yes. I do"_

_ "They're memories of the past, you can't keep living in it. You need to make the most of the time you have now, life's too short to sit around and wait for things to come to you"_

_ "What are you insinuating?"_

_ "I'm not insinuating anything, merely trying to point out that you need to work out what is precious to you and keep hold of it before it slips away"_

Deep down he knew Jeff was right, had he seen the way he looked at Calleigh? Had he figured out what had happened the other night, did Calleigh tell him this morning? He wasn't sure so he decided to keep his mouth shut, figuring that Jeff would make the assumption sooner or later. He preferred later.

* * *

Once the downstairs had been tidied Horatio led Jeff upstairs to the bathroom, he let the other man enter first. _"Wow, that's a lot of blood. And a lot of glass" _Horatio said nothing and merely shrugged his shoulders as he stood awkwardly in the doorway. _"Looks like you took most of your rage out on the mirror. I'm guessing you didn't like what was reflected back at you"_

He struggled to find the right words, _"I just saw a pathetic excuse for a man. I couldn't stand to see that face staring back at me anymore"_

_ "Looks like you tried to put your head through it too" _the other man observed, aware that he was making Horatio deeply uncomfortable.

_"My head was spinning; I couldn't get the images or the voices out. The pain was a good distraction"_

Jeff fingered a deep forehead-shaped dent in the wall, _"I'm surprised you didn't fracture your skull with the force you put behind it"_

He smirked at that, _"It's been said that I'm extremely hard-headed, guess it came in useful this time"_

Jeff turned to look at him, _"Did it though? Did it get rid of the voices and the images?"_

He shook his head sadly, _"No. I'd just lost it, I couldn't help myself"_

_ "Like I said the other day Horatio, you need to find an outlet for some of your frustration. Have you thought any more about jogging again?"_

_ "Yes. I was going to ask Calleigh over dinner this evening if she'd like to join me" _He felt awkward saying it, what if she said no?

The other man smiled brightly at him and clapped him on the shoulder, _"Great, it'll do you good"_

* * *

Over the next hour the two men set about cleaning up the bathroom, once it was done Horatio sat on his bed and picked up the cell phone lying on the bedside cabinet. He opened the phone and pressed the power button, he frowned when the screen remained blank until it occurred to him that the battery was probably dead. He stood and placed it in his pocket before making his way downstairs, Jeff had already begun placing the trash bags outside for collection and motioned at Horatio to start placing the wood in the car.

A few minutes later Jeff joined him in the hallway to collect the last of the wood; he turned to Horatio as he walked out the door. _"It's nearly lunchtime, fancy getting something to eat?"_

His first answer would have been _"No" _but he was beginning to feel hungrier than he had in days, his appetite coming back with a vengeance, _"Sure, why not" _he answered as he locked the door behind him, making sure that he collected his laptop on the way out.


	37. Chapter 37

**Thank you to those of you who have sent your good wishes and prayers at this difficult time. Writing is somewhat of an escape for me at the moment, I will try to continue posting on a daily basis but I cannot promise this will be the case due to inevitable family commitments taking me away from my computer.**

Horatio gave Jeff a look of disgust when they pulled up in the parking lot of _Greasy Joe's Burger Shack_, _"Seriously?" _he said eyeing the other man with contempt, _"You're taking me to lunch here?"_

_ "Well, for a man who's not looking after himself properly you've sure changed your tune. And what's wrong with Greasy Joe's anyway? He does the best burgers in the area" _Jeff asked innocently as he took his seatbelt off and exited the car.

_"I'd hardly call a greasy burger decent food" _Horatio sniffed haughtily as he got out of the car and placed his hands on his hips. The other man smiled at him as he saw Horatio put his sunglasses on, it was an automatic response and something he did without even realising it. This was more like the man who appeared on the local news most weeks at press conferences appealing for help with the latest crime to grip Miami.

_"I'm sorry, I forgot. You're a man with expensive tastes" _Horatio turned to look at him now but his shades hid the fearsome glare that Jeff had no doubt he was on the receiving end of. _"Oh come on. The suits and the handmade Italian shoes? You're a guy who likes the finer things in life"_

_ "Is there something wrong with that?" _he growled.

Holding his hands up in mock surrender Jeff answered, _"Not at all. For a man like you image is everything" _He saw Horatio's posture stiffen at his last remark, _"All I'm saying is that you've cultivated an image of class and confidence. It's obvious in the way you hold yourself and the way your present yourself to the world. The expensive clothes, the meticulously combed hair, the shades. I won't even start on your body language…."_

_ "You make me sound like some kind of conceited ass"_

_ "Well, you're not. You're the head of a crime lab, people expect you to be confident and in control, you expect it of yourself too. I think you just forgot that you're human too, just because things aren't neat and pristine it doesn't make you a lesser person. You need to spend more time on the man behind the image; it's only part of who you are"_

_ "Are we going to stand in the parking lot discussing my wardrobe all afternoon or are we going to eat?" _He felt a pang of guilt at snapping at the other man but his endless observations about him were starting to get a little annoying. Even worse was the fact that Jeff had been spot-on about him each time.

_"Wow, you sure get grouchy on an empty stomach don't you?" _Jeff quipped as he walked past Horatio and left him scowling in by the car. He could see him standing stock still, hands still on hips as he debated whether or not to follow him in to the restaurant. Finally hunger won out over pride.

A perky blonde waitress showed the two men to a corner booth and handed them both a menu, _"What can I get you guys?" _she asked as she noisily chewed on a piece of gum.

Horatio looked her up and down; she could hardly have been older than twenty and her skimpy attire left a lot to be desired. He scanned the menu quickly and tried to find something moderately palatable, _"The chicken burger with side salad please" _

_"I'll have the Jawbreaker special please" _Jeff said as he handed her back his menu.

She wrote down their choices disinterestedly, the sound of her lips smacking together as she chomped on her gum got louder by the second. _"Drinks?" _she said without looking up.

Jeff was first to reply, _"A diet coke, please"_

She turned to Horatio who was fiddling with the arms of his sunglasses, _"And what about you, handsome?" _He almost dropped them before composing himself and answering, _"Uh, a coffee please" _as he gazed out of the window, avoiding looking at her.

The waitress shrugged her shoulders and told them that their food would be with them shortly; Jeff leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. _"Looks like you've still got it" _he observed with a smile on his face.

Horatio turned to him and narrowed his eyes, _"Still got what?"_

_ "I don't know what it is about you Horatio but girls really seem to like you. Are you telling me you don't notice how many women look at you and give you a flirty smile? I sure I wish I had that effect on women"_

_ "Maybe it's my dazzling personality" _he replied sarcastically.

_"Ok, so you might not have been at your best lately but Alex gushes about how gentlemanly and polite you are. I swear, if she wasn't happily married already she'd be first in the queue trying to capture your heart"_

_ "I'm sure most people would have trouble finding it at the moment"_

_"That's not true; you've got a bigger heart than most people I know. You're capable of such acts of kindness that it puts us other men to shame. Your heart's damaged at the moment, metaphorically speaking, time and a little love will help heal it"_

_ "Have you been talking to Calleigh?" _He couldn't help it the words had slipped out before he could stop himself; he lifted a hand to his face and pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated at himself.

Jeff couldn't fail to notice his reaction, _"No. Why, has something happened?" _he questioned as he nodded his thanks to the waitress that brought their drinks over.

He tried to back-pedal quickly, _"It's nothing. Don't worry about it"_

The psychologist was intrigued now, he wanted to know more. _"Has Calleigh told you how she feels about you?"_

His head shot up quickly, shocked that Jeff had figured it out so quickly. _"How did you know?"_

_ "I've seen it in the way she looks at you my friend. She's hopelessly in love with you. Are you telling me that for all these years you never saw it?"_

Horatio began to squirm slightly in his seat and picked his sunglasses up again, _"I never thought she'd look twice at someone like me, she's way out of my league. I always told myself that it was a platonic love, there's no way she would ever see me as anything more than a friend"_

_ "Maybe that was true in the beginning but she adores you now, she's pretty awful at hiding it. I know I'm a psychologist but even an idiot could see how much she cares for you"_

_ "I don't feel like I'm good enough for her, she deserves someone better than me. Someone who's whole and undamaged" _He knew he was making excuses again but his beautiful blonde bombshell was the most precious thing in his life right now, the thought of ruining that scared him.

_"But she's chosen you; don't you think you owe it to her to at least give things a try?"_

It certainly gave him something to think about whilst eating his meal; he looked at the unappetising chicken breast in a bun surrounded by a limp lettuce salad. The thought of sending it back to the kitchen crossed his mind but he could no longer deny his growling stomach, he delicately nibbled at the side of the burger and watched in disgust as Jeff shoved as much of his burger into his mouth as possible. He was thankful that the other man had his mouth full; at least it would spare him having to sit and listen to anymore of his lectures for a while.


	38. Chapter 38

**Thank you all again for the reviews and kind words. I couldn't have gone out today even if I tried as the UK has been hit by heavy snowfall. Writing has helped take my mind off things somewhat.**

Horatio gave Jeff a puzzled look as they pulled up in Calleigh's drive, _"It's only 2.30, we're finished already?"_

Killing the engine and pulling the handbrake Jeff replied, _"Yep. My work here this week is nearly done. Besides, I have a game of golf with an old friend at three"_

He wasn't sure whether he should be happy or not, he had found the older man's presence quite irritating at times but he admitted to himself that the man had played a big part in helping him get himself in order. The questions that Jeff had asked him made him feel uncomfortable but he could see why he was pushing him so much, like it or not he knew that he would have to deal with his past at some point, he just hadn't intended on it being this soon.

_"You're not going to make me walk you to the door, are you?" _Jeff teased as Horatio continued to stay seated in the car, seemingly lost in thought.

He shook his head lightly, feeling embarrassed for being caught daydreaming again. _"No, I think I can make it by myself, thank you" _

Jeff smiled when he was once again on the receiving end of a trademark Horatio glare, _"Ok then, I'll see you tomorrow at four pm. I'll meet you here"_

He nodded and let himself out of the car, turning back briefly as Jeff pulled out of the drive. He walked to the front door and was about to knock when Calleigh opened it, she took him by surprise when she launched herself at him, hugging him tightly. _"Horatio, I'm so glad you're back. Did you have a good time with Jeff?"_

_ "That depends on your definition of 'good', Calleigh" _He replied as he slowly wrapped his arms around her and returned her warm embrace.

She broke away from the hug as she stepped back in to the hallway, _"I'll get the coffee on and we can talk about it if you like" _She beckoned him in with her arm.

He didn't want to talk about his session with Jeff, he would have rather forgot all about it. He had no idea how hard it would be to walk back in to the place that he had called home for so long. There were good memories there but far too often over the last few years it had become more like a prison cell than a refuge where he felt safe. He realised that his increasing inhabitancy of the lab was less to do with his passion for the job and more about his unwillingness to return to a cold and empty house. It came as a surprise then when he realised that he had felt safe in Calleigh's home since he had been here, he had become used to waking up next to another person and having someone to share the day with. He knew that as soon as the week was over and his place was repaired that he would have to move back there, his heart sank with the thought of spending his days and nights alone once more.

Calleigh kept a close eye on Horatio as he followed her in to the kitchen, she could see that he was debating something in his mind as he sat down on the nearest chair as if he were on auto-pilot. She willed herself to concentrate on the coffee but couldn't help her curiosity; she needed to know what he was thinking, after coming so far she didn't want him shutting her out again. _"What are you thinking about?" _she asked him quietly, hoping he would answer her.

He took a deep breath and looked up at her, _"It's silly. It's nothing really" _He tried to act nonchalantly as if nothing was wrong. Her penetrating gaze was starting to unnerve him a little, if only she knew how much of an effect she had on him. He sighed before he continued, _"I was just thinking how nice it's been having company this week. I guess I got used to being on my own all the time" _He bowed his head, feeling silly for admitting that he was lonely.

Calleigh brought the cups of coffee to the table and sat in the chair next to Horatio, facing him. She reached out a hand and gently placed it on his arm, _"I know it's been a really tough week but I've enjoyed the company too"_

He laughed bitterly at himself, _"I've hardly been the ideal houseguest. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to throw me out right now" _As he lifted his eyes to glance at her quickly he could not mistake the look of hurt that briefly flashed across her face.

_"Horatio, you're welcome to stay here as long as you want. I've enjoyed having someone to wake up with" _she blushed slightly as she realised what she had said.

His response took her by surprise, _"Me, too" _he said as he gave her a small smile and placed a hand on top of hers. He looked at her intently for a moment, unsure of his next move, _"To hell with it" _he thought as he threw caution to the wind. He leaned in and gently placed a kiss on her lips, closing his eyes as he savoured the moment.

As he leant forwards and inched closer her heart began to pound, was he about to do what she hoped he would do? She didn't have long to find out as his lips met hers in a soft kiss. It was tentative and shy; as if he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing, the kiss so much like the broken man she had spent a whole week trying to put back together. Responding to his touch Calleigh lifted her arms and placed them around the back of his neck as she got up to straddle him on his chair. She felt the rush of air from him as her move caught him by surprise, at first his hands didn't move but before long they were snaking their way up her back as he revelled in the feel of her through her silk blouse. The kiss deepened and became more passionate as both of their hands started exploring the other's bodies, groans of delight escaping from both of their mouths.

Lost in the moment Calleigh lowered her hands and began tugging at his shirt, trying to pull the ends of it out of his trousers. She was disappointed when he pulled away from the kiss and took both of her hands in his, stilling them. He squeezed his eyes shut as he told her, _"I'm sorry. I can't do this just yet, it's too soon" _He felt terrible for saying it but he knew that his first time with Calleigh would be special, not just some quick grope on the kitchen table.

Pain lanced through her heart at his actions, _"Did I do something wrong?" _she asked as she willed the tears in her eyes not to fall.

_"No, of course not" _he tried to reassure her as he squeezed her hands gently, _"I want very much to take things further but at the moment it doesn't feel right. Can you understand that?" _He hoped that she could.

She tried to compose herself, _"You're right. No pressure. Just let me know when you're ready"_

He smiled at her sweetly, he had no idea how he had come to have this angel by his side, she was so much more than he deserved. He wouldn't tell her that part of his reluctance was that he felt that he would never be good enough for her. It would take time and patience; one good night of sleep was not going to be a miraculous cure for his damaged soul. She had put her faith in him and he owed to it to her to be a better man and with her by his side he knew he at least stood a chance of making that a reality.


	39. Chapter 39

**Thanks again for the reviews and messages, it makes this difficult time a little easier.**

She watched him as he confidently moved about the kitchen, preparing the ingredients for their meal. The way he walked around the kitchen and handled the knives made it obvious that it was not his first time cooking, she smiled when she saw the look of concentration on his face as he flambéed the steak in the pan. _"Wow, what did I do to deserve the five star treatment?" _she teased as she took another sip of her red wine. She sat admiring the view and realised that she felt completely relaxed, having Horatio in her kitchen seemed natural, like he belonged here with her.

He glanced at her as he tossed the meat in the pan, being careful not to burn himself on the spitting oil. _"It's only dinner, Calleigh. It doesn't really compare to what you've done for me" _he gave her a shy smile, that boyish look that she had so sorely missed.

_"It smells delicious, I've got half a mind to let you cook for me every night for the rest of my life" _

His hand stilled on the pan as he winced at her words, he wanted so badly to stay right here with her and never leave but he still wasn't sure she felt the same and he was even less sure that starting a relationship with Calleigh would be the right thing for her. He realised that he loved her so much that it would kill him to see her unhappy. Maybe it would be best if he put a stop to things now, make a clean break from her. Sure, she would hate him for a while but at least she would be protected from him and his train wreck of a life.

She noticed his hesitancy, _"What's wrong, Horatio?" _she asked as she lowered her wine glass to the table.

He picked up his glass of water and took a sip before answering her, _"Calleigh, you mean the world to me. I'd be devastated if anything were to happen to you" _

She stood up and walked towards him, _"I'm fine, I'm right here. Nothing's going to happen to me" _she said softly as she tried to reassure him.

He turned back towards the pan and tossed the steak, avoiding her gaze. _"I don't have the greatest of luck when it comes to people I love sticking around. I'm afraid that being with me will put you in danger" _he finished quietly.

_"I'm a big girl, Horatio. I think I can look after myself"_

He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, why didn't she understand that he was cursed? _"Calleigh, the people I love…..most of them have died and I didn't save them. Losing you would destroy me, maybe it's better if we stop things now before they get out of hand" _He kept his back to her, his shoulders slumped.

It took him by surprise when she stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. _"Nothing is going to happen to me, this is forever" _She trailed gentle kisses on the back of his neck as she spoke.

He willed himself not to respond to her touch but found himself failing. Her close proximity was clouding his judgement; the smell of her perfume permeated his senses and left him feeling drunk. He fought the urge to turn round and have his way with her there and then; it took all of his self-control to keep his desires at bay. He cleared his throat as she nibbled on his earlobe, _"Uh…the steak is ready. I think we better sit down and eat before it gets cold"_

She reluctantly untangled herself from him and returned to her chair at the table as he placed the delicious-smelling plate of food in front of her. He gave her another shy smile as he said, _"Dinner is served. I hope you enjoy" _He took his place at the table and watched as Calleigh excitedly went about eating her meal.

She groaned in delight as she tasted his cooking, _"Oh God, Horatio. This is heavenly" _she closed her eyes as a wave of bliss washed over her.

He blushed slightly at her words, _"It's nothing really" _He tried to brush her reaction off as if it didn't matter but it made his heart swell to see her so happy.

_"I'm going to add this to the list of your many talents" s_he told him as she took another bite.

The hand holding his fork stilled as it was halfway to his mouth, _"I have talents?" _he asked her bemused.

_"Of course you have" _she began as she swallowed another mouthful of steak. _"You're brave and kind; you're the best marksmen I've seen with a gun. Apart from me" _she smiled at him, _"You're great with your hands, you can cook like a Michelin-starred chef, and let's not forget you're the most handsome man in Miami"_

He squirmed in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with her compliments. _"I very much doubt an ageing man like me could be considered handsome"_

It was her turn to stop eating now; she placed her knife and fork down and looked at him seriously. _"You are. You're the only man that I want"_

_ "How can you be so sure though? After everything that's happened this week you should have turned your back on me and run" _His gaze dropped to the table as he cut another piece of meat, it was a good distraction from having to be the focus of her penetrating stare.

_"Hasn't this week taught you anything? I've seen you at your worst and I still love you. Things aren't so great for you at the moment but I want to be the one there by your side to enjoy the good times too"_

_ "Calleigh, I can't guarantee that there will be any good times. You deserve to be happy and I really want to make that happen for you. I'm just not sure you'll be happy being lumbered with someone like me"_

_ "Don't you think that's my choice to make?" _she began, feeling her emotions get the better of her. _"Even when you're at your worst you still make me happier than any other man I ever known"_

He took another sip of water, _"Calleigh, I'm trying my best to be the man you deserve. I love you very much and I'll work as hard as I can to be a better man"_

_ "You don't need to be a better man, you're everything I want just the way you are" _

* * *

_"Thank you Horatio, for such a delicious meal" _she said as she delicately wiped her mouth with a napkin.

He blushed at her words and avoided her gaze, _"You are more than welcome, Calleigh. It was my pleasure" _He rose from the table and began collecting the dirty dishes; she made her way to help him but stopped when he held a hand up to her. _"Calleigh, sit and relax. You've been waiting on me hand and foot this week; it's about time I returned the favour"_

She sat back in her chair and admired him as he busied himself in the kitchen, how could he make a chore like washing up seem so sexy? Her thoughts drifted to all of the other things she imagined he could do with those big, manly hands of his. She knew from his bomb squad days that he would have a gentle touch, she just hoped that she would be the one on the receiving end of it before too long.

After the dishes were done Horatio excused himself from the kitchen and sat in the lounge with a cup of coffee. Curiosity gnawed at Calleigh, it seemed awfully quiet in there and she fought the urge to poke her head around the door. Horatio had come a long way this week and had been more open with her than ever before but he was still a private man, she knew that he would tell her when he was ready. _"Are you going to hide in the kitchen all night?" _

His soft yet smoky voice made her jump, how had he known what she was thinking? She picked up her coffee and walked through in to the lounge to join him, _"I'm sorry. I thought you could do with some privacy" _she said as she sat on the opposite side of the couch. She could see that he had his laptop open and wondered what he was doing on it. _"Probably checking up on emails from the lab" s_he told herself as she took a sip of her drink.

_"I'm writing an email to Kyle" _he said quietly as his gaze remained on the computer, his hands hovering over the keys. _"I think I've started and deleted it a hundred times" _he looked at her gave her a wry smile, _"Not quite sure how to word, 'Sorry son, been having a breakdown this week. How are things with you?' Everything I type just doesn't seem right"_

_ "He doesn't have to know, just tell him how you feel" s_he encouraged him.

He looked at her and smiled, it amazed him that she always knew just what to say to him. He took a couple of deep breaths and placed his fingers on the keys, before he knew it his hands were gliding over the keyboard as he typed:

_Kyle, I'm so sorry that I missed our video chat. Calleigh told me that you called Eric at the lab, I'm sorry if you were worried but I have been feeling quite unwell this week and have been confined to my bed on Alex's orders and she's not the kind of woman you want to argue with…_

_ I don't want you to worry about me son, I'm fine but it's you I worry about. You're my world and if I could only have one guarantee of anything in this life it would be that you return home safely to me._

_ I want you to know that no matter what I will always be proud of you and the man that you have become. I will be back at the lab on Monday and I hope we can schedule a chat as soon as possible. I miss you son, the time that we have together is the most precious gift a father could ask for._

_ Please, stay safe and come home soon._

_Love always, Dad xx_

Calleigh could not hold back the tears in her eyes as she read his words, the email confirming what she already knew, that she had made the right choice in falling madly in love with the man sitting across from her.


	40. Chapter 40

**Another chapter for you:**

_"What do you think?" _he asked as he turned to look at her, his face dropped when he saw the tears on her face, _"Too much?"_

She gave him a watery smile before leaning over and kissing him sweetly, _"It's perfect"_

Deciding that it would be better to send it now before he had time to change his mind he hit the 'send' button. He leaned back on the sofa and wondered whether he had done the right thing by writing the email. He put it to the back of his mind as he remembered what Jeff had spoken to him about earlier in the week, _"Jeff said I should get in contact with Ray Jr" _he said quietly as he looked at Calleigh for reassurance.

She returned to her spot at the opposite end of the couch and took another sip of her coffee, _"That sounds like a great idea, I'm sure he's missed you"_

He gave her a small smile but it did not reach his eyes, _"Maybe too much time has passed between us. Things haven't been the same since he and Yelina came back from Brazil. What if he thinks I've abandoned him?"_

_ "I'm sure he doesn't, what would it hurt to email him anyway?"_

He took a deep breath and nodded his head in agreement, _"I suppose you're right, the worst he could do would be to tell me to get lost" _With that he began to type, at first the words would not come easily but after a number of attempts he finally found an opening sentence that he was happy with:

_"Ray Jr, I am so very sorry that we have lost contact. It was never my intention to let things carry on this way for so long and for that I am truly sorry. I hope that life in California is treating you well and that both you and your mother are happy and settled. _

_ Miami is not the same without you, I find myself missing our fishing trips and I hope that in the school holidays that you would consider returning to Miami to spend some time with me. I would dearly love to catch up with you, I'm sure you have lots of exciting stories to tell. If not I could always come to visit you in California, whatever is easiest for you._

_ These past few years I have not been the uncle that you deserve and I deeply regret it, I should have been there for you and I failed. Please understand that it was my fault and not yours. I hope to one day make it up to you, if you'll let me._

He was tempted to delete it and start again, the words did not seem to do justice to the regret he felt at losing contact with his nephew. Calleigh saw the look of indecision, _"Just send it, Horatio" _she said quietly. He nodded, closed his eyes and hit the 'send' button, hoping for the best.

After checking the rest of his emails and deciding that there was nothing that couldn't wait until Monday he turned the laptop off and leaned back on the sofa. Calleigh looked at him intently and he seemed to understand her unspoken request, he nodded his head and lifted his arm up so that she could scoot over and lay herself next to him. He sighed contentedly as he leant his chin on the top of her head.

_"I could stay this way forever, you know" _Calleigh said as she closed her eyes and revelled in the warmth of his embrace.

_"Believe me, I would want nothing more than to stay here with you. To hell with the world outside" _he replied as he rubbed gentle circles on her upper arm.

She turned her head and looked up at him, _"How about we do that then, for the rest of the week? Let's just pretend that no one exists except you and me"_

He considered her suggestion for a moment, _"Jeff won't be happy when he turns up tomorrow evening and we don't answer the door"_

_ "That's not fair" s_he said as she playfully swatted his arm, _"Why do you always have to be the sensible one?"_

_ "Believe me, sometimes I really wish I wasn't" _he replied despondently, _"Sometimes I wish I could just do whatever I wanted, consequences be damned" _

_ "Maybe it's time you put yourself first for once. You deserve to be happy too, let go of some of that self-control of yours" _She placed her head back on his chest, he said nothing and she feared that she had upset him. _"You don't need to be in control all the time, give in to your desires"_

His hands stilled as he tensed, _"Calleigh, I can't give you what you want right now. It doesn't feel right" _his voice wavered slightly as he spoke, he needed her to know how much he wanted her. _"Please don't be disappointed in me" _he finished quietly, his voice barely audible.

She sat up straight and stared at him in shock, her mouth gaping. _"Horatio, I could never be disappointed in you. I'll wait for as long as you need, I'm sorry if you thought I was placing demands on you"_

He was about to respond when a yawn escaped his mouth, he tried to cover it but knew he had been caught. _"Come on handsome, let's get you up to bed" _

_ "But it's still early" _he began to protest just as another yawn escaped.

_"You've still got a hell of a lot of sleep to catch up on" _she said as she stood up and held a hand out to him. He reluctantly took it and allowed her to pull him to his feet.

She took him by the hand and led him to the stairs, _"Calleigh, I can make it up the stairs on my own, you know" _he told her patiently. She gave him a sweet smile but ignored his good-natured grousing.

Opening the bedroom door she held her arm out and beckoned him in to the room. _"I'll be downstairs making coffee whilst you get changed" s_he told him before leaving the room and making her way downstairs.

He stood in the middle of the room feeling awkward, as if his mother was telling him to get ready for bed before she came to tuck him in. He felt the piercing pain of grief as images of his mother returned to him. Try as he might to replace it the horrific vision of her lying dead on the floor was the first thing that came in to his mind whenever he thought of his beloved mother. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he set about taking his pants off, it was a warm night in Miami and he considered not wearing a top but rejected the idea when he realised that it would leave his scars exposed for Calleigh to see. He walked over to his bag of clothes in the corner of the room just as Calleigh returned.

_"Ready?" s_he asked as she placed her coffee down on the nightstand, she met him in the middle of the room and held a glass of water and a sleeping pill out to him.

He shook his head, _"Calleigh, I told you I would only take them for one night. We had a deal" _He began backing away from her.

_"Please Horatio, you need more than one night of proper sleep. Jeff says you won't have such a strong reaction to them this time" _She looked at him with pleading eyes.

He willed himself to break eye contact with her but found himself unable to, the longer he looked at her the weaker he became. It frightened him that she had such a hold over him, when she looked at him that way he could deny her nothing. His mind screamed at him not to take it but his body betrayed him as he reached out his hand and did as she asked.


	41. Chapter 41

**The snow shows no sign of going anywhere any time soon so I have managed to get another chapter ready.**

He took the pill and glass all the while never breaking eye contact with her; she smiled her gratitude and held her arm out towards the bed silently instructing him what to do next. Before returning to the room she too had changed in to her night clothes, once Horatio had lain down on the bed she walked over to the other side and joined him.

It felt natural to have her lying next to him in bed; he smiled at her as she moved closer to him. They lay on their sides facing each other, she reached out a hand and ran it up and down the skin left exposed from his t-shirt, he flinched slightly as her fingers ran over one of the many scars on his arm but she carried on regardless, trying to convey with her actions what she had already told him with words. To her, his scars were beautiful. A visual reminder of the horrific events he had endured and ultimately survived. They were symbols of a man who had showed true courage when many lesser men would have failed.

She kept a silent watch over him as the drugs took effect; she saw his eyes begin to lose their focus as he struggled valiantly to keep them open. He wanted to commit to memory the stunning vision of her face and was glad it was the last thing he saw as he drifted off in to a peaceful slumber.

* * *

As the sun rose Calleigh slowly came back to awareness, as she opened her eyes she was greeted with the heart-warming sight of Horatio sleeping contentedly next to her. She smiled to herself as she realised that they had both rested peacefully last night, and it occurred to her that neither of them had moved a muscle. Trying to gently remove herself from his embrace without waking him she carefully lifted the arm that was lying on top of her. She froze when she heard him groan and move his head, she held her breath and prayed that he would not wake. Her prayers went unanswered as he slowly opened his eyes and focused on her face, _"What time is it?" _he asked as he ran a weary hand over his face.

_"It's only 8am, you can go back to sleep if you like"_

He rubbed at his eyes, trying to awaken himself fully. _"No, it's ok. I was hoping that…..um" _His cheeks coloured slightly as he felt awkward. Horatio Caine was not a man who was usually lost for words; it was a simple question, why did he feel so nervous asking her?

Placing a hand on his arm she looked at him quizzically, _"What is it? Is there something wrong?" _Fear began to gnaw at her as she saw his anxiousness.

He took a deep breath and tried again, _"This is going to sound silly" _he started; she looked at him and motioned for him to continue. _"I was hoping that maybe you would like to go for a jog with me this morning. It doesn't matter if you don't, I understand if you have more important things to do…." _He rambled on, trying to talk both Calleigh and himself out of it.

She had to raise her voice slightly to interrupt him, _"I'd love to" s_he said as she finally caught his attention. Her heart swelled when he rewarded her with one of his boyish smiles.

* * *

_"Ready?" _she asked as they made their way on to the beach, he nodded his head as he readjusted his shoelace. Calleigh allowed him to set the pace as they ran, unsure as to his current level of fitness. She too had neglected to do any jogging this week and was glad that Horatio was feeling up to exercising. She stayed a couple of paces behind him and blushed when she caught herself admiring his backside through his shorts.

They ran for at least 30 minutes before Horatio came to a stop, he placed his hands on his knees and attempted to catch his breath. It came as a shock to him at how unfit he had become over the last few months. It didn't show in his weight but the rest of his body had become used to not being pushed very hard. Glancing up at Calleigh he noticed that she had hardly broken a sweat, _"Sorry" _he said in between gasping breaths, _"Guess I'm a bit out of shape"_

Opening a bottle of water she walked over and handed it to him, he nodded his gratitude as he gulped down the refreshing liquid. _"Don't worry about it; you just need to build yourself up again. It'll come back with time"_

_ "With time, just like everything else" _he thought to himself. Feeling his legs shaking slightly he decided to lower himself on to the sand before they gave way completely and he embarrassed himself in front of Calleigh. She came and sat down next to him, taking small sips as she stole quick glimpses at him.

_"What have you got planned for the rest of the day?" _she asked, gazing out towards the sea.

He began fiddling with the cap on his water bottle, _"I…..um, Jeff said he won't be coming round until 4pm. I was hoping that I could take you out to lunch" _Keeping his eyes on the water bottle he avoided her gaze.

_"That's not necessary" _she began before he held a hand up to stop her.

_"Please, Calleigh. I want to" _their eyes met and she could see the sincerity in his face, she nodded her head in agreement and was rewarded with another of his beautiful smiles.

* * *

Once his heart had stopped pounding so heavily and the light-headedness had faded he began raising himself to his feet. He frowned slightly as he spoke, _"I'm not sure jogging back is such a good idea, would you mind if we walked?" _he avoided her gaze, embarrassed at his lack of stamina in front of the woman who held his heart.

_"A walk sounds lovely" _she replied as she brushed an unruly lock of hair from her face. She held out her hand to him, moments passed as he debated with himself whether to take it. Being close to her behind closed doors was one thing and he wasn't sure if he felt ready to engage in a public display of affection. _"Please, Horatio. It's just my hand, it's not like I'm going to bite"_

Even though he had his sunglasses on, Calleigh could tell by his awkward posture that he was unsure of what to do. She marvelled at the fact that such a strong and independent man like Horatio could be reduced to a squirming schoolboy at the prospect of holding someone's hand. Losing patience she huffed, stepped towards him and grabbed him by the hand, pulling him along almost roughly. _"There's no need to get so worked up. I'm asking you to hold my hand, not marry me!"_

After taking a few running steps to catch up with her he finally managed to match her pace. As they walked further he found himself become more comfortable with the physical contact. It had been too long since he had held the hand of a beautiful woman; he had denied himself any kind of meaningful female company since Marisol had died. He had fooled himself into believing that living in a cold and lonely world was his penance for failing her, Calleigh had somehow gotten under his skin and in to his head and had slowly managed to change his way of thinking.

Stealing glances at him, she was happy to walk along in silence during their trip back to the house, content with the fact that his grip on her hand was strong. She used the time to think of the clothes she would wear to lunch today, she was not the type of woman who would usually fret over such things but she suddenly found herself nervous, as if she had to prove something. Disturbed from her thoughts, she heard her phone ring. Taking a look at the caller ID she answered it, _"Morning Alex, how are you?"_

_ "Wow, sugar. You sound good, how are things?"_

She stole a quick glance at Horatio and could see that he was still lost in his thoughts, _"Good. Things have been better over the last few days"_

_ "That's great news. I take it you got him to take the pills?"_

_ "Yep, in the end. Things have improved a lot since then" _The conversation had caught his attention as he turned his head to look at her.

_"So, would it be okay if I popped round this morning. Just to give Horatio a final check-up?"_

_ "We're on the beach at the moment, could you give us an hour?" _she asked the doctor as she gave Horatio a small smile.

_"Sure thing, honey. I'll see you then"_

Closing the phone, she met his quizzical gaze. _"Alex wants to pop over to see you this morning" s_he stopped when she saw him frown, _"Just to give you the once over before you go back to work"_

_ "You think they'll let me go back?" _he asked her honestly.

_"Do you think you're ready?" _she replied, squeezing his hand tighter.

Long moments passed as he considered her question, his gaze focused on something behind Calleigh. _"Well, I'm not sure spending the rest of our lives on the beach together is an option" _he gave her a wry smile, _"But I guess I could live with spending every day with you at the lab"_

He didn't have time to say anything else as the air rushed out of his lungs when she threw herself in to his arms and held him tightly. Her hands reached for his face as she kissed him passionately, he found himself helpless against her as he responded to her touch and it occurred to him that other people on the beach were looking at them but for once he didn't seem to care.


	42. Chapter 42

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to the following people: Baglady101, HEHC4evr, CSIMiamiLove and horatio-is-the-man. Your words have been a great comfort to me and for that I will be eternally grateful.**

Sitting nervously in the kitchen, Calleigh watched as Horatio glanced at his watch for the tenth time in five minutes. She placed a steaming cup of black coffee in front of him, _"Try to relax, it's only Alex"_

He smiled his gratitude and nodded his head, _"I feel like such an idiot, I've got no idea why I'm getting so twitchy"_

_ "You want to go back to work and you're worried she'll say no" _

He nodded his head sadly at her observation, _"Stupid, isn't it?"_

Placing her coffee down on the table she sat down next to him, _"Not at all. You'll be fine" s_he gave his hands a gentle squeeze just as the doorbell rang. He looked up at her with dread, as if he were a man heading to his own funeral. _"Go and answer it" s_he prompted him as her gaze moved to the hallway.

At first he sat there, frozen with indecision. How had he become so feeble and timid? It wasn't like him to be nervous or second-guessing himself, steeling his courage he rose from the chair and walked to the front door. Taking a deep breath and planting the most sincere smile he could manage on to his face he opened the door. _"Alex, please come in" _

She looked him up and down as she stood on the doorstep, _"Well you look a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you" _she observed as he gave her a shy smile. _"Let's go to the kitchen so I can have a proper look at you"_

He nodded his head and held his arm out inviting her to walk through first, he stood in the door way as Alex set her bag down on the dining table, _"Any coffee left for me?" s_he asked Calleigh warmly, greeting her friend with a hug.

_"Sure, take a seat" _

_ "Not until I've checked the wounded solider out" _she turned her head and pinned Horatio with a steely gaze; he continued to stand awkwardly, transferring his weight from one foot to the other whilst trying valiantly to avoid the gazes of both women. _"Come on over here" _Alex instructed as she motioned at him with her finger.

Sensing that resistance was futile he shuffled his way in to the middle of the kitchen and meekly sat down when instructed to. _"Alex, you really don't need to do this. I'm fine" _He gave her his most sincere facial expression and hoped that she would believe him.

_"And as soon as you get your physician's license I'll take your word for it" _she chided him gently. _"Now, follow the light with your eyes"_

He followed her instructions, letting her carry out her tests until she was satisfied that he wasn't going to collapse in front of her. _"How have the headaches been?" _she asked as she put her penlight away.

_"Not too bad. Better since I've slept"_

She nodded her head, _"Any dizzy spells or nausea?"_

_ Not for the last few days"_

_ "How's your appetite, have you been eating properly?"_

_ "Yes, I've got my appetite back. Calleigh has been making sure I eat" _he gave his blonde princess a shy smile as he looked over to her.

_"Good. Now let me have a look at those hands" _she said as she took both of them gently and held them up to get a closer look at them. _"The swelling has gone down, how do your fingers feel?"_

He answered her honestly, _"They ache a bit if I move them too much"_

She nodded her head, _"That's to be expected, they'll probably give you some pain for the next few weeks. I would recommend splinting them now you're not wearing the bandages but I don't think you'd keep them on too long" _She gave him a knowing look as his cheeks coloured.

He kept his gaze averted as he asked the penultimate question, _"So am I fit enough to return to work?" _It felt as if time had stopped, the silence in the room became deafening. He looked up at his friend with some trepidation, suddenly frightened of what she would say.

She took her time before answering; trying to convince herself that she was making the right decision. Finally, she spoke, _"Physically, you're healing well. The effects of the concussion have passed and your hands are almost healed. You'll probably feel some pain in those fingers if you try to handle a gun so I wouldn't recommend any field work until they've healed properly. As for the rest, Jeff would be the best person to assess your fitness for duty"_

At least Alex had the good manners not to speak of his 'other' issues, he still felt ashamed that he had not been able to deal with his emotional problems by himself and had dragged two of his closest friends into his sordid past instead. _"But you see no reason why I can't go back on Monday?" _he asked her hopefully.

_"Physically, no. If Jeff thinks you're ready then I will support his decision"_

_ "Thank you, Alex" _he told her sincerely as he placed his hands on hers, _"For everything you've done for me. I couldn't have come through it without you"_

_"Oh stop it, you old charmer!" _she said as she furiously wiped at the tears in her eyes, _"Just make sure you take more care of yourself"_

His eyes darted over to Calleigh before returning to the doctor, _"I will, I promise"_

Dabbing at the last of her tears with a tissue, Alex packed her equipment back in to her bag. _"I'll leave you two to it, enjoy the rest of your day"_

Horatio walked her to the front door, _"I meant what I said, Alex. You're too good a friend to me; I'm not sure what I've done to deserve you"_

She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly before placing a firm kiss on his cheek, _"Please don't ever let things get this bad again, you can always come and talk to me. Always"_

Nodding his head, he broke the physical contact between them. _"I know. Tell the boys that I'd love to come round again soon and shoot some hoops with them"_

_ "Honey, I'm going to hold you to that" _she smiled as she walked down the driveway and back to her car.

* * *

_"Horatio, have you any idea how expensive this place is?" _Calleigh asked as she walked to the entrance of the exclusive Italian restaurant. _"You don't have to do this. It's too much"_

_ "Please, you deserve it after everything you've done for me. It's time I returned the favour" _he gave her his best puppy-dog eyes and smiled as failed to resist them.

After being shown to their seats the waitress handed them a menu and left them to decide. Calleigh took a peek around her menu, leaned in and spoke conspiratorially. _"I really wish I'd learnt Italian in school, I have no idea what half of this stuff is let alone how to pronounce it"_

_ "Well, as a main I would highly recommend the 'Pansotti alla Genovese'" _He smiled at her blank expression, _"It's a type of ravioli. It's delicious"_

She placed her menu back down and returned his smile with one of her own, _"I'll take your word for it"_

Ordering their meals when the waitress returned, Horatio held out his hand and placed it on Calleigh's. _"If you'd told me this time last week that I'd be sitting here sharing an intimate meal with you I wouldn't have believed it"_

_ "I'll be honest with you, Horatio. I wouldn't either" _She looked him directly in the eyes and was happy to see that he didn't instantly look away, _"When I found you, I had never been so scared in all my life"_

He interrupted her, _"I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to get involved in any of this"_

Her tone hardened in frustration, _"That's not what I meant" _she snapped, before taking a deep breath to calm herself. _"I'd never seen you so broken and vulnerable. I guess I'd always thought you were invincible"_

He smiled sadly, _"Me too. I guess I'd spent so long trying to be strong for everyone that I started believing it too" _He laughed bitterly to himself, _"Who the hell did I think I was running around after Jack Toller with a hole in my guts. I could have got everyone killed"_

_ "Don't go blaming yourself. We all stood back and let you do it. I could see how much pain you were in and yet I did nothing. If he'd killed you that day I would never have forgiven myself" _she told him as tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

_"Guess it's lucky for both of us that I was too stubborn to die" _he gave her a wry smile as he squeezed her hands in reassurance.

She gasped in shock at his words, _"Please don't talk like that. Losing you would destroy me"_

_ "Well it's a good job that I have something to live for now, isn't it?" _he said the words so quietly it was almost a whisper as he braced himself for her response. He took it as a good sign when she leaned over the table and rewarded him with a passionate kiss.


	43. Chapter 43

**This is the second-to-last chapter:**

True to his word Jeff arrived promptly at 4pm, Horatio wearily dragged himself from the couch in the lounge to open the door.

_"Good afternoon, Horatio. How are you today?" _Jeff enquired

He frowned in response, _"Fine. Come in"_

_ "I would have thought you'd be a bit happier seeing as this is your last day with me"_

Jeff's statement caught him by surprise, _"Excuse me?"_

_ "Well, your last day this week. I'm still insisting that we meet at least once a week for the time being" _Seeing the look on Horatio's face he explained further, _"Don't worry. Our sessions will be informal, as they have been this week. If you honour the agreement then I see no reason why anything should be recorded anywhere. Are we clear?"_

He eyed the other man warily; _"Crystal" _He stood aside and let Jeff in to the house, _"What do you have planned for today, something special?"_

Jeff stopped in the hallway and turned to his reluctant client, _"I'm going to miss your snarky comments next week" _Horatio scowled but he continued, unfazed. _"Today is where everything comes together"_

_ "And what does that mean, exactly?" _Horatio responded suspiciously as his eyes narrowed.

_"You'll see. First I need you to help me get some things out the trunk of the car. Is Calleigh here?"_

_ "Yes, she's in the lounge. Why?" _His tone had taken on a dark edge before he had even realised it.

_"I think she should be with us for today's session. If you don't mind, of course" _

His first reaction was to say no but after considering it for a few minutes he decided that maybe it would be a good idea to have her there. They had grown so close over the last week, she knew pretty much everything there was to know about his past and still she had stayed by his side. He found himself relying on her more as each day passed and he now realised that he couldn't imagine his world without her in it. He nodded his head and called to Calleigh to join them in the hallway.

_"Jeff, it's good to see you" _she said brightly as she joined the two men, _"What's the plan, then?"_

_ "I'd like you and Horatio to help me get some things out of the trunk of my car. We need to take it down to the beach"_

_ "Okay" _Calleigh responded warily, looking from Jeff to Horatio and back again. _"What's the occasion?"_

Jeff smiled at her, _"You'll see" _as he opened the door and walked to his car. He observed Horatio closely as he popped the trunk of the car, he could not mistake the tension that flowed through the red head's body. He watched as Horatio stood stock still and stared at the contents of the trunk. _"All of this needs to go down on to the beach; we need to find a quiet little area. Do you think you could help me with that, Calleigh?"_

_"Sure"_ she said, still clearly puzzled. _"What is all of this stuff?" _she asked as she began picking up broken pieces of wood and collecting them in her arms. She stole a glance at Horatio and saw that the blood had drained from his face as he stood staring at the car. _"Horatio, what is it?" _she couldn't keep the fear from her voice as she spoke.

Swallowing deeply he tried to regain his composure, what was Jeff planning to make him do with this stuff? _"It's um….ah" _he struggled to find the right words, he felt foolish for admitting what the contents of the trunk meant. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath and tried again, _"It's from my house. The furniture that got broken…." _His voice trailed off as he hung his head and looked at the ground.

Suddenly it dawned on her, why he had reacted in such a way. She could see that he was struggling to keep his emotions under control; she took a glance at Jeff who nodded at her silent instruction to keep an eye on him. She gathered as much wood as she could and walked onto the beach, trying to find a fairly private area.

* * *

_"This is stupid" _Horatio said petulantly as he walked with Jeff over to the pile of wood Calleigh had started building on the beach. _"What are we going to do with this anyway? You're not going to teach me carpentry 101, are you?"_

Jeff laughed at him good-naturedly; he sure was going to miss his daily sessions of sarcasm with the stubborn lieutenant. _"No, it's not an art class" _He told him patiently as they both threw the last of the wood on the pile. _"Here, take these" _he said as he handed Horatio a rolled-up newspaper and a lighter.

He held his hands out and took the items, trying desperately to keep his hands steady. _"What am I supposed to do with this?" _He groaned inwardly at himself, what a stupid question, of course he knew what he was meant to do with them. He just didn't want to face it, not here and not now.

_"You know what you have to do. If you really want to move on then you have to let go of the past"_

_ "And how is setting fire to a pile of broken furniture going to help me do that?" _he spat, feeling his emotions getting the better of him. Here he was, face to face with his past and yet he stood frozen with fear. He suddenly wondered if he really had the courage to face his demons head on. His first urge was to run away but then images of the beautiful blonde woman who had stood by his side this week swam through his mind.

Jeff sensed his hesitation, _"That furniture represents your past. Watching it burn will help you release all of those emotions related to it"_

He turned to look at the other man doubtfully, _"Burning wood is not going to make what happened disappear"_

_ "No, it won't. But destroying what has held you back is what is going to help you move forward. It's only lighting a fire, what have you got to lose?"_

He considered Jeff's words, maybe he was right. What did he have to lose by setting fire to it? Still, it didn't make it any easier to actually put his thoughts into action. He felt the crippling fear of the unknown holding him back, he had been travelling along with his dark passenger for so long that he was now suddenly frightened at the prospect of having to travel the road alone. The dark memories and voices were a burden on him but they had also kept him company during all those years when he felt so cold and alone. He realised that he didn't want to be alone anymore. Calleigh had said that she would stand by him but for how long? At least if he kept hold of his demons he knew he would never be alone.

She stood and watched him as he waged an internal war within himself; she held her breath as his hands repeatedly came together and then dropped back down to his sides. Her heart was screaming at her to walk over to him and light the fire but she knew that he had to do this himself. This was one thing that she could not help him with, as hard as it was she knew she had to stand back and let him make his own decision.

He must have stood staring at the pile of wood for an hour or more, the sun had begun to set and it bathed the beach in a glorious orange hew as the gulls pecked and fought over the remnants of food left on the beach. Each time he thought he had made his mind up he ended up second-guessing himself. He hadn't looked behind him but he silently wondered if Calleigh and Jeff had walked off and left him alone out here on the beach. He willed himself to light the paper and throw it on the wood, his hands shook as he raised them but he finally managed it. He stood back as he threw the paper in to the middle of the pile, gazing at the flames as they started biting into the furniture from his house.

He turned his head to the side when he felt Calleigh wrap her arms around his waist from behind. She placed a gentle kiss on his neck and whispered in his ear, _"Thank you"_

A small smile graced his face as he placed his hands on top of hers; together they watched the wood burn as the evening grew dimmer. He had no idea how long they stood there, watching his past reduced to ashes before their eyes. He was glad she was here to share the moment with him, he felt a few errant tears escape from his eyes and did his best to hide them from Calleigh but it was futile. She could see through him as if he were transparent, he knew that no matter how hard he tried he would never be able to hide from her again.

At first he felt stupid setting fire to his furniture but the longer he watched it burn the more he could feel his emotional load lighten. He knew he would never forget what had happened to him or forgive those that betrayed and hurt him but he also knew that he needed to move on. Despite himself he began believing that maybe there was a brighter future out there waiting for him.


	44. Chapter 44

**Here comes the last part, it has been a much longer journey than I anticipated but I hope you are all pleased with the outcome:**

Calleigh came back to awareness as the sun began to rise over the ocean; she rubbed at her eyes and tried to stifle a yawn as her senses began to return to her. She turned her head and found Horatio lying next to her on the bed, they had returned to the house in the early hours of the morning after watching the painful memories of the past reduced to dust. He had been emotionally exhausted and Calleigh wordlessly helped him up to the bedroom and into bed. His near-catatonic state reminded her of the horrific mess she found him in earlier in the week, Jeff had reassured her that after a good night of sleep that Horatio would more than likely be back to himself, his mind needed time to process the emotions of the day.

He looked so peaceful lying next to her, she had held him throughout the night, ready to protect him from his demons but they never came. She silently hoped that they too had been destroyed in the fire last night. She placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and smiled when his face creased; he slowly opened his eyes and saw her.

She looked like an angel, lying next to him. The sun shining through the window made it look like there was a halo above her head. Her heavenly smile warmed his heart, she was his guardian angel. Of that he was sure. He could spend all day gazing at her beautiful face and he knew if he were to die today he would do so a happy and contented man.

_"Good morning" s_he said as she softly placed a kiss on his lips, smiling as he returned it with equal enthusiasm. _"How do you feel?"_

_ "Good. I could get used to waking up with you every morning"_

Her heart leapt, _"Me too. Are you up for taking a jog this morning?"_

He yawned and stretched his arms as he sat up in bed, _"Sure. Think I better pace myself today though" _He gave her a wry smile as he remembered the incident yesterday.

_"You just need to build your stamina up; it'll come back with time"_

Smiling and nodding his head he gave her a quick kiss before climbing out of bed. Just as he reached his bag of clothes his cell phone began to ring. Noticing his hesitation Calleigh picked it up from the nightstand and brought it over to him. He took a look at the caller ID but didn't recognise the number, he answered it anyway. _"Caine"_

_ "Dad, is that you? My God I've been so worried about you, what happened?"_

It took a while for the voice to register in his brain; he opened and closed his mouth a number of times until he finally managed to utter a few words. _"Kyle…..It's so good to hear your voice"_

_ "I've been trying to get hold of you all week. When you missed our Skype chat I started to worry that something bad had happened to you" _the concern in the young man's voice was evident.

_"I'm ok, son. How are things over there, are you staying safe?"_

He could imagine his son rolling his eyes at his last question, _"Of course I am, Dad. I was going to tell you over Skype that our tour has been cut short, all being well we'll be returning to the States next month"_

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply as relief washed over him, _"That's…that's great news, son"_

_ "Yeah, I've really missed you. I can't wait to come home and spend some time with you" _

Even though he heard the sincerity in his son's words he still found it hard to believe that he would want to spend his precious downtime with him. _"I'd love that, but you don't have to spend your leave with me. If you want to spend it with your friends then I'll understand…."_

Kyle's firm voice interrupted him, _"I want to, Dad. There's so much we never got to do when I was growing up. When things get tough out here the one thing that keeps me going is the thought of you and me shooting hoops on the beach or fishing out in the Glades when I finally get back home. I want you to know that I love you, Dad"_

He wasn't sure he trusted himself to speak, he gulped deeply and tried to get a hold of his emotions. _"Kyle…I…I love you too"_

A commotion could be heard in the background, _"Shit. Dad, I've got to get off the line now. We'll Skype next week, ok?"_

_ "Sure, son. Please, stay safe out there" _he prayed that his son would take care of himself.

_"Only if you promise me you'll do the same" _He smiled, his son knew him too well.

_ "You have my word. I love you, son" _He kept his ear to the phone until he heard the beeps that signalled that the call had been disconnected. He turned to look at Calleigh with tears in his eyes. _"Kyle's coming home next month" _He gave her a watery smile as she walked towards him and enveloped him in a tight embrace.

* * *

The jog along the beach had been in companionable silence, Calleigh stole glances at Horatio as he ran along the beach with her. His chat with Kyle seemed to have energised him as he kept a better pace than he had yesterday. The pace slowed as they returned to Calleigh's house, Horatio opened the door and motioned for her to walk through first. _"Always a gentleman" _she teased as she placed a light kiss on his nose, she wrinkled hers when she made contact with his sweaty face. _"You need a shower mister"_

_ "So do you" _he shot back, with a smile on his face.

_"I'll race you" _He shook his head before stealing a quick glance at the stairs and making a run for it. _"Hey, no fair!" s_he called after him as she made a grab for him as he climbed the stairs two at a time. She eventually caught up to him in the bedroom, pulling him by his shorts closer to her.

They gazed into each other's eyes, neither of them moving. Calleigh could see the light of passion in his clear blue eyes as his head inched closer to hers. Suddenly she became swept up in his passionate embrace, his hands running up and down her back as she did the same on him. They continued to kiss as their hands began pulling at each other's tops, their lips only breaking contact to divest each other of their t-shirts. She felt Horatio tense when she ran her fingers over the scars on his arms and chest, he had closed his eyes and winced at the contact. Seeing his reaction she bent her head down and began trailing kisses over the marks on his body. _"I love you, Horatio. All of you"_

Looking into her passion-filled eyes he knew she was telling the truth, gently cupping her face he raised it to his and kissed her deeply, trying to convey his feelings for her through touch alone. She walked forwards and pushed Horatio closer to the bed, they both fell down on top of the duvet as the back of his legs hit the edge of the mattress. The air fell from their lungs but neither of them seemed to care, so lost were they in their all-consuming need for one another. Rational thought went out the window as years of pent-up sexual tension came to the fore with thunderous effect as both became lost in the throes of ecstasy.

Holding her next to him, basking in the afterglow of their passionate union he knew that with the love of his son and the woman by his side that he was no longer alone in this world. The fear and loathing that had gripped him for so long had somehow been replaced with love and acceptance and for that he would be forever grateful. He had been given a second chance at happiness and this time he was determined that he would keep hold of it, no matter what.

**The Next Seven Days has now come to an end, I hope you have enjoyed the ride.**

**Next up, a new story for you: When Two Worlds Collide (coming very soon)**


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